Yesterday I wrote a post about what I have done with my life. I was having a bad, BAD day. I cried nearly all day. But later in the afternoon, I received an email from a follower and friend of mine that gave me conflicting feelings. I agree with her in many ways but in other ways, I don't think she fully understands the sufferings of a burn survivor. But I do fully agree with her that I am not the only person in the world who has suffered or who is suffering. I know that. But there is something different about the suffering and recovery of a burn survivor. I'm not saying I'm special in any way. But I would like to anonymously share her letter with you because it did impact me.
"As a follower of your blog, I want to both hold you to comfort you and knock some sense into you to help you focus better. Your life is not over. And your dreams do not have to be destroyed. I know I left a comment on one of your previous blogs that encouraged you to change your perception…I will continue to say that to you. It is time to let go of the dreams that are holding you back, and start dreaming in the structure of now.
While faith in a deity is great, you must always remember that our deities (no matter what religion) are in EVERYTHING…that means in YOU, in the wind that blows through the trees, in the grass that grows in your yard, in the water that you consume. LIFE is in everything, including YOU.
.....It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me.
Here is where we are different, and I humbly accept this. I have never been dependent on people as you have to be in this struggle. I cannot imagine the frustration you feel even as you describe it in your blogs. The patience you must be learning can only be wondered at. It is amazing to me that you do even the few things that you do, that you are finally going out in public, that you are having coffee and dinners with friends. How amazing that there are people who love you enough to have waited for you to come out of your coma, to be by your side as you face surgery after surgery. How amazing that there is a following of people who want to know more about your life and your daily battles. And how awesome of you to share them.
I hope for you that you will learn sooner rather than later that it is not about the glory we receive for things accomplished that makes life worthwhile. It is not about the awards we could win. There is so much more to life than making it out better than the people around us. I’m afraid that the mentality of “doing better than this” is largely an Eastern Oregon mentality, and it pangs me to think that you are falling into it. Growing up in La Grande causes most kids to say “I’m better than this. I deserve better than this. I can do better than the assholes at school who thought they were better than me.” The truth about this behavior is that, sure, it could happen. But WHY does it HAVE to? Why can’t we be content with trying? Why do we have to get so angry with ourselves and try to place blame on others when we don’t quite make it out better than or even on par with the rest of our classmates? It’s a nasty and hard lesson to learn, but when we finally realize that what we have is as amazing as our perception allows it to be, then we win. This stupid game of having to prove ourselves b/c we made childish promises in high school will end, and we begin living.....
....Sarah – I don’t understand your daily physical struggle, but I understand emotional turmoil. I understand suicidal tendencies, I understand fear, and I understand anger all too well. I’ve lived all of those struggles. I am hopeful for you that your perception will change. That you will see how amazing and beautiful you are. The human beings that focus on the outward appearance, the human beings that feel only pity for you – well shame on them! What misguided, undereducated ignoramuses. Sarah, in all of your recent photos, not only are you able to lift your chin, but the sparkle is coming back into your eyes. There is evidence that you KNOW you have something worth living for. Don’t let broken promises to yourself bind all that is good and hide it away deep inside you. Continue to let yourself glow, because you do damnit! You glow! I don’t remember anything about your physical being before the accident more than I remember your eyes and your voice. You still have those eyes. Those “Lilly hazel eyes” if you will. And they speak volumes.
I would watch you acting any day because I am sure you’ve not forgotten your training. Damn, because of your charisma, I’d watch you sit and read a book aloud. It is awesome that you share your story…I pray that one day, you will be able to focus on the amazingness that is you and the beauty that you possess.
Whoever told you that you shouldn’t ask “why” could be correct. However, simply changing the form of the question doesn’t necessarily change the content. “What” might not be the better question either. Maybe instead of asking questions you could begin, like a scientist, with a theory.
“I hypothesize that as I heal, my fears will disappear.”
It’s easier to watch and make (or even let) things happen that way.
If I could wish anything for you, Sarah, it would be that you are able to let go of whatever you are afraid to speak about. Your comments sound sincere, and as I read them, I can’t help but wonder what you are hiding—that you are afraid to share.
It’s not necessarily for the world or blog followers to know what you are afraid of saying. That’s fine, I just hope that you have someone you can go to and not feel judged by, because the pain in your heart and mind is what tugs at me. I wish I had answers for you lovely lady. Please keep sharing as that is the only way some of us have of knowing how you are fairing each day.
And lastly, I hope that I can always be one of your supporters and followers."
"As a follower of your blog, I want to both hold you to comfort you and knock some sense into you to help you focus better. Your life is not over. And your dreams do not have to be destroyed. I know I left a comment on one of your previous blogs that encouraged you to change your perception…I will continue to say that to you. It is time to let go of the dreams that are holding you back, and start dreaming in the structure of now.
While faith in a deity is great, you must always remember that our deities (no matter what religion) are in EVERYTHING…that means in YOU, in the wind that blows through the trees, in the grass that grows in your yard, in the water that you consume. LIFE is in everything, including YOU.
.....It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me.
Here is where we are different, and I humbly accept this. I have never been dependent on people as you have to be in this struggle. I cannot imagine the frustration you feel even as you describe it in your blogs. The patience you must be learning can only be wondered at. It is amazing to me that you do even the few things that you do, that you are finally going out in public, that you are having coffee and dinners with friends. How amazing that there are people who love you enough to have waited for you to come out of your coma, to be by your side as you face surgery after surgery. How amazing that there is a following of people who want to know more about your life and your daily battles. And how awesome of you to share them.
