Reflections On Five Years

Today is the 5 year anniversary of my accident.  Or as many say in the burn community, "burniversary".  I know I have come a long way since that fateful night but I'm so close to it that it's hard to see just how far I've really come.  I've looked back on some pictures and it's evident that I have come so far in five years but it's still ongoing and there's really no end in sight, which, makes every day tough to wake up to.  I want to first dis spell a couple of terrible rumors about that night.  I'm sure there are more that I don't know about but I'll address the ones I do.  NO, I did not do it on purpose and NO, I was not on drugs.  I know it's much more interesting to make an incident juicy by starting rumors like that and helping to spread them but it's hurtful and upsetting to me and my family.  I'm sorry to take the juice out of it for all of you who have been involved in such rumors but it was just an accident.  A lighter caught my clothes on fire and I have no memory of the accident.  Which is not uncommon.  In fact, it happens to a lot to people who are in traumatic accidents.  They just don't remember.  But please, STOP starting and spreading such rumors about what happened to me.

Five years ago today I almost lost my life.  Instead of the anniversary of my accident, it could have been the anniversary of my death.  But I am still here and I am still wondering why I am still here when I really should not have made it.  Still wondering if there's some purpose for me and what it may be.  I search for the answer to that every day but so far I haven't figured it out.  I know I will figure it out one day but I am impatient to know why I am still alive when death was knocking at my door and what I am supposed to do with my life having been given a second chance.  And one of my biggest fears now is screwing up this second chance at life I have been given.  I'm scared I'm gonna mess it up or waste it.

My greatest ambition in life was to act and sing and be successful with it.  But with each surgery brings new, horrid scars, I fear that I will have to face the reality of that line of work and in turn face the reality that I cannot do what I love to do most in this world because of those scars.  And as far as singing goes, that is something I will have to work on and see what comes of it.  I lost the voice I had in the accident due to smoke inhalation damage.  My diaphragm was also affected so it is hard for me to get out full sentences before I need to take a breath so as singing takes a lot more breath, it is even harder to sing full phrases before I run out of air.  I don't know if I can retrain it and get what I had back but it is something for me to work on.  Just as I love to act, I also love to sing.  I know there are many other things I am able to do behind the scenes.  It will just be hard to make that transition from being in front of the camera and on the stage to being behind the camera and behind the curtains.  It will be very hard.  But to look at it positively, as I am trying harder to do, maybe I will find something I'm really good at and really enjoy.

There has been a lot of learning, adjusting and growing in these five years since my accident.  Learning about the world of burns.  Adjusting to things I can't do and learning new ways to do other things.  Adjusting to needing help with the most basic things I'd been able to do on my own for years - like dressing, showering, getting a dish or glass down from the cupboard to name a few.  Adjusting to losing most of my independence and becoming dependent.  Learning to ask for help.  And growing up.  Not just growing up but growing into traits that were always in me but will now come to define me, hold me together during the hard times and shine during the good.  Like bravery, courage, strength, tenacity, fearlessness, patience, diligence, honesty, integrity, compassion, humility and overall badassness.  Your character is the sum of all the qualities that make you who you are and though all those character traits I just listed made up who I was already, I grew into them more powerfully after the accident and with each passing day; every bad day, every good day, through every surgery, each new year, and through the good and bad news I have received in my recovery.

Faith and acceptance have been my weak point.  I have asked almost every day for five years, "why me" and still cannot get an answer to my burning question.  And because I don't understand why this happened to me, my faith has waned.  But as I have lately pondered over Carl Jung's view that there are some problems in life that are simply unsolvable and it would serve me better to just accept that life is difficult, life will become less difficult and I will find a life in all of this.  I will find my faith again.  And I will find my purpose.

Be strong, SB.  Be courageous, Sarah Beth.  Be bold.  Be fearless.  And remember what Kahlil Gibran said: "The most massive characters are seared with scars."  Well, you, Sarah Beth, are seared with massive scars, both physically and emotionally, and those scars, all your experiences in life but most particularly these past five years, have created a massive character in you.  You will rise from your ashes.