.jpg)
.jpg)
Friday, August 24, 2012
My Second Jack White Concert This Year
Last week I got the chance to see Jack White in concert for the second time on this particular tour. And it rocked. I ended up going with my mom but it went great. Even though she's not as familiar with his music and the lyrics as she is with other music, she had a good time and I really enjoyed it. The greatest thing was there were many of the same songs performed but it was a completely different show than the one I saw in Eugene. And in Eugene he left right after the concert to head out to California so we didn't get an encore but this time, after much yelling and screaming from the audience, he came out for a four song encore ending the whole show with the song, "Portland, Oregon." It was a perfect way to end a killer show. I feel very lucky that I got the opportunity to see him twice in one year, on one tour. He was even so cool as to do a spontaneous afternoon show in a Portland city laundromat, which I was unfortunate to not get to see because I was in the car on the road traveling over at that time. But that's just so awesome of him to do. I still often think about the personal video message he sent me and it always puts a smile on my face. You're the best Jack. You're the best.
.jpg)
.jpg)
Friday, August 17, 2012
Not Giving The Fire Another Moment of My Life.
I have a routine, a boring routine, in the morning where I watch the local news early in the morning, then the Today show later and then Anderson at 11:00. I love the Anderson show and today was a repeat of an earlier show that I had not seen so it was new to me despite it being an older show but there was a guest on that gave some very inspiring advice. Elizabeth Smart was on via satellite and she had just recently gotten married and Anderson asked her about something her mother had said to her after she came home from being kidnapped. She said her mother told her (in more or less words) that "this man took 9 months from you....Don't let him take another minute, another moment from you. Be happy, live your life. Don't let him win the rest of your life." I think that is AMAZING words of advice in a trauma, no matter what the trauma is. I can apply it to my own life. The fire originally took four months from my life until I came home and so far it has taken now four years with doctor appt after doctor appt, surgery after surgery, hospital stay after hospital stay. I think it's time that I don't let the fire take anymore of me or my time in my life. Obviously there are gonna be times where it will take time with surgeries and hospital stays but I'm talking emotionally, mentally. It may take me physically but it's time that it not take anymore time from me mentally or emotionally. It has taken more than four years so far. How much more am I gonna allow it to take from my life? From me? There's a great lesson to be learned and taken from Elizabeth Smart's mother who was so insightful when she told her daughter that piece of advice. It's an amazing piece of advice that I just can't ignore it. Yet, I know I will give in to the fire a few days here and there because it's just too impossible to ignore what a fire can do to you not only physically, especially in my case with my contractures, but also emotionally when you used to have a life and now you have to live a new life that you're not used to, that's not what was in your life plan. I mean, I just got done with a surgery in June for bad neck contractures and I just saw my surgeon yesterday and he couldn't believe what he saw when he looked at my neck where he just did surgery. It had contracted so bad that it's actually worse than before he did surgery. And that's no fault of his. It's just the way my body heals, which is not good. So he immediately began paperwork to go forward with another surgery on the exact same place he just did surgery on plus surgery on the backs of my axillas (armpit area). So I'm highly disappointed in my neck and what my surgeon had to say about it cause he couldn't believe it either. I looked at him with tears in my eyes not yet falling over my eyelids and told him I can't believe it's worse than it was before the surgery and he put his hand on my knee, looked at me and said, "we will continue to move forward and work on anything that needs to be worked on as long as you're willing to continue on." I, of course, through tears in my eyes, nodded and said, "yes, I'm with you all the way." It was a hard doctor appt cause he just couldn't believe how bad I had contracted and how soon after the surgery I have to go back in for the same surgery on fresh wounds.
But watching Anderson today and listening to Elizabeth Smart and what her mother said to her can be applied to anyone who has been through a trauma, whether it's been by a human being as in Elizabeth's case, or fire, as in my case. There's nothing worse than giving in to the trauma you've been through. But to rise above it, to rise from the ashes, and not give it another emotional or mental minute of your time, of your life, is an ultimate success in your life. And it's something that I need to learn because there are many days where I give in to what the fire took from me. I can't help it. But I need to learn to help it and not give it another minute of my life. I need to rise above it and move on and find what is worth it in my life to give my full attention to.
