I turned 28 years old on January 23rd, just a couple days ago. And it isn't until now that I've been able to reflect on being 28 years old. I mean i have lived for 28 years and when you put it like that that really seems like a long time from being just a baby. From being just a child, looking up at people who were this old seemed like forever away. And now I'm here and what have I done?
I feel like I've done nothing. I was very successful in school. But then after school I feel like I wasted my life. Firstly I wasted my life on a boyfriend who was a piece of shit and turned me into somebody I didn't know. So this somebody I no longer knew, took a job as a legal assistant after college in my hometown instead of immediately leaving for New York like I had been dreaming and planning for a very long time. But because of him, I stayed behind. And I wasted a year there, being miserable with my life, hurting my family. Then finally I decided to make the move to Portland. And why didn't I move to New York instead? Well you can guess why. After finally breaking up with him after 6 months in Portland, I finally made the move and I feel like that's when my life finally started.
I loved New York. I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. And I was so angry at myself for not being strong enough to do it sooner. I felt like I was late in getting going. I have already blogged about my times in New York so I won't rehash it.
Then I came home for a visit in March of 2008 and that's when my accident happened. And now I feel like my life is back where it first started: going nowhere, stalled. And I don't know when it's going to start again and this time I'll really feel late in getting things done with my life. I'm 28 and I'm not married, I don't even have a boyfriend. I don't have any kids. I don't have a career; I don't have a car; I don't own a home. Listing all these things off make me feel like pile of worthless shit. The only thing I can say I've done is New York City, and that was only 4 years out of my 28.
I look at my other friends and they have careers, homes, cars, boyfriends, husbands, children. And I won't be able to get started on my life again for another couple of years because of my accident and I couldn't be more upset about it. It has truly stalled and devastated my life. How do I make up for all those wasted years and this lost time from the injury? I honestly don't know. I do know that I can't get back to New York because of my insurance and this devastates me. That makes me feel like I have forever ruined my life with this accident. What will I do in Oregon for my career?
I am sitting here watching It Might Get Loud, the documentary featuring Jimmy Page, The Edge and my beloved Jack White. And I'm listening to their life stories and they actually have stories to their life that provide a history. What kind of stories do I have to tell? I feel like I don't have any. Not like what I'm hearing from Jack. He's got amazing stories to tell about his childhood, his young adult years and his adult years, his song writing. I can't think of anything nearly exciting about my life as his. I mean his stories led to an amazing career. My stories go nowhere.
Well, that's it I suppose. I just want a story and the career I always dreamed of.
4 comments:
Sarah, I usually just follow your blog, but got inspired to say a lil something to you. You might not be where you think you should be at this point in your life but you're ALIVE! You have gone through one of the hardest things anybody could ever do, and most of us with the boyfriends/husbands/cars/houses/kids would NEVER be strong enough to go through that. Your stories of your life after high school are amazing. How you were strong enough to leave your loser boyfriend and actually head to New York, then to make a trip back home that changed your life forever! I doubt anybody in our class can say they survived an accident when all odds were against them... and to me that's a HUGE accomplishment. Every day may be a struggle for you, and I'm sure its hard to see, but you have inspired so many people. Hang in there and just know there are many more people than you may know that think about you and pray for your strength and fast recovery! You'll be and truley ARE a great person!
Ever thought about the fact that you are LIVING your story. Right now! It's probably a lot more fun to be able to TELL the story then to live it; especially when that story is about healing injuries, enduring pain, grieving losses, adjusting to major change, and overcoming obstacles.
Your New York "story" was fun to live and tell, but I'm sure it had it's bad moments as well. Remember, every really good story that appeals to people does. We can relate to problems. They are familiar to us. So we love to hear about how people overcome problems to rise above them.
Your new "story" has a great beginning or introduction. You can't beat going to New York and becoming a success! But now the conflict has entered the "story". In any movie or play this is where the audience is pulled into the action. This is where we put ourselves into the place of the main character. We begin to relate to the character. We wonder how the problem is going to be resolved. In a well written production the bigger the problem the greater the potential for the story to capture us. Well, you've got a duwzee of a problem.
Every day you survive, every problem you surmount, every goal you achieve is LIVING your story. And you are letting us watch how the miracle happens. Hard for you, but very exciting for us. We're cheering you on. We expecting a happy ending. Your life is a fascinating "movie", and we're watching to see how it turns out!
Is it possible for you to think of this as the most important role you will ever play this side of heaven? Perhaps it might help to think of it like that. Just a thought.
P.S. In the documentary of your life who would you want to play the part of Sarabeth? Your mom? Your dad? Jack White???
Wow April! That was an excellent post! Very thought provoking.
I think when tragedy strikes us or we come up against hardships in our life, we have a tendency to focus on the negative rather than look at all of the positive things that have happened. I would agree that virtually every success story is laden with failures or setbacks. A lot of the times, we only see the sensationalized successes rather than any failures/setbacks.
Sarah, I know that you have had many successes in your life. You are still young by today's standards and have lived much more already than a lot of people. Part of that living is going to include making mistakes, but those mistakes shape who we are and become. Things might have been much more different had you not "wasted" time with your loser ex-boyfriend, but that wouldn't have guaranteed the wasted years would be a success. As you know, there are no guarantees in life.
This accident has become part of your life, part of your experience and it's shaping who you are. You still have so much life to live. While your choices of what you choose to do with it may be limited by your accident, you can still choose how you are going to live it going forward. It's up to you! I have faith in you!
DavidD
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