I Will Never Look the Same

I was just thinking today about a little conversation that was had between my mother, Dr. Vangelisti, my reconstructive surgeon, and myself. The basis: I will never look the same. Us three were talking about this and when the words that no I will never look the same came out of my doctors mouth I wanted to cry. But he added, "You will be better." He said, "We never look the same. But we can get better, and you will get better. And in so many more ways than just physicality." And at that, I began to cry. To hear those words from a doctor made it a reality for me that I will never look the same. What will I look like then? Will people talk to my face and then when i turn around, talk about how ugly I am now compared to what I was? I fear this. I fear it so much that I will not be attending my high school reunion. I know that sounds superficial but you really have no room to say anything unless you've been put in my shoes. Then only will I allow you to say something to me.

I know I will be a better person. I know that now. What I have been through has changed me forever and I'm beginning to believe for the better now. My family, my friends and you my followers have helped me realize that now. But it is so hard to get past the physical change. I just want my old face back, my old body. But it's gone. I will only ever have it in pictures. It is like looking back on baby pictures. It is a part of my past now, how I was born to look. Now, my physical looks are made, by the doctor. And that breaks my heart. It has been so long now that when I look in the mirror I can't even visualize what I used to look like. And that scares me. To not be able see my original face anymore. I am so scared. I feel like a rebuilt car made up of mix matched parts where you can see the scar lines where parts were put back together. I feel like Frankenstein with my scars. Though don't get me wrong, my doctors are amazing and have done wondrous jobs in terms of leaving scars. One of these days, when I am comfortable, I will post some pictures.

Can you imagine that? Imagine looking back on photo albums and have two different "you's" in physical form? The original you, the you you were born to look, and then there's the you that was pieced together and made because of some crap accident. I am trying. I am trying so hard to be at piece with my physical me now. But I think that's going to take a long time for me. I hope though that I can be an even better person than I was. I know I will. There are a lot of things I want to do for burn victims and any other victim of an accident that left them scarred. I just don't know how to be at peace with what happened.

I must also add that I had my measurements done again on my last doctor visit and I lost a centimeter in my neck extension. I can never win.