But watching Anderson today and listening to Elizabeth Smart and what her mother said to her can be applied to anyone who has been through a trauma, whether it's been by a human being as in Elizabeth's case, or fire, as in my case. There's nothing worse than giving in to the trauma you've been through. But to rise above it, to rise from the ashes, and not give it another emotional or mental minute of your time, of your life, is an ultimate success in your life. And it's something that I need to learn because there are many days where I give in to what the fire took from me. I can't help it. But I need to learn to help it and not give it another minute of my life. I need to rise above it and move on and find what is worth it in my life to give my full attention to.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Finding My Glory
http://vimeo.com/17150524
A friend posted the above video to me a couple weeks back and it really made an impact on me. It's a beautiful short film called "The Butterfly Circus" about a man with no arms and no legs who was made to be part of a sideshow freak show in a circus until he met up with a man who was the ringmaster of another circus who told him there was nothing wrong with him. He ended up traveling with that new ringmaster's circus, the Butterfly Circus, and no one would help him do anything until one day the ringmaster told him something very valuable and that was, "the greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." I struggle so everyday but when I heard him say that it made me feel like there was some glory to be had in all of this and because of the great struggle I go through the more glorious that triumph will be, just like he said. I don't know what glory can come out of all of this. The one thing I wanted to do most in this world may not be there for my taking anymore. There are some days where I still believe it but most days I see it as a long distance wish and no more a dream of a career. So what glory is there in all this struggle for me?
Then I also think of Oscar Pistorius. Oscara Pistorius was born with fibular hemimelia in both his legs, which is congenital absence of the fibula. At 11 months old, his legs were amputated halfway between his knees and ankles. Despite this, he took part in all kinds of sporting activities growing up in school until he found running and "never looked back." You will all know Oscar as the "blade runner" in this year's Olympics and you have all no doubt found him awe inspiring. But there is something even more inspiring about him to people who are disabled or who have been through a trauma. His incredible attitude and positivity cannot be touched and his heart is so big. He does not and never has let his "disabiltiy" get in his way nor has he even looked at his disability as a disability. He has been quoted very often saying, "You are not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have." I think about that and wonder what abilities I have that make me able. But I also look at him and think what an amazing young man he is and how I need to find ways to be great and to teach others of what I've been through and learned.
I am currently undergoing a struggle, a great struggle that I cannot tell you about. Only few people know about it. It is a great struggle regarding weight loss and the way back to being strong and fit again. It has challenged me and challenged me to the point of tears sometimes but I have gotten through it so far. It reminds me of the great commercial that has been airing during the Olympics, "Find Your Greatness." This struggle I have been going through is a start to finding my greatness again. Like he says in that short film I gave you the link to and I think you should definitely watch, "the greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." And from Oscar, I need to focus more on what I am able than the disabilities I have. Perhaps I will find my glory there.
A friend posted the above video to me a couple weeks back and it really made an impact on me. It's a beautiful short film called "The Butterfly Circus" about a man with no arms and no legs who was made to be part of a sideshow freak show in a circus until he met up with a man who was the ringmaster of another circus who told him there was nothing wrong with him. He ended up traveling with that new ringmaster's circus, the Butterfly Circus, and no one would help him do anything until one day the ringmaster told him something very valuable and that was, "the greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." I struggle so everyday but when I heard him say that it made me feel like there was some glory to be had in all of this and because of the great struggle I go through the more glorious that triumph will be, just like he said. I don't know what glory can come out of all of this. The one thing I wanted to do most in this world may not be there for my taking anymore. There are some days where I still believe it but most days I see it as a long distance wish and no more a dream of a career. So what glory is there in all this struggle for me?
Then I also think of Oscar Pistorius. Oscara Pistorius was born with fibular hemimelia in both his legs, which is congenital absence of the fibula. At 11 months old, his legs were amputated halfway between his knees and ankles. Despite this, he took part in all kinds of sporting activities growing up in school until he found running and "never looked back." You will all know Oscar as the "blade runner" in this year's Olympics and you have all no doubt found him awe inspiring. But there is something even more inspiring about him to people who are disabled or who have been through a trauma. His incredible attitude and positivity cannot be touched and his heart is so big. He does not and never has let his "disabiltiy" get in his way nor has he even looked at his disability as a disability. He has been quoted very often saying, "You are not disabled by the disabilities you have, you are able by the abilities you have." I think about that and wonder what abilities I have that make me able. But I also look at him and think what an amazing young man he is and how I need to find ways to be great and to teach others of what I've been through and learned.
