Don't Hog Your Journey

I'm sure you all know who Hoda Kotb is.  In case you've been on another planet for some years, she is a co-host on the fourth hour of The Today show with Kathie Lee.  You probably also know that she had breast cancer and beat it but only after having to go through a mastectomy and breast-reconstruction.  She also wrote a New York Times Bestseller book, a memoir rather about some of the worst things she has had to go through in her life thus far.  I've never read the book but she was speaking today about her book because it comes out in paperback and she talked about a piece in it that explained what led her to write this memoir and I found it really profound.  She said that she was on a plane once and a man who was sitting next to her struck up a conversation with her and long story short, at the end of the conversation he told her, "Don't hog your journey."  

What that man told her, to not hog her journey, made an incredible impact on me because there was quite a time after my accident that I didn't talk about what happened to me to anyone, except for those who already knew.  And those people who already knew didn't really broadcast it either, like on Facebook for example so I managed to keep it a secret for quite awhile to those who didn't know anything about it.  And for those who did probably thought I was recovering well and doing pretty good since I never talked about it on social media but instead made it out to be some kind of story that I was home in La Grande for a little break from New York City.  I was incredibly scared and embarrassed.  I didn't know what people would think if I told the truth to those who didn't know.  I was scared of the images I thought would go through their mind of what I would look like if burned by fire if I told them the truth.  I was scared that maybe they would go as far as to look up what burn survivors look like on the internet and then transfer those images to me.  I was also scared that if anyone wanted to see me how I would deal with it because I was so embarrassed about how I looked compared to what they knew of my physical looks before the accident.  I didn't know how to tell them I just can't see them not because I don't want to see them but because I just can't let them see me.  

Then finally, one day, I don't even remember when it was, I came out with it publicly through social media.  That was so hard and the days and weeks that followed from that day just got worse and worse as people came out of the wood works wanting to know what happened.  And after awhile, I didn't really want to talk about it to anyone anymore.  Then one day, I learned about Stephanie Clark Neilson, who is a burn survivor from a near fatal plan crash in Arizona and I learned about her blog and took a look at it.  This inspired me to start my own blog about what I was going through.  To be honest, I really had no idea what I was going to really do with my blog, what kind of blog I wanted it to be, what direction I wanted to take it, what I would write about and if anyone would even read it.  But I started one in 2009 and my first entry, "The Fire" was to explain in further detail about my accident.  

And then I learned how to post my recent blog posts on my Facebook page hoping to catch people's attention and get them to read it and I just kept writing and writing.  My blog basically became my journal that was not hidden underneath my bed or kept closed with a lock and key.  The entries in my blog, my "online journal" that I had made it, were many times very personal, expressing lots of different kinds of emotions and one of those emotions could have pissed a lot of people off and maybe it did, I just don't know about it.  But many times I talk about how angry I am at God and how my faith has been tested and I don't know what to believe anymore.  You have no idea how long I would read, re-read, and stare at those kinds of blog entries before I officially posted it wondering if I was going to piss someone off, like I said earlier, or if it would turn people off from reading it, or how people would see me after reading such personal and pretty strong feelings I harbored.  

But something magical happened.  People responded in the completely opposite way.  They praised me for not being afraid to express such strong feelings and gave incredibly supporting comments.  This reaction was a complete surprise to me.  And slowly more and more people began to sign up as "official followers" and more and more people began commenting on entries I posted and everything was positive!  I couldn't believe it!  See, Stephanie's blog is quite a bit different than mine in the way that she seems to always be so positive in every entry.  When she had her accident, she did, however, already have a husband and family so she wasn't experiencing the kind of loneliness that I do and she is also a very strong Mormon so her faith is just as equally strong.  She has never questioned God or cursed God the way that I have at times, not that I know of anyway.  And that's fine.  I'm not criticizing her in anyway.  In fact, I admire her strength and her positive attitude and how she has managed to never question her faith or God.  I think that's incredible.  But that's where my blog, my journey, differs from hers.  I don't have a husband or family of my own to make things a little easier to get through and before the accident I think I had pretty strong faith and belief in God.  But not having that family of my own and how my accident has caused me to question my faith now is what separates my blog and my journey from hers.  So, much of my blog is a lot of personal expression, much like a personal journal.  As time went on, I became more and more brave about bearing my soul to every reader. 

You're probably wondering by now what the hell I was talking about Hoda for and how what that man said ties in with all of this.  My point is, at the beginning of starting my blog and many times throughout it, I wasn't sure what I was writing for anymore.  Were people really interested in my journey?  But I continued to get more and more followers and more and more people were commenting and then people would personally tell me in email or private message on Facebook or post on my wall how they have been reading my blog and how it has inspired them.  Once I started hearing these things on a regular basis I started to feel more confident in my blog because now I knew what I was writing for:  to inspire people to be better people and live better lives because you never know what can be taken away from you or when it will all end.  And I was living proof.  And what that man said to Hoda, to not hog your journey, is so right on the money I think because if you hog your journey and not share it with others, not only may you personally suffer more by trying to get through it on your own but you rob your family, your friends and people in general of the chance to be inspired by you.  If, on the other hand, you DO share your journey in whatever form, not only do you personally have an outlet for your feelings and what you're going through but you have an incredible chance to inspire anyone and everyone around you.  And I think that's the most amazing part!  Many people, friends, family, strangers, have told me how inspiring I have been to them and how much they appreciate how real I have been in expressing what I'm going through or what feelings I'm having.  And these same people have also become an incredible support group for me. 

So now it has been 2 years since I started my blog not knowing if I should even do it, what I wanted or should write about, or even if anyone was going to read it and now I am even more determined to continue sharing my journey with everyone who comes here to read about it because I sincerely hope that they take away something from what they read that sticks with them, that inspires them.  Because if you are on a journey in your life that could change at least one person's life by sharing it with them, it's important that you do it for them.  Don't hog your journey.