I just had my latest doctor appointment and another expansion done so I'm in a lot of pain right now and it will last for a couple days. So I'm not my best right now. I had to miss my dear friend's birthday party last night and I'm not very happy about that. Im just not very happy all around today.
So right now I'm listening to Jack and hoping that he will calm me down. so far so good. I'm so tired of living at home. I want to be on my own again. I am so longing to have my own place again and take care of myself. I was so good on my own. I really took care of myself. I feel like I don't take care of myself here. I have no inspiration. I feel like I have in no spiritual guidance. I've been reading spiritual books to try and help me out and there's one author who is speaking to me and I've read two of his books so far and i'm on his third. And I feel spiritual inspiriation while i'm reading it but then once I'm done I feel like all of it just goes "poof" and it's gone from my head and body. My life makes starts to make sense and how to make it better when I read him but then once I'm done I feel lost again. I don't know how to retain that spiritual inspiration I get from reading him. But then again, I need to find somewhere else to find spiritual inspiration because I'm gonna run out of his books. I get it from church when I go but once again once I leave I feel like it's left me and i'm back to being cranky and irritable about my situation.
How do I retain spiritual inspiration because I think if I have that in my life, my life will be much better. I'll be able to handle my situation better. Oh please God, help me to retain spiritual inspiration. Help me find it first. Because right now I'm so irritated I can't stand to look at my mother or my father or even myself in the mirror.
I've got even more anxiety on me right now because I just got an email announcing the dates of our high school reunion. It's not until the beginning of August and it's got me all crazy about it. I'm so nervous about it because I want to go so badly but I don't think I'll be going unless some certain surgeries are done by then. I got terrible knots in my stomach reading that email knowing that all my classmates will most likely be there and will look terrific and have great things to say about their lives and what they're doing. I'm so incredibly jealous of their lives; that they never had an accident that changed their life like it has mine. Which brings me again to the question, Why me? I don't understand. I want to go to the reunion as the person I was when I was living my first year in New York. Then I would be more than excited to go and proud of who I was and what I was doing with my life. But that's just not possible.
So how do I find that spiritual guidance I'm looking for and how do I retain it? Because maybe if I could find it and retain it, maybe I could guster up the nerve to go to my high school reunion because I would be ok with myself.
2 comments:
Sarah, I hope the pain is easing a bit.
Please don't worry too much about your reunion. Neither Gavin or I went to ours, and neither of us regrets not going at ALL. If you want to go, do. If not, own that decision and know that it IS ok if you aren't ready. Don't let your fear and pain rule you--follow your heart. Then you can be proud of yourself for doing what is right for you, whatever that is.
If you are supposed to RSVP way in advance and you can't make the decision yet, try contacting the person who is in charge and explaining your situation. When they figure out catering and stuff, they plan for people backing out and unexpected guests. I'm sure they'd be willing to let you decide at the last minute.
For the rest...Please keep your chin up. I don't know how to give, or find, spiritual guidance, but I know in my heart you WILL be happy again someday.
Love you, lady.
The Apostle Paul assures us in Romans 8:38-39, "For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." NOTHING can separate us. NOT EVEN OURSELVES! This is one of my most comforting scriptures. We may depart emotionally from God at times, but He NEVER departs from us. I hope this scripture gives you comfort, Sarah.
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