I hope for you that you will learn sooner rather than later that it is not about the glory we receive for things accomplished that makes life worthwhile. It is not about the awards we could win. There is so much more to life than making it out better than the people around us. I’m afraid that the mentality of “doing better than this” is largely an Eastern Oregon mentality, and it pangs me to think that you are falling into it. Growing up in La Grande causes most kids to say “I’m better than this. I deserve better than this. I can do better than the assholes at school who thought they were better than me.” The truth about this behavior is that, sure, it could happen. But WHY does it HAVE to? Why can’t we be content with trying? Why do we have to get so angry with ourselves and try to place blame on others when we don’t quite make it out better than or even on par with the rest of our classmates? It’s a nasty and hard lesson to learn, but when we finally realize that what we have is as amazing as our perception allows it to be, then we win. This stupid game of having to prove ourselves b/c we made childish promises in high school will end, and we begin living.....
....Sarah – I don’t understand your daily physical struggle, but I understand emotional turmoil. I understand suicidal tendencies, I understand fear, and I understand anger all too well. I’ve lived all of those struggles. I am hopeful for you that your perception will change. That you will see how amazing and beautiful you are. The human beings that focus on the outward appearance, the human beings that feel only pity for you – well shame on them! What misguided, undereducated ignoramuses. Sarah, in all of your recent photos, not only are you able to lift your chin, but the sparkle is coming back into your eyes. There is evidence that you KNOW you have something worth living for. Don’t let broken promises to yourself bind all that is good and hide it away deep inside you. Continue to let yourself glow, because you do damnit! You glow! I don’t remember anything about your physical being before the accident more than I remember your eyes and your voice. You still have those eyes. Those “Lilly hazel eyes” if you will. And they speak volumes.
I would watch you acting any day because I am sure you’ve not forgotten your training. Damn, because of your charisma, I’d watch you sit and read a book aloud. It is awesome that you share your story…I pray that one day, you will be able to focus on the amazingness that is you and the beauty that you possess.
Whoever told you that you shouldn’t ask “why” could be correct. However, simply changing the form of the question doesn’t necessarily change the content. “What” might not be the better question either. Maybe instead of asking questions you could begin, like a scientist, with a theory.
“I hypothesize that as I heal, my fears will disappear.”
It’s easier to watch and make (or even let) things happen that way.
If I could wish anything for you, Sarah, it would be that you are able to let go of whatever you are afraid to speak about. Your comments sound sincere, and as I read them, I can’t help but wonder what you are hiding—that you are afraid to share.
It’s not necessarily for the world or blog followers to know what you are afraid of saying. That’s fine, I just hope that you have someone you can go to and not feel judged by, because the pain in your heart and mind is what tugs at me. I wish I had answers for you lovely lady. Please keep sharing as that is the only way some of us have of knowing how you are fairing each day.
And lastly, I hope that I can always be one of your supporters and followers."
The woman who wrote this email is an amazing woman for what she has overcome in her life so she does speak from some experience. I adore her and I highly value her opinion. I love it when she writes me letters.
However, she writes that I am still hiding something, afraid to speak about something. I don't think I'm afraid to write anything or am hiding anything. Do you? I have cursed myself and I have cursed God over and over again. But am I still hiding something?
"Don’t let broken promises to yourself bind all that is good and hide it away deep inside you," she writes. I am afraid that she is right there. I have let broken promises to myself bind all that is good. I am stuck on my past because I didn't do all that I could with it. So now I'm left with those "broken promises" that are the very vain of my existence everyday. I think of them everyday. They are like the black plague preventing my ability to move forward.
"It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me," she writes again, hitting the nail right on the head for me. I wrote about change in a previous blog post and here she reminds me of it again. I want to blame God for what he has done to me when what I really need to do is accept the change, find a way to use it and "rock the socks off of the world" with it. But what do I have to offer the world now? I wanted to offer the world the greatest entertainment they'd ever seen whether on Broadway or on film but in the great chances that I can no longer do that, what is it that I can offer now? Or maybe I should put it this way: what is it that I can offer now that I will love just as much?
"It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me," she writes again, hitting the nail right on the head for me. I wrote about change in a previous blog post and here she reminds me of it again. I want to blame God for what he has done to me when what I really need to do is accept the change, find a way to use it and "rock the socks off of the world" with it. But what do I have to offer the world now? I wanted to offer the world the greatest entertainment they'd ever seen whether on Broadway or on film but in the great chances that I can no longer do that, what is it that I can offer now? Or maybe I should put it this way: what is it that I can offer now that I will love just as much?
Well thank you, my friend, for writing such an inspiring and through-provoking letter. You are an amazing human being and I'm so proud of you for overcoming your struggles. You have inspired me to accept this change in my life and as you put it so wonderfully use it to "rock the socks off of the world."
2 comments:
Hi Sarah, it's me, Crystal Bedard. I am so glad that I found you in the world of blogland! I heard about your accident and I am so sorry. I am glad that you are on the road to recovery. As I read your blog, I can't even begin to imagine going though it. You are so strong! I know nothing I can say can make any big impact, but I just want you to know that I think of you often and I pray for you. Just the other night I heard the star spangled banner and I thought of you and how you sing it better than anyone else. I also think of you when I play volleyball cause, well you know, we were the best pepper partners ever! And don't forget our handshake! I am so excited for you to go back to school, you will do amazing! You have so much to offer people, you are a fun and loving person and can still accomplish amazing things! I am rooting for you!
As humans, accepting change is probably the most difficult challenge we experience here on earth. If you can achieve this Sarah, you can will find real and lasting peace.
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