I am currently undergoing a struggle, a great struggle that I cannot tell you about. Only few people know about it. It is a great struggle regarding weight loss and the way back to being strong and fit again. It has challenged me and challenged me to the point of tears sometimes but I have gotten through it so far. It reminds me of the great commercial that has been airing during the Olympics, "Find Your Greatness." This struggle I have been going through is a start to finding my greatness again. Like he says in that short film I gave you the link to and I think you should definitely watch, "the greater the struggle, the more glorious the triumph." And from Oscar, I need to focus more on what I am able than the disabilities I have. Perhaps I will find my glory there.
Friday, July 20, 2012
Stronger Than What Tried To Hurt Me
A great friend of mine posted this to me on Facebook and I thought it was so perfect and beautiful and inspiring that I had to post it here. Scars are usually a "cool" thing for people to show off cause their scar(s) are usually smaller than mine and all the other burn survivors out there where our scars take up location on our whole bodies and aren't as "cool" looking as your average scar. Most of the time, our burn scars deform us and we don't see them as "cool." Some of us have come to accept them and some of us haven't yet, like me. But this saying gave me a different outlook on the scars that cover my body. It reminds me that my scars show me everyday that I was stronger than the fire that tried to hurt me. And that is nothing to be ashamed of. Of course, I've never been "ashamed" of my scars, only embarrassed. But this saying works the same. It has actually helped me to look at the scars that cover my body in a different way. A bold statement that I'm a survivor and I was stronger than the fire that tried to hurt me.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
A Breath of Grace For A Very Dear Friend
I often have conversations with my once pastor (he has since moved to a new city) and also dearest friend and these conversations can get deep talking about my situation, what happened to me, what I can/need to do in different situations be it my life in general or a particular situation. But I've never written about them because they are quite personal and between me and my dear friend who also used to be my pastor but I had a conversation with him yesterday that made me think and also made me cry happy and sad tears but yet made me feel hopeful and good. So I want to share that conversation with you and I want you to know that I have his permission to talk about it and I also have the permission of my very dear friend that this story revolves around. So where to start. I guess at the beginning with my dear friend Jessie....
I started a friendship with Jessie first through Facebook because of a mutual friendship we have with my pastor and his wife. Then my pastor and his wife moved to a new city and Jessie continued to reach out to me when I finally had her come to my house to meet her for the first time. I immediately liked her and I hoped she liked me back. You may remember her when she dressed up as Meg from the White Stripes for Halloween and her and her now husband dressed up as Jack White and came to my house all dressed up early to show off their costumes for me because I wasn't going to get to see them on Halloween because I was going to be in surgery and in the hospital. So they did an early Halloween present for me and dressed up as they were going to for Halloween and came to my house so I could see it since I love Jack White and the White Stripes are my all time favorite band. Slowly since then Jessie and I got to know each other and then it started to pick up more and more as we hung out each time.
Skip to Jessie getting married. Ever since I've known Jessie, she had been engaged to a most wonderful man so I haven't known her very long. Really only since October of last year. But she got married this June and it was iffy if I was going to be able to make it to her wedding because I had surgery scheduled and I didn't know if I was going to be out of the hospital by the date of her wedding. It turned out I was going to be home in time but I was also in a lot of pain and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be there because of the great pain I was in. I told her I wasn't sure if I was going to make it because of my pain but that I would try.
Now it's the day of Jessie's wedding. It's an evening wedding and they had this great outdoor reception planned and weather is turning terrible. My pain is also terrible. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to make it to my so very dear friend's wedding even though I am wanting to go so badly to support her and show her and her soon to be husband (great guy) the love that I have for them. I still don't know if I'm gonna make it an hour before the wedding and it's gonna take 20 minutes to travel out there and I'm not even close to being ready if I'm gonna go. Meanwhile....
