The Unknown

"My new weapon is my words and my new uniform are my scars."  ~J.R. Martinez

I may not have been a soldier like J.R. but I still identify with what he said.  Perhaps for me the first part would be changed to, "My new purpose is my words," in that with this journey that I'm going through, my purpose are my words to you to show you a better life that you can live and to better love those who are important and dear to you.

I never imagined something like this would happen to me and I'm still learning to deal with it.  Deal with the change in my body and deal, deal with my own self-image, with the change in my future, my life.  I've just gone through my 32nd surgery and I'm going to go through my 33rd surgery after the new year and will still have more to go after that.  so when does it come to the point where I can get on with my life and get out on my own?  I don't know.  I just don't know.  So what do I do?  I'm tired of the unknown.  I'm so tired of it.  I almost wish I could get a long term planned out surgery plan so I could say, "OK, this is when I'll be able to move out on my own and get my life started, get a future started," but there is no way to do that.  There will come a time when surgeries will come to a halt and they will be here and there but I will be able to have a life in between them.  But the problem is, that's a completely unknown time frame.

So I'm going through a rough patch again, struggling with emotional demons and my weight which adds to my emotional demons.  I have been exercising on a treadmill and with resistance bands but the weight has not been coming off like I'd hoped and I think a huge reason is my medications.  I'm tired of all the medications I take every morning, every lunch, and every dinner.  I just want to stop taking them all but I can't.  I feel powerless over them and that's horrible.  No one or no thing should have any power over my life and my body but me.

But the biggest thing I'm tired of is that unknown of my future, that unknown of what is to be my life.  I didn't plan for this.  No one does.  But you can plan for it in a way by living the life YOU want to live.  I halfway lived the life I wanted to live by moving to New York but even though I enjoyed it and loved it, I half-assed my career to the point where I have no one or nothing to go back to.  I "enjoyed" New York too much, if you know what I mean.  If I go back to acting, I go back to square one.  But what I want to tell you, is don't waste your life with half-assed living and what-if's.  Live it.  Do what you want to do because you never know if something could happen in your life where unknowns start to surround you like they have me.

"My new purpose is my words and my new body is my scars that tell me where I've come from and what I'm made of."  ~SB Watterson