I am still reading, "Our Scars Are Beautiful to God" and I came across another passage that I wanted to share:
"I believe that when we go through a trial which wounds us so deeply, God can use it to teach us valuable lessons. Some of those lessons are a deeper understanding of who He is, of who we are and of what we truly believe. Our faith grows in the petri dish of struggles in the laboratory of life. One of my most valuable lessons, through all my wounds and scars, was a decision to stop saying 'why me' and to begin asking 'what now?'...During the difficult months that followed the loss of our child, I strugged with God. Just as Jacob wrestled with God through his dark night of the soul, I wrestled as well. How could He love me and allow this to happen? Why would God withhold my dream? Is He able? Is He kind? Is He really there?"
I know that God is trying to teach me a valuable lesson through my accident but I still struggle so deeply with those very questions Sharon Jaynes (the author) also had. I know I should stop asking "why me" and start asking "what now" as Sharon realized but I don't know how to understand the "why me" and I don't understand how God could withhold my dreams and possibly even destroy them. How can He be an all-loving God then?
I have a dear friend, well he is actually my acting manager, and I talked to him today and he said, as I cried on the other end, that he made a deal with God that he would never ask "why" as long as I survived. Well I did survive and he has kept that deal. He refuses to ask why or respond to me when I ask him why. he told me, "It was a terrible, horrific thing that happened to you, but you lived and I believe you lived for a reason. I believe you lived to tell you story to help others and one day you will look back on all of your suffering and understand." Well, how long will it take for me to look back and understand? I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain, as I posted last night. Today I am still in pain and I sit here crying again it hurts so bad. None of my painkillers seem to be strong enough to overpower this strength of pain.
I am tired of asking why and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. So instead, I will ask, what now? What do I do now? I am suffering greatly and I just don't understand how this God of yours can let me sit here, in relentless pain and crying my eyes out. I don't know what to do now. I'm so confused and ANGRY! of all things.
Please stop the pain, I beg of You.
4 comments:
Sarah. Your frustations are very real, very painful, and very necessary. In that, I mean it would be weird if you were not full of questions as to "why me?" Sometimes God puts us through situations to make us turn completely to Him, and to listen to what He has in store for us. The journey may be long and painful and incredibly confusing. But one thing to remember, even though you are in pain, He is still with you. He is there during your surgeries and with your surgeons, in your recovery, everyday you wake up alive and breathing. I know that one day you will finally see what all God has in store for you, and I honestly believe with my heart that it is something HUGE! The biggest frustration that I have with God is the fact that when I have questions, He waits and waits and waits to answer them. The verse I read everytime I struggle with patience with my questions is out of James. It says:
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need.
I pray that God reveals something to help you through this time. Turn to Him, lean on Him. That is what He wants, it may be painful and you may feel like God doesn't deserve anything, but remember, you are still here, BEAUTIFUL in and out, sharing with us everyone the hardest time of your life. And every single person has embraced you and we all still love you so much!
what a good friend you have. i loved the part where he said he will not ask why, but even better that he won't respond when you ask why. what now is a great place to start. i think of you often and hope deeply for your life. the painful parts are always the hardest and i'm so thankful that you write because one day, when you are far past this season, you'll look back and see the gracefulness of god all over this beautiful mess of a life. he is in it all.
Pain has a way of bringing us down; WAY DOWN. Doesn't it? Sarah, I can always tell when you write while in terrible pain. It speaks louder then any other voice we have. All I can tell you is that I hear your pain. I'm listening. And if I'm listening I KNOW God is also listening to you.
All throughout Scripture, we see that God's system operates on the principle of sowing and reaping. If you sow blessing and mercy into the lives of others, that's what you'll reap in your life in return. The same thing happens when you pray... for one another. There's a spiritual dynamic at play when you get your mind off yourself and onto others. You're sowing a seed so that God can do something in your own life.
Is there someone in your life you can pray for? Maybe it's a friend or a family member in need. They don't have to be present, you can pray for them as you go about your day or even driving in your car on the way to work. Remember, when you pray for others, God will make sure someone is praying for you. It's that connection of faith that opens the door for God to move mightily on your behalf.
A PRAYER FOR TODAY
Heavenly Father, thank You for another day to be used by You. I choose to pray for the people in my life as You have commanded. Direct my thoughts and prayers today so that I can be a blessing to others and honor You in everything I do. In Jesus' Name. Amen...(Joel Osteen)
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