Mother Theresa once said, "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much."
Many of my friends have also agreed with Mother Theresa telling me that God hasn't given me anything in my life that He knew I couldn't handle. Well if there is a God, He certainly gave me something BIG that I guess He knew I could handle because I almost died 2 1/2 years ago and have suffered BIG time ever since. So I guess He must trust me almost as much as He trusted Mother Theresa because He dealt me an accident that almost killed me. I wish He didn't trust me so much. Because if I was a weaker person, maybe this would have never happened. So my question is, is it better to be a weaker person so that God will not deal you a bad hand just because He thinks you can handle it? I guess He thought I was a strong enough person to handle it so He dealt me a bad hand. A very, very bad hand. Somehow, that seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me.
I'm about to go through my 23rd and 24th surgery this next month so I guess I'm a pretty strong person to manage to go through all of this and not be on suicide watch. But I break down often so how strong am I really? I completely agree with Mother Theresa: I wish He didn't trust me so much because maybe this would have never happened if I wasn't so "strong" to "handle" this kind of accident. It just doesn't seem fair. But then, I suppose, life isn't fair. I found that out the hard way.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
New News on Surgery #23 and now #24
So here's an update on my surgery. The doc is actually doing it in two parts (how he's doing it in two parts I don't know yet) - the first surgery on Aug 20th and the second on Aug 30th. The surgery on Aug 20th I will only be in the hospital for 2-3 days and then surgery on aug 30th I will be in the hospital for at least 5 days. I have a pre-op appt on Aug 19th and I also emailed him about how exactly he is doing this in two parts so either he'll email, call me, or I'll wait until my pre-op appt to find out how exactly this is done.
I wish it was being done in one sweep but he knows best and doing it in two parts must be the best way to do it.
I wish it was being done in one sweep but he knows best and doing it in two parts must be the best way to do it.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Meet My Morgan
You know, I don't know if I've ever introduced you to my therapy dog. Her name is Morgan and she just turned 2! I can't believe how she has grown! Seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home. She is a purebred Papillon. A kind of dog I have wanted for a long time.
We got her as therapy for me in my recovery. She certainly helps my days. She is so special to me and quite the character AND sooo smart! I can't believe how smart she is. I want to take her to a dog training school but one hasn't come around our area yet. There was one last September but I was in the hospital. But she is so beautiful and her ears are filling out nicely. That's what papillon's are known for - the flowing hair that grows from their ears.
She is near and dear to my heart. She's my little best friend. And like Mr Henry Nubbins, my besty's twin sister's dog, she is also Team Edward :) That was just for you Kate :-)
We got her as therapy for me in my recovery. She certainly helps my days. She is so special to me and quite the character AND sooo smart! I can't believe how smart she is. I want to take her to a dog training school but one hasn't come around our area yet. There was one last September but I was in the hospital. But she is so beautiful and her ears are filling out nicely. That's what papillon's are known for - the flowing hair that grows from their ears.
She is near and dear to my heart. She's my little best friend. And like Mr Henry Nubbins, my besty's twin sister's dog, she is also Team Edward :) That was just for you Kate :-)
Friday, July 23, 2010
A Quote
I saw this quote on a good friend's status on their Facebook and it fit my situation like a glove:
"If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."
~Ann Landers
I know I have already blogged today but I just had to post this as well before I forgot it. So thank you to Joe Garoutte for finding it and posting it for me to read and see. I feel as though it spoke directly to me. I must look at my situation, the fire, the scars "squarely in the eye" and tell them just that. That I will be bigger than them and they canot defeat me, even on my worst of days.
"If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, "I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me."
~Ann Landers
I know I have already blogged today but I just had to post this as well before I forgot it. So thank you to Joe Garoutte for finding it and posting it for me to read and see. I feel as though it spoke directly to me. I must look at my situation, the fire, the scars "squarely in the eye" and tell them just that. That I will be bigger than them and they canot defeat me, even on my worst of days.
Manager wins Best Director and Best Screenplay!
So as you all know, I have spoken of an Independent film that I was going to be in back in New York. Well, things did not turn out as I had hoped so instead of casting someone else, they basically got rid of my character except for voiceovers like over intercoms. So I recorded some lines and sent it to them and then they used it in the film so I was kinda in it but you only ever hear my voice because I was just not well enough to go to travel to New York and be in front of a camera. This was highly upsetting but at least I got to be a part of it in some small way.
