I opened up my computer to turn it on after a nights and half a day's worth of sleeping (the computer, not me, well, I did sleep but I was ultimately talking about the computer on sleep mode) and my left hand was holding my forehead in such a way that I could see my left ring finger in the reflection of the black screen and it just set me off inside. I wear a very special silver band on my left ring finger that just says "Mo Anam Cara" which in Gaelic means, "My Soul Mate" or it can also mean "My Soul Friend" and my best friend Corrie and I wear them together. But in the reflection of the black screen on my computer, it could have passed so easy for a wedding band. It can pass for a wedding band outside a reflection, just looking at it but it really looked like a wedding band in that reflection and it killed me cause I wonder if I'll ever really get married someday. It's actually kind of pathetic I wear that ring on my left ring finger like I'm married to my best friend or something. I should switch it to my right hand but I'm usually wearing a different ring on my right hand or maybe I subconsciously wear it on my left ring finger cause I like the way it feels and even looks.
I'm pathetic to have such a thing cross my mind when I saw it in the reflection of my computer screen and even more pathetic that I'm writing about it. but I just must tell you I so value love and I miss it, the idea of it and the opportunity of it most of all. It's been a hard go of it these past 3.5, almost 4 years without love of a significant other. I'm going to be 30 in January and so many of my friends are all married now, many have kids. And here I am married to my best friend apparently, which I don't mind being married to her - I love you Corrie more than you will ever know - but it would be nice if that ring were more of a wedding band to a husband and me and my best friends rings together were worn on my other hand. Will it ever be my turn to find true love? I'm just so scared it'll never happen for me.
One is the loneliest number. And I am one.
1 comment:
I want to leave you with another perspective about single life. Two of my adult children have never dated seriously, and have made the decision to remain single. Melody is 35, and Enoch is 33. Both of them feel they have more opportunities to minister to others as single then married. They are both very happy individuals who are strong and independent without benefit of marriage and maybe even because they aren't planning on it. Just thought I'd share with you a different way to look at being single.
On the other hand, does it make me a little sad for you as well as for my two kids? You bet. Marriage can be a wonderful experience. But it just isn't always "in the cards". I hope you don't take this to mean I'm not understanding your feelings of loss or disappointment in another dream possibly never coming true. I DO understand.
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