I wrote in a previous blog titled "Faith" about opening my heart and mind to suffering so that the healing could take place. well I wanted to write a short bit about how I've been trying that and I have to say it's been real hard. You have no idea how painful it is to open up your heart and mind to the kind of suffering I have. It hurts. It hurts real bad. I don't know how Sharon Salzberg did it. I don't know if I can do it but I must if I really want healing to take place.
Opening up my heart and mind to my suffering means looking in the mirror and seeing how this accident has scarred me and how some of those scars will always be there to remind me of what happened. It means looking in the mirror and seeing a physically changed self that I have to learn to love again so that I may let people in to my life again. That's possibly one of the hardest parts about it, is learning to love what I see now and allowing people into my life again despite how I may have physically changed with scars.
I keep so many people out because of that and I think frustrate a lot of people. But I don't know how to love the person in the mirror anymore, even though I really haven't changed all that much, but I do have scars that are embarassing to me to have people who knew me before the accident to see me now. Even though I know that if they are really my friends, they won't mind or even see past the scars. But what people don't realize is that, yes, I know that, but do YOU know what it's like to have physically accident free once with your friends and now to suddenly be scarred and be with your friends? Even though they may not mind if they are your true friends, it's still hard inside because I can't get past it. I keep thinking about what they are thinking about deep down. Like are they thinking anything like, "wow, she used to be a pretty girl and now look at her." That's what I fear. I fear that so much.
And that is one of the fears that I must let into my heart and mind to allow any healing to take place cause if I keep fighing it, no healing will take place. Do you know how painful it is to allow all the suffering from an accident that changed your life in a split second into your heart and mind? It makes me want to cry all the time it hurts so bad. But I know it is good for me. It will free me from all my suffering and allow people back into my life. Oh please dear God, help free me from my suffering. Let it enter my mind and heart as painlessly as you can and allow healing to take it's place.
3 comments:
I know it must be extremely difficult knowing you look different. I can honestly say that people will notice, it's not something that can be hidden, but I also believe that (certainly for myself) the Sarah I know comes from the inside. I know many very pretty people who don't have any personality, and even pretty people who have horrible personalities. What you are inside can certainly overcome what's on the outside.
Coming to terms with the accident will be the only way you will move forward. it's not easy, but is is necessary.
I can't imagine the strength it takes to talk about this and share how deeply you are hurting. I know from my side, when you are ready, yes I will see your scars and feel your pain, but to see you would be an honor. You have inspired us all to be better people. I love you for who you are. Scars can be a reminder of pain, but they can also be a motivation to keep moving forward. Please remember that although your appearence may have changed, that is not what defines you. You will always be the Sarah we knew, but better. You have a different outlook on life, one that makes you more beautiful than most. You have a second chance. I know that if you can take that step and put your heart back on the line, you will find more happiness! I love you :)
The beauty that is and always has been Sarah Beth Watterson will never diminish. No amount of fire or scarring or anything will ever change that! You are so beautiful Sarah! You have been touched by the Hand of God and are one of the most beautiful and precious things on this earth. You inspire others with your strength and awe us with your beauty. And Im not just talking about inside! Girl you are still so beautiful on the outside and as you heal more and more on the inside you will also continue to heal on the outside. Physical beauty goes through seasons, your summer will be here again before you know it! You gave come so far!!! Stay strong beauty!! I love you sweet sister!
Post a Comment