I often have conversations with my once pastor (he has since moved to a new city) and also dearest friend and these conversations can get deep talking about my situation, what happened to me, what I can/need to do in different situations be it my life in general or a particular situation. But I've never written about them because they are quite personal and between me and my dear friend who also used to be my pastor but I had a conversation with him yesterday that made me think and also made me cry happy and sad tears but yet made me feel hopeful and good. So I want to share that conversation with you and I want you to know that I have his permission to talk about it and I also have the permission of my very dear friend that this story revolves around. So where to start. I guess at the beginning with my dear friend Jessie....
I started a friendship with Jessie first through Facebook because of a mutual friendship we have with my pastor and his wife. Then my pastor and his wife moved to a new city and Jessie continued to reach out to me when I finally had her come to my house to meet her for the first time. I immediately liked her and I hoped she liked me back. You may remember her when she dressed up as Meg from the White Stripes for Halloween and her and her now husband dressed up as Jack White and came to my house all dressed up early to show off their costumes for me because I wasn't going to get to see them on Halloween because I was going to be in surgery and in the hospital. So they did an early Halloween present for me and dressed up as they were going to for Halloween and came to my house so I could see it since I love Jack White and the White Stripes are my all time favorite band. Slowly since then Jessie and I got to know each other and then it started to pick up more and more as we hung out each time.
Skip to Jessie getting married. Ever since I've known Jessie, she had been engaged to a most wonderful man so I haven't known her very long. Really only since October of last year. But she got married this June and it was iffy if I was going to be able to make it to her wedding because I had surgery scheduled and I didn't know if I was going to be out of the hospital by the date of her wedding. It turned out I was going to be home in time but I was also in a lot of pain and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be there because of the great pain I was in. I told her I wasn't sure if I was going to make it because of my pain but that I would try.
Now it's the day of Jessie's wedding. It's an evening wedding and they had this great outdoor reception planned and weather is turning terrible. My pain is also terrible. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to make it to my so very dear friend's wedding even though I am wanting to go so badly to support her and show her and her soon to be husband (great guy) the love that I have for them. I still don't know if I'm gonna make it an hour before the wedding and it's gonna take 20 minutes to travel out there and I'm not even close to being ready if I'm gonna go. Meanwhile....
Back at the reception camp the weather is tearing apart her outdoor reception set up, which was going to be BEAUTIFUL. She had done everything prior that day prior to "wedding time" to stay relaxed and calm. She went to Nia/Yoga in the morning and picked wildflowers. Then she and all her friends and helpers got the reception set up with beautiful tents and lights that she had spent good money on and what happens? A storm blows in and demolishes everything but most of all her and all her friends' efforts to set up this beautiful reception where they could chill out doors and enjoy the view and the summer evening. She became upset and stressed for various reasons. She had spent a lot of money on these tents. She had a vision for this beautiful and breathtaking reception. She had many friends and people helping her. She was warned to just set up inside because of what the weather was looking like but she wouldn't listen because she had spent so much money on those tents and the lighting and was sure the weather would pass over. But what happens? The storm does not just pass over. It hits and hits hard destroying things she spent money on. Destroying the the great efforts of herself and her friends and other people to set up this outdoor reception. Destroying her vision of this beautiful reception and ultimately destroying her efforts to remain relaxed all day. So she felt like not only did her plan fail, but money was wasted and all these people had followed her wishes only to have it all crash down and have to start all over again.
Jessie tried to be silent in her disappointment, be collected and just shake it off but her face said otherwise to people. Many people tried to talk to her including my pastor who was marrying them that evening but no one could make her feel better. She had gone upstairs to have a little "self-talk" with herself in the mirror of "Seriously, you're going to let this destroy your spirits after everything you have done to lift them up and all these people have shown you so much love and support and you're wanting to cry about the tents?" This self pep talk helped her to keep from crying and avoid being mad but deep down she still had a feeling of disappointment and worried she wouldn't be able to shake it by the time she got to the chapel for what mattered MOST, which was the union to this wonderful man.
