I'm sitting here watching the Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda and they have Lady GaGa on and it's got me thinking, who am I? Because she has a definite defined sense of self. She has her characteristics that people can describe her. She's got a solid personality and a solid image. And it's got me thinking who i am.
I'm no sure I even know who i am really. I'd like to be more like Lady GaGa in the sense that she seems to have a solid sense of person and that shows through her sense of style, her make-up, and her music especially. It may be odd, but it's solid and that's gotta be nice. and fun.
As for me, well I don't have a solid sense of style or way I do my make-up like she does, granted it may be odd, i'm not a writer either so I can't express myself that way. I used to be a performer but now I'm a burn victim and that may have been taken from me so what do I have left if I can't perform? That was my life. Will it be taken from me? And if so, then what will make up me then cause I really don't have anything else that defines me I don't think. What defines me? What is my personality and style?
What would someone say in my eulogy? I don't even know where to start myself cause I'm so confused at who I am. I feel boring. Does anyone else feel this way? Does anyone ever think about who they are like I do myself? I wish I had a certain style that people knew was me so if they ever saw something like it, they would say, "Oh that's so Sarah Watterson." I want to have that defined sense of self. I want to be exciting. I want to do exciting things. And like I said before, I just feel so boring. Who am I? I feel like I'm nothing but a burn victim now. And that's the last thing I want to be.
4 comments:
You ask the universal question, Sarah. Only many of us don't ask it until the end of our life instead of at the beginning. How many of us have marched ahead, looking neither to the left or the right, doing our own thing? Blinders on. Oblivious to our Maker. But not you!
If the only thing we have to define ourselves by is make-up, clothing style or even profession then that is pretty shallow stuff. And I think you are figuring that out due to a very difficult set of circumstances.
Who I choose to be defined by is my Creator. What is HIS idea of who I am? What is HE striving to make me into? I want to be a clean slate for the Master Artist. I want to live in obedience to HIM so HE can make me into HIS vessel to use as HE wills. At the end of this life, and facing eternity in the next that will be the only thing that matters.
So here you are, Sarah, feeling like a lump of clay in the studio that doesn't yet have form. I pray for you as God transforms you into His perfect vessel!
Sarah, I have asked myself this same question many times! There are days that I look into the mirror and cry because I feel like I am not beautiful but just a "frumpy old housewife". Then one day not long ago, a friend asked me to make a sign for her little girls room that said "PRINCESS...Daughter of a Heavenly King" It really made me stop and think. I know that I may not be the prettiest and I know I definetly don't have style, I don't even know how to wear make-up! But I do know that I am a Daughter of God and that makes me beautiful! That goes for you too! We will always have the desire to be something better. But in the end, it shouldn't matter how we dress and look! What defines us is how we live our life. I think that above looks, if someone walking down the street sees something nice done for someone else, then they would think to themselves- I want to be more like that! I want to help others like Sarah does, and truly make a difference! You have defined yourself. You have defined you as someone who can change the world in the palm of your own hands. That is amazing!
Sarah,
I think it's common to question these things about ourselves. I think that if we don't, we run the risk of wasting our lives. The roadblock you're facing, that not everyone does, is having no escape from a part of yourself that you don't like--"the burn victim".
I know it's so easy to let the agony of the unchangable negatives in our lives pull us under. But you know as well as I do that refusing to let those things define us is the first step to moving past them. And we DO need to move past them, not try to get back to some magical point before the hurt began.
You just have to keep moving, girl. You were burnt...but the fire is out. It can't hurt you anymore. You are doing everything you can to make your life better than it ever was before. You're on the right track, even though it doesn't go as fast as I know you wish it could.
I know it's hard...but the best advice I have on having people say, "that's so Sarah!" is this: whatever is "so you" is already a part of you...but nobody is going to know about it and talk about it unless you open yourself to them and let them see who you are. I know the scars make it hard, and the pain inside...but there is so much love out there for you. Don't be afraid to share yourself honestly and completely.
As a bonus, I find that being open about myself frees me from spending my energy hiding...which allows me to really examine other people and decide whether they are truly the kind of person I want to know and love. Instead of defending myself all the time, I get to take charge of my life and avoid negative situations and people before they have a chance to hurt me. I have more people in my life who truly KNOW me now than I ever have before.
Oh...and I, for one, do NOT think "burn victim" when I think of you. I think of your bright eyes, and your voice, and the way you light up on stage, and of you in Manta, laughing with Jocelyn and Brandon and me and Gavin about something, and at that les Miserables Broadway night, and of Jack White, and your cute little dog, and the way you used to dance around a little when you were happy. I really hope you still do that. To me, THOSE things are "so Sarah!"
Sarah, I am going to have to disagree with you about this post. When I see Lady Gaga I don't see someone who has a "defined sense of self." I see an act. I see a person dressing up as a character to sell tickets and CD's. You don't think she is wearing all that crap when she is sitting home on a Saturday morning with a bowl of cereal watching cartoons do you. That is what should define a person's self.
As an actor you should be able to identify with her "characters". When we perform we don't go on stage as ourselves, it just isn't as entertaining. But what we do is take our own personal experiences and wrap them inside the character we are playing for a couple of hours and then return to ourselves.
April said it really well, be a "lump of clay" and let the Potter mold you. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, God is in control. I choose to define myself first through him, and the rest falls into place.
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