Fantasies and Daydreams to Keep Me Alive

As a very creative person with a wild, and I really mean WILD, not to mention vivid, imagination, I can have some pretty great (and detailed) fantasies.  Well, I'm not doing very well, lately.  I'm just in that dark place...again and it's pretty bad.  I'm not doing well.  I'm under an exorbitant amount of stress and there's really no HUGE reason.  My mummi remarked that she usually only sees me this stressed around surgery time.  And she's right but something's going on lately and I'm constantly under extreme duress and emotion.  There's lots of little reasons that add up but usually I only really get stressed around surgery times  There is something really serious going on.  It's not just psychological problems but serious physiological problems as well.  I'm sick.  Really sick, both mentally and physically.  I could tell you all the things I've thought about during this time or any time like this, but this time in particular, but I don't want to alarm you and I don't want you alarming my family.  I wrote about some reasons before that keep me from "doing it" as in, suicide, and some of those reasons are actually dwindling because I'm finding ways to get around them.  For example, I wrote about not doing it because I worry about it breaking the bank for my family with the costs of cremation and burial and the urn.  Well, I had a very serious moment the other weekend and it occurred to me that in my suicide note, I would specify to sell my Honda and use that money for the cremation and not worry about some nice urn because you're just gonna spread my ashes anyway per my request so just put them in a fucking folgers can like in The Big Lebowski.  I'm fine with that.  But to be honest, it would be an ultimate dream to have my ashes spread in one of three places 1) Sweden, particularly the beaches of Gotland, Sweden.  That is my very close (not distant) heritage and it would be wonderful to be returned there 2) I have always been fond of Italy. It would be perfect to have my ashes spread in the oceans along the shorelines of the Pula Beach in Sardinia, Italy where it's surrounded by roman ruins. All I can say is I love it. and 3) Perhaps at Sanur Beach in Bali where ancient temples stand nearby cause really, can I get some kind of peace even if it has to be in my death, so why not Bali?  Unfortunately, well, it costs another exorbitant amount of money to fly to those places and then a place to stay and food, etc.  So unless my family decided they wanted to take a vacation to one of those places, they could hold on to my ashes for that moment.  Unless, Mr. Jack White, my hero, you read this after receiving my very dear friend Mike Leventhal's letter that he sent you and you could send my family to one of those places.  And even better, go with them and play and sing the guitar as my ashes float into the water :)  Otherwise, I guess go to an Oregon Beach and throw them in the ocean at sunset (or dawn) but I guess I'd prefer sunset so you could then make a beach campfire and make s'mores and play the guitar and sing, maybe do some reminiscing of fun memories with me....wait, my family does none of that except make a campfire and s'mores.  Well, if any of my friends were there who could play guitar, they could do the rest.  In fact, I'd like it if my very dearest friends were there, and you know who you are.

But the point of this post is not to talk about my suicide again but to talk about what sorta keeps me alive from day to day because to be honest, it is a day to day thing now.  I really don't know if I'm gonna make it from one day to the next or if I'm even gonna make it to 30years old (is there a "29 club" or "almost made it to 30 club"? I doubt it.  I'll start it.)  But I've got a crazy, creative imaginative mind that goes wild everyday and it's probably, oh I'd say, 97% of the time filled with something involved with Jack White and the rest of it is being the respected and renowned actress I always wanted to be. Which, come to think of it, involves Jack in some way so I guess whether I'm dreaming/fantasizing about being the great, respected, talented and renowned actress or not, Jack's in there somewhere so I'd have to put his percentage at 100% :)