Back to me. It's maybe 4:25pm the day of the wedding and it starts at 5:00pm but takes around 20minutes to get there because it was in a small beautiful city just outside of La Grande. I'm still in incredible pain and I've been in the worst mood all day because I was unable to re-up my pain meds before the weekend because my doctor was out of town and you can't call in narcotics so I was having to get through the weekend without pain meds to subdue the great pain from my donor site. So I was just feeling like overall shit. I looked at the clock and just immediately got up and hurried to put make-up on, do something with my hair and rushed leggings on as pain just overwhelmed my body because my donor site was on my lower leg and that's where the majority of my pain was. I started crying but just kept pushing forward because I felt I needed to be at Jessie's wedding. I just couldn't NOT be there. My friendship and love for her was and is far greater than my pain and there was just no way I could miss this particular day; miss showing her how much I love her and support her. We're going to be late unless my mom puts the pedal to the metal.
We make it to the place of the wedding in the nick of time and park over by where the reception is. I saw there were quite a few people in there and I knew of the storm that had hit because we experienced it in the car ride over so I wondered if Jessie was waiting in there still. My leg is inflamed with pain and I feel like a prize idiot with my bandages from my surgery on my neck completely showing and exposed. But I continue to push forward and try to hide my limp as I walk inside to see if Jessie is in there so I can see her because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it to the reception and I wanted her to know I had made it after all and tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. I also wanted to see if everything, most in particular HER, was okay because of the storm and I knew she had planned an outdoor reception. As soon as I walked in I saw her and she just immediately came up to me, started some tears and hugged me. Really hugged me. And I hugged her cause I knew what she had put into that reception and what she had attempted to do all day which was avoid what she was feeling at that moment. She hugged me for a good long time and just let tears of gentle crying fall and I hugged her back and told her everything was OK. I talked with her for a short while, gave her a few more hugs and saw my pastor and dear friend as well, gave him a hug before I had to head over to the chapel to take my seat.
The whole point of this story was to paint a picture for you of all the events of that day and give you background for what the conversation was about between me and my dear friend and old pastor. We started chatting in Facebook and he brought up Jessie's wedding. What he told me about what he witnessed when he saw me walk through the door to see Jessie and what he saw with Jessie's reaction and her attitude after she saw me blew me away. He told me I was a "perfect breath of grace" for her. I thought, "what? how?" So he continued on. He talked about how we have talked before about how he believes that God does not make horrible things happen but that He rather works evil for good in redeeming the shitty stuff that happens in the world and in people's lives. He said that most of the truly saintly people in the world had been through some kind of suffering in their lives before coming out the other side as extraordinary and holy people. He also said, he would be "so bold as to suggest this might be part of how God would be at work" in my life. He said that "in fact, Jesus was pretty keen on this idea" and used a section of Isaiah (called the "Songs of the Suffering Servant") to understand and explain what being Messiah meant - not a majestic conquering hero, but a suffering servant of the world.
My pastor and dear friend whom I'm having this chat with said that he saw a glimpse of what that may look like in my life when I came in to see Jessie and seeing how she changed after she saw me. When the tents blew down twice, no one could help make her feel better but when I walked in everything changed for her in that instant. He said he watched it happen, that she suddenly realized what was important and what wasn't. I didn't have to say or do anything but she knew 1) that I'm still not huge on going out in public, especially in a place where I'm among people I don't know and 2) that I felt super shitty but still made it there because I loved her and the man she was marrying, who is also a dear friend. She knows how much shit I've been through these last four years and it helped show her how trivial some things were. And more than that, he said she knew that I loved her and wanted to be there to to support them and celebrate with them. He said no one else who had tried to calm her down could have done what I did just by showing up; that I was "a saintly presence, a breath of grace, an avenue for God's presence at that wedding." I was very humbled by that. And Jessie has said that that moment ranks in her top 5 of most moving moments of her life. I'm humbled even more that I could do something like that for her. She's my dear friend and I love both her and her husband so dearly that it makes me cry good tears to think I could do that for her just by showing up, just by giving her a hug without saying anything. It gives me hope and I'm in desperate need of hope.
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