Pain

It's very early in the morning on Sunday morning.  I couldn't sleep.  I'm wondering, how have I gotten through each day since the accident when there are so many days that I want to end the fight?  When there are so many days where I plan to end the fight and something stops me.  What is it that stops me?  Sometimes I envision my mother's face and her reaction when she would find me and that hurts my insides like a twisting knife.  I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

Pain is a unique thing, isn't it?  I mean most people think of pain as physiological, something you actually feel but there is also emotional pain and sometimes, that's worse.  Because with physiological pain, at least there's an enemy to fight.  With emotional pain, however, it infects your mind, your heart, your soul and it festers until the worst can happen and that's taking your own life because it's the only way to stop the pain.

The emotional pain I feel comes in many forms.  At first, it's like a soul and heartache - my soul and heart aching for so many different reasons.  When your heart is broken or aching it can be the saddest thing in the world.  All your energy leaves you and life loses all meaning.  And then it's like an infection in the mind.  And when your mind gets infected with pain, that's when it can become particularly dangerous cause you get the idea that there's no other way out of the situation, out of the pain, but to do it.  My dreams have been ripped to shreds in one split second.  I was told the other day that I have a "fighting spirit" but my spirit is hurting, it's in pain.  How do I explain to you what it feels like to cry my tears?  How do I find hope in a new day?  I live in a grey and black world with no peace and filled with loneliness and pain.  I am given the gift of sorrow and despair every day and night.

So, back to the original question.  What stops me?  I'm tired.  I don't want to fight anymore cause I don't see a future for myself and my present is a hell.  So why do I still fight when I don't want to anymore?  I feel defeated.