So, for those of you who are my Facebook friends, you of all people know about my crazy obsession with Jack White from how talented and brilliant I think he is to talking about marrying him to actually naming our kids.  Yeah, it's that crazy.  But laugh and snicker all you want but it's these fantasies, Jack White or not, that somedays, keeps me alive.  Literally.  There are so many days that I can't even count cause there's too many of them, that all I do is watch Jack White video's all fucking day long, whether it's with The White Stripes, the Raconteurs or interviews or watching documentaries with Jack in them because they make me smile and laugh and keep me from finding all the pills possible that are available to me (and there's a lot considering all the medication I've been on from the very beginning) lying around and then laying in the bathtub, lying face up so that in the case that my body reflexively throws up, I'll choke on it and also in the bathtub so that if I was to throw up, my poor mother wouldn't have to clean up the sheets if I were to lie in my bed.  Then there's my preferred preference of slitting my wrists (lengthwise of course, because that's the direction of the vein and therefore more and faster spill of blood than those amateur idiots who slit their wrists horizontally as well as taking several aspirins to thin my blood therefore preventing it from clotting naturally - also something amatuer idiots don't think about) and laying in the bathtub once again so my mother doesn't have to clean up after me.  And it's my preferred method because blood doesn't bother me and it won't possibly make me sick like pills could, and I would just slowly fall asleep while thinking about no longer being in pain both physically and emotionally and daydreaming my favorite fantasy as the blood left my body.  As you can tell, I have given incredible and a lot of thought to this to make sure that I don't screw it up and it'd done right, done right in the sense that it only takes the one try.  So make fun all you want about the days where I post all these things in relation to Jack White on Facebook because he literally can keep me from doing those things I just mentioned.  So it's nice if you pay attention and watch/read what I post and make a comment so I know you guys are listening.  Just a thought.  It's like a reach out for help.  And if you're smart, even more so after reading this post, you'll figure out that the days when I go nuts on posting links to something regards to Jack White, I'm really thinking about making my mother's worst nightmare come true with music by Jack White playing in the bathroom with me lying lifeless.  But these fantasies, fantasies of killing myself and ending it all so I don't have to suffer anymore and everyone can call me a coward for doing it when I personally believe it takes a lot of guts to fucking kill yourself, aren't the fantasies I'm talking about.

The fantasies I'm trying to make this post about, and I'm not doing a very good job at it, are good fantasies, good daydreams.  They're what make me smile, laugh, feel better for a minute before that minute passes, give me hope and life, and keep me alive some days.  Being a very creative and imaginative person as I said in the beginning I have a plethora of fantasies from the general to the very specific.  But I guess I'll choose the most general (and my favorite) and that's where I meet my Jack White at a musical event, whether it's his or not, or at a charity event and we date for a few years, then get married on one of those preferred beaches mentioned above, in barefeet, with my best friend Corrie Sergent as my matron of honor and then all my dearest gal pals as my bridesmaids, with a couple of my dearest gay guy friends (cause I have a few dear ones) but they won't wear the dresses :)  They'll wear suits to match the bridesmaids.  And yes, I'm sure you guessed the colors of the wedding: black, red and white.  Honestly, could I have it any other way? :)  Which is ironically close to my best friend's wedding colors which were black and pink.  Well, I guess we are best friends, aren't we Cor?  Our wedding will be followed by a baddass, kickass reception along the beach, somewhere outside with mesh tents over our heads and white christmas lights hanging everywhere.  Jack and I will take our first dance to whatever will be our song (I think, "We're going to be friends" would seriously be sweet but Jack might be creeped out by it because, well, it is his song and he would be dancing along to his own voice).  So maybe we'll dance to one of our favorite blues songs, since not only is Jack a huge, massive fan of the blues, but ironically, so am I.  And the night will be full of nothing but everyone having the time of their lives, and Jack taking a time out from me every once in awhile to do a live performance as will what will most likely be demanded from everyone at the wedding from the point they arrive :)  I'm sure my dear friend Mike Leventhal will request Jack's cover of the Beatles, "Mother Nature's Son" cause he loves that cover, don't ya Mikey? :)  And I also fantasize that by this time, by the time I meet Jack, I will have my career.  And there's also the fantasy of winning an Oscar with Jack by my side.  Then there's children of which I have already given them names.  For a girl, Isabeau Georgia White and for a boy, Willem Jack White.  Sorry Jack, you got no say in this :)  I'm pretty much stuck on those names.  And Jack and I will be married forever and I'll have my fantasy acting career, a beautiful family and be able to provide for my mother and father who did so much to take care of and provide for me for many years and then when my accident happened.  But in addition to all those wonderful things I would have and do, I would also become a major spokesperson for burn survivors and do many motivational speaking events around the world.

So that's the main fantasy/daydream that fills my head and keeps me breathing along with just my great friends and family who are always there for me.  It always brings a smile to my face. But there can also a downside to it and that's switching to thinking that something so wonderful as that could never happen to me and things really suck in my day after that kind of thinking ruins my daydreaming.  Well, it's a beautiful fantasy and daydream for me anyway.