Today was my baby nephew's 1st Birthday party and I planned to go. I even got dressed up for it as opposed to the jammies that usually rule my wardrobe since I stay in the house all day. So I set out to go and when I arrived at the spot, there were quite a few people there and all of them I DON'T KNOW. Except for of course, jocy and her mother. But I couldn't bring myself to get out of the car and go hang out. I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety at the site of those people and the thoughts that may run through their minds at the site of me. I felt terrible. AWFUL!
I waved Jocy over to the car and explained that I just couldn't make it because I wasn't well enough or comfortable enough to be there but I did want to drop by some scrapbooking pages I'd made and Isaac's present. It broke my heart when she brought Isaac over to see me and I wasn't able to just buck up and get out of the damn car and own my appearance in order to spend just one hour at the least with my nephew for his 1st birthday party. I'm absolutely balling right now! What happened? I thought I had become more confident with this latest neck surgery but the site of those people at the party scared me back into the car! I felt so ugly.
So here I am, back at home waiting for the next thing I have to do today, which is the worship meeting. This I can't chicken out on, I'm part of the committee. But that is no better excuse. I'm supposed to be Isaac's AUNT! and I chickened out because I was so scared. My heart lept into my throat and my stomach turned upside down. I began to cry on the way home because I couldn't be there for my nephew or one my bestest friends. I'm still crying. Why? Why, why why did this have to happen to me? It has DESTROYED MY LIFE! So much I can't even go to a damn birthday party for my nephew. I HATE YOU GOD! I HATE YOU BURN! LOOK AT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME!
3 comments:
Sarah, I hope by now you are feeling less anger. You know this is no easy journey. You know that all journeys have pitfalls along the way, pot holes and hills to traverse. It all takes time, dear. Go easy on yourself. There will be more birthday parties, and if you think about it, your presence will actually mean more to him as he grows older. Rather than fret about today, maybe put your energy towards writing him some poetry, or creating something for him that will become a keepsake for him. Hard as it must be (and I certainly have no idea how hard it actually is) forward is the only way through your journey. Now, that's not saying that you can't have setbacks, or stand stills, because you certainly can, and will. You've got a good network of support you can lean on when you need them, and just like that "footprints in the sand" story, there will be times that they will carry you along. It's all a part of the journey. You will make it, Sarah. You will. You have strength, you have courage and you have tenacity. You will make it. You WILL make it!
No journey would be worth it if it was just handed to you. You are doing great and everyone sees that, even the ones that haven't been there from the begining. I garentee you that when your nephew gets older he will look at you and say, "wow, I wish I could have a fraction of your strength, you are amazing." Hang in there friend it will get easier and just remember God doesn't give us challenges that we can't beat.
YUP! You blew it. Did the earth shake? Nope. Did the sun fall out of the sky? Nope. Did someone die? Nope.
It's one mistake; one let down. I've been there just like you, looking down the barrel of a mistake and wishing I could have done better. What I try to remember is to not give my failure more power then it deserves. And then I try to be kind to myself, just like I would easily forgive someone else for committing the same mistake.
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