Back at the reception camp the weather is tearing apart her outdoor reception set up, which was going to be BEAUTIFUL. She had done everything prior that day prior to "wedding time" to stay relaxed and calm. She went to Nia/Yoga in the morning and picked wildflowers. Then she and all her friends and helpers got the reception set up with beautiful tents and lights that she had spent good money on and what happens? A storm blows in and demolishes everything but most of all her and all her friends' efforts to set up this beautiful reception where they could chill out doors and enjoy the view and the summer evening. She became upset and stressed for various reasons. She had spent a lot of money on these tents. She had a vision for this beautiful and breathtaking reception. She had many friends and people helping her. She was warned to just set up inside because of what the weather was looking like but she wouldn't listen because she had spent so much money on those tents and the lighting and was sure the weather would pass over. But what happens? The storm does not just pass over. It hits and hits hard destroying things she spent money on. Destroying the the great efforts of herself and her friends and other people to set up this outdoor reception. Destroying her vision of this beautiful reception and ultimately destroying her efforts to remain relaxed all day. So she felt like not only did her plan fail, but money was wasted and all these people had followed her wishes only to have it all crash down and have to start all over again.
Jessie tried to be silent in her disappointment, be collected and just shake it off but her face said otherwise to people. Many people tried to talk to her including my pastor who was marrying them that evening but no one could make her feel better. She had gone upstairs to have a little "self-talk" with herself in the mirror of "Seriously, you're going to let this destroy your spirits after everything you have done to lift them up and all these people have shown you so much love and support and you're wanting to cry about the tents?" This self pep talk helped her to keep from crying and avoid being mad but deep down she still had a feeling of disappointment and worried she wouldn't be able to shake it by the time she got to the chapel for what mattered MOST, which was the union to this wonderful man.
Back to me. It's maybe 4:25pm the day of the wedding and it starts at 5:00pm but takes around 20minutes to get there because it was in a small beautiful city just outside of La Grande. I'm still in incredible pain and I've been in the worst mood all day because I was unable to re-up my pain meds before the weekend because my doctor was out of town and you can't call in narcotics so I was having to get through the weekend without pain meds to subdue the great pain from my donor site. So I was just feeling like overall shit. I looked at the clock and just immediately got up and hurried to put make-up on, do something with my hair and rushed leggings on as pain just overwhelmed my body because my donor site was on my lower leg and that's where the majority of my pain was. I started crying but just kept pushing forward because I felt I needed to be at Jessie's wedding. I just couldn't NOT be there. My friendship and love for her was and is far greater than my pain and there was just no way I could miss this particular day; miss showing her how much I love her and support her. We're going to be late unless my mom puts the pedal to the metal.
We make it to the place of the wedding in the nick of time and park over by where the reception is. I saw there were quite a few people in there and I knew of the storm that had hit because we experienced it in the car ride over so I wondered if Jessie was waiting in there still. My leg is inflamed with pain and I feel like a prize idiot with my bandages from my surgery on my neck completely showing and exposed. But I continue to push forward and try to hide my limp as I walk inside to see if Jessie is in there so I can see her because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it to the reception and I wanted her to know I had made it after all and tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. I also wanted to see if everything, most in particular HER, was okay because of the storm and I knew she had planned an outdoor reception. As soon as I walked in I saw her and she just immediately came up to me, started some tears and hugged me. Really hugged me. And I hugged her cause I knew what she had put into that reception and what she had attempted to do all day which was avoid what she was feeling at that moment. She hugged me for a good long time and just let tears of gentle crying fall and I hugged her back and told her everything was OK. I talked with her for a short while, gave her a few more hugs and saw my pastor and dear friend as well, gave him a hug before I had to head over to the chapel to take my seat.
The whole point of this story was to paint a picture for you of all the events of that day and give you background for what the conversation was about between me and my dear friend and old pastor. We started chatting in Facebook and he brought up Jessie's wedding. What he told me about what he witnessed when he saw me walk through the door to see Jessie and what he saw with Jessie's reaction and her attitude after she saw me blew me away. He told me I was a "perfect breath of grace" for her. I thought, "what? how?" So he continued on. He talked about how we have talked before about how he believes that God does not make horrible things happen but that He rather works evil for good in redeeming the shitty stuff that happens in the world and in people's lives. He said that most of the truly saintly people in the world had been through some kind of suffering in their lives before coming out the other side as extraordinary and holy people. He also said, he would be "so bold as to suggest this might be part of how God would be at work" in my life. He said that "in fact, Jesus was pretty keen on this idea" and used a section of Isaiah (called the "Songs of the Suffering Servant") to understand and explain what being Messiah meant - not a majestic conquering hero, but a suffering servant of the world.
