I haven't felt close to God in a long time and I so desire having a close relationship with God like so many people I know do. I don't know how they do it. I think part of my problem is I'm still so angry all the time. All the time I'm angry because of what happened. It ruined my life and I feel like God did it to me. He didn't protect me. He just let it happen. And I'm so angry about that.
I have felt so alone spiritually since my accident. I feel alone a lot cause I don't see that many friends either. I isolate myself from people and the world because I just don't feel good enough for anybody and then there's the issues of my scars. Why can't i just get past that? My friends love me for who I am, not what I look like, but I still somehow deep down never feel good enough to be their friend.
I don't feel good enough for God and maybe that's why this happened. I really have a problem with self-worth. I don't find myself worthy of much. At times I don't find myself worthy of this life that I was spared and that's bad. I know that. I just don't like my life right now and with that comes not liking myself. And I try to pray and feel God's presence in my heart but I never feel it and that frustrates me. People tell me to put my faith in God that everything will be ok and that He will give me the strength to get through this. Well why did He have to let it happen in the first place? Just so He can give me that strength? I'll tell you what He did do though, was I look at life and people much different now. I don't see life as so great and wonderful anymore because of the predicament I'm in. I see most all people as beautiful and precious, especially those that are disabled in some way because I can relate. I understand their pain and frustration. I look up to those more "experienced disabled" persons though because they have learned patience and have most of all, learned to put God in their heart. I don't know how to do those things. I'm still learning. But my learning comes to abrupt halts because I get so angry at God and at life.
So here I am sobbing as I write this wishing that I would feel God's presence in the pain that I write today. But I don't. Where are you God? Did you just show up to teach me a lesson and then disappear for me to figure things out on my own? I need your help! I can't do this without You.
5 comments:
You're so loved, and so worthy. Huge long-distance hugs. I wish I could help you feel better.
i wish there was more i could do, but i want you to know that you have been on my heart and mind alot lately and have been praying for you. i'm sorry that your having such a hard time right now connectin with God, i wish i had some profound inspirational word for you. maybe this whole incident is suppose to be a tool for you to reach out to others, to help encourage and strengthen them to never give up. i dont know if this helps or not, but i want you to know that im still prayin for ya and believe that you can become closer to God. hang in there sarah.
I found your blog by accident through my sister's friends blog... anyhow, I try to read it everyday, because even though you may not know it, you give me courage. You help me to realize that all things are possible, even when you may not realize it. You survived... that is inspiring. If you need another survivor to relate to, there is a blog called http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ Her story is similar to yours, maybe by reading her struggles you will feel a connection to someone who has gone through the same thing as you. Hang in there.
I believe that God is present in your life, and I believe that it wasn't God that caused the accident, but it was God who saved you from death. That to me tells me that he has bigger plans for you than even you thought you had before the accident. You may not think so at this time, as your accident in the scheme of life, was a relatively short time ago.
God is always with you. Even when you try to push him away, or hide from him. He's there! There are times when I have the same struggles with faith, God, etc. It seems that in the times I have tried to run from him, he shows up in ways I never would have thought.
In our own selfish little way, we always question why. Why me? Why now? Why ever? Sometimes we may never have those questions answered, and sometimes the answers are right in front of us and we refuse to see them or accept them.
It is my personal belief that this tragedy could take years to come to terms with. Unfortunately, you are the only one who controls that. When accidents or tragedies like this happen, three steps need to be taken. First, you have to accept that the accident happened. Second, through therapy, medicine, etc. you have to gain the ability to stand on your own. Third, you have move forward in life by creating new dreams/modifying old ones and going for them.
This is not a criticism, nor is it an attempt to indicate you have not taken these steps personally, but rather just a different perspective.
There is a great book by a man named Lee Strobel called A Case for Faith. It is a great book that could give you some insight to things you have thought of and some things you may not have thought of. One chapter deals with "Why do bad things happen to good people." He has a couple other books that are really good and worth reading. I very highly recommend reading all of them. Love you!!
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