My Own Reverie

"To lose one's self in reverie, one must very either very happy or very unhappy.  Reverie is the child of extremes."  ~Antoine Rivarol

I'm on the unhappy end of that quotation.  I know I feel defeated most days, where I feel like I have no future, I'm lonely as hell, and I can't look in a mirror cause I hate what I see.  But then there are days, rare days, where I day dream of my very own fairy tale where my scars are minimal, my reconstruction is done (for the most part) and it looks wonderful, I'm back to acting and singing, and I'm not lonely anymore.  Wow, that's one big day dream but it's my day dream and no one can take it away from me.  And just as Antoine Rivarol said, I lose myself in it.  It's wonderful there, in my daydreams, my reverie.  Always my reverie happens when I'm involved in my own activity, like crafting or listening to music or most usually, both at the same time where I forget my scars, I forget the accident for just a few moments out of my day, my reality.  It is in my reverie that I find peace and solace.  But unfortunately, it is short lived.  But during that time that is so short lived, I live a wonderful lifetime full of happiness and success and smiles so big they hurt my cheeks.

Do you think I have the power to make my own daydreams come true?  Or have they been shattered with the accident?  Do I even have the courage anymore to even try to make my reverie a reality?  I'm tired of living this hell.  I'm tired of being God awful lonely.  I'm damn tired of watching shows with love in them cause I don't have it in my own life but I can't stop because it's becomes a new part of my own reverie.  And I know that's unrealistic but my whole life has been the stage and movies so the shoe fits for me.  I don't think my daydreams are so out there.  I dream of a life filled with success, happiness, and love.  Is that so hard to obtain?  Maybe when you're me.  It takes a very special person to love someone like me with mangled scars that cover my body.  It takes a special director and producer to take a chance on an actor with scars like I have.  So what do I do?  Continue to live in my own reverie where my fairy tale comes true while my reality is a living hell?  What kind of life is that?  Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, "I want more.  I want the fairy tale."

"I live my daydreams in music."  ~Albert Einstein