My pastor and dear friend whom I'm having this chat with said that he saw a glimpse of what that may look like in my life when I came in to see Jessie and seeing how she changed after she saw me. When the tents blew down twice, no one could help make her feel better but when I walked in everything changed for her in that instant. He said he watched it happen, that she suddenly realized what was important and what wasn't. I didn't have to say or do anything but she knew 1) that I'm still not huge on going out in public, especially in a place where I'm among people I don't know and 2) that I felt super shitty but still made it there because I loved her and the man she was marrying, who is also a dear friend. She knows how much shit I've been through these last four years and it helped show her how trivial some things were. And more than that, he said she knew that I loved her and wanted to be there to to support them and celebrate with them. He said no one else who had tried to calm her down could have done what I did just by showing up; that I was "a saintly presence, a breath of grace, an avenue for God's presence at that wedding." I was very humbled by that. And Jessie has said that that moment ranks in her top 5 of most moving moments of her life. I'm humbled even more that I could do something like that for her. She's my dear friend and I love both her and her husband so dearly that it makes me cry good tears to think I could do that for her just by showing up, just by giving her a hug without saying anything. It gives me hope and I'm in desperate need of hope.
I started a friendship with Jessie first through Facebook because of a mutual friendship we have with my pastor and his wife. Then my pastor and his wife moved to a new city and Jessie continued to reach out to me when I finally had her come to my house to meet her for the first time. I immediately liked her and I hoped she liked me back. You may remember her when she dressed up as Meg from the White Stripes for Halloween and her and her now husband dressed up as Jack White and came to my house all dressed up early to show off their costumes for me because I wasn't going to get to see them on Halloween because I was going to be in surgery and in the hospital. So they did an early Halloween present for me and dressed up as they were going to for Halloween and came to my house so I could see it since I love Jack White and the White Stripes are my all time favorite band. Slowly since then Jessie and I got to know each other and then it started to pick up more and more as we hung out each time.
Skip to Jessie getting married. Ever since I've known Jessie, she had been engaged to a most wonderful man so I haven't known her very long. Really only since October of last year. But she got married this June and it was iffy if I was going to be able to make it to her wedding because I had surgery scheduled and I didn't know if I was going to be out of the hospital by the date of her wedding. It turned out I was going to be home in time but I was also in a lot of pain and I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be there because of the great pain I was in. I told her I wasn't sure if I was going to make it because of my pain but that I would try.
Now it's the day of Jessie's wedding. It's an evening wedding and they had this great outdoor reception planned and weather is turning terrible. My pain is also terrible. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to make it to my so very dear friend's wedding even though I am wanting to go so badly to support her and show her and her soon to be husband (great guy) the love that I have for them. I still don't know if I'm gonna make it an hour before the wedding and it's gonna take 20 minutes to travel out there and I'm not even close to being ready if I'm gonna go. Meanwhile....
Back at the reception camp the weather is tearing apart her outdoor reception set up, which was going to be BEAUTIFUL. She had done everything prior that day prior to "wedding time" to stay relaxed and calm. She went to Nia/Yoga in the morning and picked wildflowers. Then she and all her friends and helpers got the reception set up with beautiful tents and lights that she had spent good money on and what happens? A storm blows in and demolishes everything but most of all her and all her friends' efforts to set up this beautiful reception where they could chill out doors and enjoy the view and the summer evening. She became upset and stressed for various reasons. She had spent a lot of money on these tents. She had a vision for this beautiful and breathtaking reception. She had many friends and people helping her. She was warned to just set up inside because of what the weather was looking like but she wouldn't listen because she had spent so much money on those tents and the lighting and was sure the weather would pass over. But what happens? The storm does not just pass over. It hits and hits hard destroying things she spent money on. Destroying the the great efforts of herself and her friends and other people to set up this outdoor reception. Destroying her vision of this beautiful reception and ultimately destroying her efforts to remain relaxed all day. So she felt like not only did her plan fail, but money was wasted and all these people had followed her wishes only to have it all crash down and have to start all over again.