Well, the film has first gone to the New York Independent Film Festival and it won for best screenplay and best director and that director is my manager. So I'm extremely proud of him. This is like the fourth time he's won in this festival but this is a special one cause it was a screenplay he had been working on for about 10 years trying to get it done and he finally did and won recognition for it. I just wish I was back there and had been in the film as planned and been able to celebrate this great accomplishment.
He is next taking it to Cannes Film Festival and I plan on being there for that! I hope anyway....but the investors who have invested in this film have contracted him to do three more films because they really loved his directing style and my dear, dear manager is going to have me in all of them because he knows how much acting is my dream, my life. Luckily, I plan on definitely being in these films this time because the first one is not until October of next year at the earliest and by then I should be looking pretty good.
I am not going to give up on my dream of acting. It can happen for me, I know it. So congratulations to Joe Goodavage, my manager and winner of Best Director and Best Screenplay for The Last Gamble. Him and I are going to be like Burton and Depp, Scorsese and DiCaprio. I am going to have one great story to tell someday when I'm a big star :) And I am gonna be a big star.....
My manager and I at the 2006 New York Independent Film Festival
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Title-less
A fellow burn survivor and friend just recently had his 18 year anniversary of his burn. I can't imagine finally being so far away from all of this. I am envious of him. He looks great and his attitude is incredible. He told me the other day that since he's known me (which is only a couple months) that my attitude has changed for the better and he can see it but i'm not so sure. I feel like I'm in a funk, a rut that I can't get out of.
On another note, a good friend of mine asked me to write a poem for him a couple days ago. So stupid me actually did it and sent it to him via email. I haven't heard anything back from him and it breaks my heart. Why did I put myself in this position? What was I thinking opening up my heart like that? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I feel humiliated.
So here I am, still alone. And frustrated with waiting for this surgery. I am hoping my besty and her sister will be able to come down for this surgery. I have thought about asking the person I wrote the poem for to come down as well to see me but after not hearing back from him, I think I'm gonna squash that idea. Would have been nice.
On a lighter note, I did go out last night to two very dear friends of mine. They are married and I went to college with them. They have three great kids and it got a little crazy with them last night but I had a good time. At least I got out of the house twice this week so far. I think that might be a record. How sad is that?
And by the way, for those of you that I do see and you read this, I don't want to talk about the poem or who it was for. It was a waste of my heart.
On another note, a good friend of mine asked me to write a poem for him a couple days ago. So stupid me actually did it and sent it to him via email. I haven't heard anything back from him and it breaks my heart. Why did I put myself in this position? What was I thinking opening up my heart like that? Stupid, stupid, stupid. I feel humiliated.
So here I am, still alone. And frustrated with waiting for this surgery. I am hoping my besty and her sister will be able to come down for this surgery. I have thought about asking the person I wrote the poem for to come down as well to see me but after not hearing back from him, I think I'm gonna squash that idea. Would have been nice.
On a lighter note, I did go out last night to two very dear friends of mine. They are married and I went to college with them. They have three great kids and it got a little crazy with them last night but I had a good time. At least I got out of the house twice this week so far. I think that might be a record. How sad is that?
And by the way, for those of you that I do see and you read this, I don't want to talk about the poem or who it was for. It was a waste of my heart.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Surgery #23 Scheduled
Oh the strength it takes to wait. I heard word from my doctor and he can't get me into the OR until August 20th. That's a whole month away!! I was really hoping for 2 weeks from now. So I'm having a hard time being patient with this one cause usually I get scheduled pretty quick. And my neck and lip are just getting worse. So to have to live with this for another month is killing me both physically and emotionally and testing my patience.
It takes such incredible strength to have patience and I'm not sure I have that kind of strength. I try. oh boy do I ever try. But I don't know how successful I really am. My days pass but with little patience. This causes for a lot of tension at home sometimes. You'd think that after 2 1/2 years of this I'd have all the patience in the world, but I don't. I've been waiting for this next neck surgery and to have to wait for a whole 'nother month kills me inside because this surgery means no more contractures in my neck which also means greater mobility and well, looking better physically. Am I the only one whose skin crawls just thinking about waiting out that month? Oh patience, please come to me.
It takes such incredible strength to have patience and I'm not sure I have that kind of strength. I try. oh boy do I ever try. But I don't know how successful I really am. My days pass but with little patience. This causes for a lot of tension at home sometimes. You'd think that after 2 1/2 years of this I'd have all the patience in the world, but I don't. I've been waiting for this next neck surgery and to have to wait for a whole 'nother month kills me inside because this surgery means no more contractures in my neck which also means greater mobility and well, looking better physically. Am I the only one whose skin crawls just thinking about waiting out that month? Oh patience, please come to me.
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