Clipped Wings

It has started again.  This viscous cycle of up and down, up and down.  I was doing pretty good for awhile.  Not great, but good, OK.  And now I sit here, in front of my computer, crying and typing.  I don't know where I'm going with this post.  I just feel like my heart, my soul, have something to say.  I'll admit it, I'm a mess right now.  Tears are falling down my cheeks, I'm sitting in the same clothes (my PJ's) that I've worn the past two days now, all I want to do is sleep to forget about everything, to free my mind cause it's only in my dreams that I see myself as I once was.  I'm safe in my sleep, in my dreams.  There my dreams come true, I'm not burned, I'm free, I'm happy, I don't feel lonely or lost, and very often I'm in love with someone who loves me in return.  I've tried to fall into those dreams this morning but every time I go to lay down, I can't stop crying and that only keeps me awake, in reality.  There are many ways available to me right now to end it all.  It could be so easy.  I spoke to a friend of mine about these thoughts last night and I feel horrible that I worried him so.  I am very lucky to have the friends that I have now that care so much like he does.  I told him that if I ever did do it, I would leave all my treasured Jack White memorabilia to him cause I think he would appreciate them the most.  I think I would find something special to leave behind for each of my amazing friends that have pulled through for me and been there to support me no matter what kind of situation or predicament they themselves are in.  They've never given me an excuse not to talk to me by phone or text or email or Facebook or come see me in the hospital.  I treasure you, and you know who you are.

So what is stopping me?  There are a few things.  I am scared but not in the way you might think.  I'm not scared to do it.  What I am scared about is hurting my family, particularly my  mother, hurting my friends, my real true friends.  I don't have life insurance so it would break the bank for my family to cremate me, bury me, have a service for me, which I would not request anyway. If I had life insurance, it might be an easier choice for me.  I'm also scared of what's on the other side.  Is there a God?  Is there a heaven with an after life?  And if there is an after life, how will I be there?  Will I be stuck forever as I am now?  Or will God, if He exists, be merciful and greet me at the pearly gates as I was before the burn?  These are the things that scare me.  Not the act of it, but the after math of it and what I would find on the other side.  Some of you may think me weak for thinking of doing something like that and that's fine.  Maybe I am weak.  I used to be a pretty strong person of character.  But I have seen what life can be like and this is not how my life was supposed to end up so maybe the strength that I once possessed and knew has weakened with my body, my heart, and my soul.

I don't know if this post is exactly appropriate.  In fact, it probably isn't because I don't want to scare any of you or alarm or upset my family that I'm talking about this so publicly.  So if any of you know my family, do me favor, don't talk to them about what I have spoken of here.  They don't read it and I don't want them to know these horribly dark feelings and thoughts that I harbor.  But I told you I would always be real with you with whatever I was going through or feeling.  I have a career dream that I don't think will happen for me, I have more years to spend in this house being dependent on my mother and father and more years of surgery and reconstruction, I am utterly crazy for my favorite musician, Jack White, and I would love nothing more than to hear something from him.  His music can get me through most days and so can talking to the few real friends that I have but then there are quiet times like now, where I can do nothing but let the tears fall, my body convulse with the cries of someone in despair, and my heart feels like it's bleeding.  Can you die of a broken heart?  Can you die of a broken soul?  If you can, I'm in quite the predicament because both my heart and soul are broken.  And don't even begin to give me any bullshit about not being grateful for what I do have.  I must reiterate and emphasize that I am and always will be grateful for what I do have.  But this is not the way my soul was meant to live.  I feel like a bird with it's wings clipped and can no longer fly.