It was my dad's 60th birthday on Friday but we actually celebrated it today because both my brothers and their wives were coming down for the weekend to celebrate it. This is the first time the entire family has been together in years and it has been a most wonderful weekend.
My brother Jake went to the butcher in Portland before coming home and got filet mignon steaks to grill for my dad's birthday dinner and he did a perfect job. It was seriously the best steak I have ever eaten. After we were full of meat we took some family photos and then had cake and opened presents. My dad was treated well this year with the gifts he received. There was laughter everywhere, all the time and it was such a wonderful sound to hear because I don't hear it that often coming from myself. I'm not happy. I'm fighting to be happy but I am not winning the fight very easily.
This weekend was bittersweet because even though I was surrounded by my family that I absolutely love with all my heart, it reminds me that I'm alone, without boyfriend or husband, because I am also surrounded by married siblings. How long will I have to wait before I get to have someone to love me too? And I'm afraid the answer to that question is quite some time because of my ugly and disfiguring scars.
But my brothers were wonderful. And so were my sister-in-laws. We really did have a most wonderful birthday weekend celebration. I wish they didn't have to go so soon for they leave tomorrow morning. It seems like they were hardly here. I am very close to my brothers and it's always very sad watching them go. But I'd like to be even closer to them as well as my sister-in-laws. I never had a sister so it would be nice to be closer to them. I see the comradery that exists between my brothers and I often wish I had that with a sister. I am envious of the bond that exists between my brothers. I am envious that they have love. But it is a positive envy, not a malice one. But I do envy what they have in their lives. Will I ever be as successful in my life as they have been in theirs? Somehow I feel like I've royally screwed up my life and will never have what they have. I was given a second chance at life but will I be able to fix the things that went wrong and make amends? Will I be able to take this second chance and take it for all it's worth by doing things right this time? Can I fix my life and be happy?
No comments:
Post a Comment