Very Much In Public Today

I was out and about in public today. Very much in public. It was Crazy Days today in La Grande and my mother and I decided to get out and go walk around Crazy Days for a bit. I was pretty nervous being around so many people, being stared at and worried that I might run into anyone who hasn't seen me yet. I did pretty well reining in my fear but I could not ignore any stares. Those are the hardest to get over. However, I also did run into someone I knew whom I hadn't seen yet. Something I also did not want to happen but it turned out ok. He treated me very well and didn't make me feel different at all. So thank you Shaun, for being so kind.

I'm not sure what strangers think when they see me and my scars. I know they want desperately to ask me what happened and that's why they're staring but I still can't stand the stares. I wonder if they know my scars are from a burn, if they recognize that particular look of the scars. My occupational therapists tell me I need to learn to smile, and actually say to whoever is staring at me, "I am a burn survivor." But I can't seem to find the confidence to do that. I'm scared to speak up and tell them that what they are staring at is a burn and I was burned in an accident in my home. For some reason that is so hard for me to do. Why? That's why they're staring at me; to know what happened so wouldn't they be happy if I spoke up about it? But the nerve to do so alludes me time after time.

On a side note, I was asked by Shaun if I was going to go to the class reunion which is happening in about a month. Many people have asked me this and I'm just not sure. For awhile there I was adament that I would not go for reasons that I think (and hope) everyone can understand. But at that time, not many people had seen me. Now I have gone public with photos of myself so it's not so much a secret about my scars and disfigurement but to me, I feel like it's quite the difference between photos and seeing me in person. Everyone, on the other hand, have been so supportive of me that I think, well maybe it won't be so bad to go to the picnic at least. But when I think about it, it scares the shit out of me: to see so many people who knew what I looked like before the accident and to see how I look now. I just don't know what to do.