Oh brilliant Johnny Cash, you couldn't be more spot on with every single word in this quote. I can't pick out a single phrase in the quote that sticks out more than any other. It's all so wickedly brilliant about our pasts. So how do I live by it? It's so hard for me to close the door on my past and not dwell on it; to not let it have any of my energy, or my time, or even my space. Particularly not dwell on it. I dwell on my past day and night. I let it take up my energy and my time because I'm constantly reminded of it with my inability to take a shower by myself, to not be able to reach up into cupboards to get my own glass or plate, to not be able to dress myself. How can I not be consumed by my past when all those things constantly remind me of the mistakes I made in the past, my failures?
He says, "You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone." I feel so lost as to how I can do that. I feel so lost in my life. I don't know where I'm going anymore so how can I possibly use it as a stepping stone? I'm so angry about my past failures and I know that's not healthy. But I am. This is all so hard for me. I don't know when I'm ever going to get past my current situation: living at home with my parents, being taken care of. When will I ever be able to live on my own again, take care of myself, wash my own hair, cook for myself and put away the dishes, dress myself, DRIVE! I haven't driven a car in 3 years. Oh, how I miss driving. The freedom it gives you. Freedom, I don't even know what that feels like anymore. I do not say that as if I'm locked up in my home and not allowed to go anywhere, but I don't have the means to go anywhere so I stay in the house all day. There are also other reasons I stay in the house but not having a car to drive somewhere is a big reason I don't go anywhere.
Another problem is I let it have all my energy, which was eye opening for me when I read that quote because maybe that is why I am tired all the time. Maybe that is why I feel drained all the time. But it is all too easy to let it have all my energy. It's harder to fight it and I simply don't have that energy to do just that, fight it. I'm drained from my past and my failures. I'm also drained from fighting for a future. I don't know if I have a real future anymore and that truly scares me. I don't want to live some mediocre life and be unhappy. I'm tired of being unhappy. So very, very tired of being unhappy. I just want to be happy again. But I don't see that happiness anywhere in sight.
So where do I go from here? My mom asked me today if I really wanted to get better when I protested against taking a bath because I simply didn't want to take the time to go through all the motions of the bath and dressing my wounds and then dressing me. A surge of heated anger raced through my veins because why wouldn't I want to get better? Why would I ever, EVER want to stay this way? My mother didn't mean anything by the question but it was a reasonable question considering I often get grumpy when we have to do things that are for the betterment of my health. But I have my reasons. For example, I got grumpy about taking a bath because it means I have to see the scars that cover my body almost entirely and that upsets me. My body is not what it used to be, particularly my face, and I have absolute hate and disgust that run through my veins because of it. So, as I asked earlier, where do I go from here? How do I manage this hate and disgust or even better yet, get rid of it? How do I NOT let it take up my time and energy and space? And most importantly, how do I build on my failure and use it as a stepping stone? I'm completely lost in my life, angry, drained, and most unhappy.
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