"Don't live a lie, this is your one life."
This life is so hard, trust me, I know. But that statement should be true for everyone: "Don't live a lie; this is your one life." Living a lie is exhausting and it's not fair to those who love you nor yourself. I know this because my last year in New York I lived a lie. I tried to pretend that everything was ok when it wasn't. Things were getting really hard but I didn't want to own up to it until finally everything came crashing down on me. I was laid off of my job and my unemployment had run out and I had no money. So I came home for a break and that's when my accident happened.
Now I know this is our one life and we shouldn't live it as a lie nor should we take anything for granted. I almost lost my one life but I was given a second chance and I swore I would not live a lie anymore. I swore I would live life to its fullest, no matter how cheesy that sounds. But when you wake up from a month long coma of nothing but darkness, it scares you that that could have been forever: an abyss of darkness. No heaven or hell. Just nothingness. And that is damn scary. Trust me once again, I lived that month of nothingness and when I woke up I had no clue how long I had been in that darkness of nothingness. Had I met God or any angels? I don't know cause there was nothing. What if that is all there is after death? That abyss of nothingness and darkness that I had already experienced.
So we must not live a lie for this is our one life and we have truly no idea what will happen after it. All we can have is our faith and right now my faith is being questioned because of my experience. But I do know that I won't take this one life for granted anymore and I will live it to its absolute best because I was given a second chance from that darkness. Right now though, life is pretty hard for me. I'm scared of a lot of things with regards to the results of the accident. Will they be able to repair me? Will I act again? Will I stand in front of that camera again or step onto a stage again? Or is my dream gone forever? What of my faith? Is there a God? If there is, was I saved for a purpose and if so, what is that purpose? What if I don't fulfill that purpose? What if I screw up my life again? I can't let that happen. I need faith in something greater than myself, greater than the world that I will not screw up again. But it's so hard when you've experienced that abyss of nothingness and are so lonely. It's all so scary when you don't have any faith. I've gotta believe that I was saved for a purpose in this world and I must find the faith in order to find that purpose, believe in it, and fulfill it.
2 comments:
That was beautiful, Sarah. You inspire me everyday. Keep fighting the good fight, sister. It will all pay off in the end. Love you. Miss you.
AWWW Sarah!!! You know what I love about you??? You fulfill a purpose for me. You remind me of this all the time to live up your life while you got it. You know after watching my Dad go through soooooooo much I think to myself I'm afraid he is going to die before I marry or have kids...that life he will never know and that is all I've really wanted out of life...kids to have their grandparents. I am afraid of dying. I think about getting old almost everyday and sitting in a hospital looking back thinking did I do enough. What is my purpose. You know you are a muse to me. You are a dream worth following. You aren't the only one with those very same worries...you have lost so much in regards of all the pieces you have to put back together but you never know...I can totally see you as a motivational speaker. Someone who takes what you have on the inside and provides for everyone that surrounds you on the outside! What a gift you are to my life. How strong you are and how amazing of a person...God may not have been ready for you...maybe there are some oats to sew..I'm sure one day it will all be a little more obvious to you. Unfortunately I struggle with the same thoughts...what is my purpose?? I had a career and it's gone in the blink of an eye...where do I make my mark now?? For now I'm just guessing we aren't supposed to know those answers....So I'm right there with you in waiting and I hope you understand how you deeply affect people and how your presence in this world makes a difference!!!
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