I had my post-op appointment today for my latest surgeries and the doctor was not happy. The graft on the left side of my mouth failed, horribly. So he was pretty unhappy about that. And so am I. My body just does not like to accept grafts or heal well. Something in my genetic code the doctors say. I'm so mad at the body that I have. Why did I have to have one of the worst accidents a person can have with this horrible body?
So, I'm going to see him again next week for another tissue expansion and then the next week will be surgery time again. He's going to utilize the skin he stretched out and expanded using those expanders and do a "flap" where he wraps it around my neck rather than completely cutting it off and grafting it. He will also do a strip down the middle of my neck using skin from my scalp so my head will have to be shaved...again; Not very happy about that. And then also do a split-thickness graft on my mouth which should take better because split-thickness grafts just take better than full thickness grafts.
Otherwise the grafts on my chest took and are doing well. The release on my left shoulder did not release as much as we had hoped but it is at least released a little bit more. It will have to be released again in the future. So all in all, the doctor was not happy. He actually said he was depressed because he wants so badly for things to work out for me and my body just doesn't want to take or heal well. So I'm not happy either.
Anyway, I got expanded again quite a bit so I'm in pain. I hate the pain I get from these tissue expanders. It's like a dull, aching pain and sometimes it pinches a nerve and that kills me. But no pain is worse than the pain from a donor site (where they take the skin from) and my donor sites have healed fairly well so I'm not having much pain from them right now thank God.
So that's the latest news. Not good news and that continues to make me question God and my faith. I haven't lost complete faith or belief in God, but I question because of what happened and the body that I was given that won't heal easily or properly. A very good friend of mine said that when I look back on all this when I'm all recovered, that I will respect the person it made me grow into. I thought that was an interesting way to look at all of this. People have said I will be a stronger person because of it but no one has ever said I will respect the person it made out of me. Will I? Will I respect myself more and be stronger and wiser? I sure hope so. It's a nice thought out of all of this.
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I remember how quick I was to curse the body God gave me while so very sick for eight years. But then I thought about all the good years God gave me.
It's this body that enabled me as a young adult to hike, bike and roller skate.
It's this body that enabled me to perform and sing in many plays and musicals.
It's this body that enabled me to give birth to three children.
So I made a list of all the things this body did while healthy. It comes so naturally to curse our bodies for the bad times, but neglect to appreciate the equally wonderful times our bodies were productive.
Sarah, I hear you crying out. I'm praying your mind will go to the many happy, productive times in your life before the terrible fire. Perhaps you could write about those times too. Describe to us those events. What gifts did your body possess? What did your pre-fire body accomplish? I'll read whatever you write.
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