Jessie tried to be silent in her disappointment, be collected and just shake it off but her face said otherwise to people. Many people tried to talk to her including my pastor who was marrying them that evening but no one could make her feel better. She had gone upstairs to have a little "self-talk" with herself in the mirror of "Seriously, you're going to let this destroy your spirits after everything you have done to lift them up and all these people have shown you so much love and support and you're wanting to cry about the tents?" This self pep talk helped her to keep from crying and avoid being mad but deep down she still had a feeling of disappointment and worried she wouldn't be able to shake it by the time she got to the chapel for what mattered MOST, which was the union to this wonderful man.
Back to me. It's maybe 4:25pm the day of the wedding and it starts at 5:00pm but takes around 20minutes to get there because it was in a small beautiful city just outside of La Grande. I'm still in incredible pain and I've been in the worst mood all day because I was unable to re-up my pain meds before the weekend because my doctor was out of town and you can't call in narcotics so I was having to get through the weekend without pain meds to subdue the great pain from my donor site. So I was just feeling like overall shit. I looked at the clock and just immediately got up and hurried to put make-up on, do something with my hair and rushed leggings on as pain just overwhelmed my body because my donor site was on my lower leg and that's where the majority of my pain was. I started crying but just kept pushing forward because I felt I needed to be at Jessie's wedding. I just couldn't NOT be there. My friendship and love for her was and is far greater than my pain and there was just no way I could miss this particular day; miss showing her how much I love her and support her. We're going to be late unless my mom puts the pedal to the metal.
We make it to the place of the wedding in the nick of time and park over by where the reception is. I saw there were quite a few people in there and I knew of the storm that had hit because we experienced it in the car ride over so I wondered if Jessie was waiting in there still. My leg is inflamed with pain and I feel like a prize idiot with my bandages from my surgery on my neck completely showing and exposed. But I continue to push forward and try to hide my limp as I walk inside to see if Jessie is in there so I can see her because I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it to the reception and I wanted her to know I had made it after all and tell her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. I also wanted to see if everything, most in particular HER, was okay because of the storm and I knew she had planned an outdoor reception. As soon as I walked in I saw her and she just immediately came up to me, started some tears and hugged me. Really hugged me. And I hugged her cause I knew what she had put into that reception and what she had attempted to do all day which was avoid what she was feeling at that moment. She hugged me for a good long time and just let tears of gentle crying fall and I hugged her back and told her everything was OK. I talked with her for a short while, gave her a few more hugs and saw my pastor and dear friend as well, gave him a hug before I had to head over to the chapel to take my seat.
The whole point of this story was to paint a picture for you of all the events of that day and give you background for what the conversation was about between me and my dear friend and old pastor. We started chatting in Facebook and he brought up Jessie's wedding. What he told me about what he witnessed when he saw me walk through the door to see Jessie and what he saw with Jessie's reaction and her attitude after she saw me blew me away. He told me I was a "perfect breath of grace" for her. I thought, "what? how?" So he continued on. He talked about how we have talked before about how he believes that God does not make horrible things happen but that He rather works evil for good in redeeming the shitty stuff that happens in the world and in people's lives. He said that most of the truly saintly people in the world had been through some kind of suffering in their lives before coming out the other side as extraordinary and holy people. He also said, he would be "so bold as to suggest this might be part of how God would be at work" in my life. He said that "in fact, Jesus was pretty keen on this idea" and used a section of Isaiah (called the "Songs of the Suffering Servant") to understand and explain what being Messiah meant - not a majestic conquering hero, but a suffering servant of the world.
My pastor and dear friend whom I'm having this chat with said that he saw a glimpse of what that may look like in my life when I came in to see Jessie and seeing how she changed after she saw me. When the tents blew down twice, no one could help make her feel better but when I walked in everything changed for her in that instant. He said he watched it happen, that she suddenly realized what was important and what wasn't. I didn't have to say or do anything but she knew 1) that I'm still not huge on going out in public, especially in a place where I'm among people I don't know and 2) that I felt super shitty but still made it there because I loved her and the man she was marrying, who is also a dear friend. She knows how much shit I've been through these last four years and it helped show her how trivial some things were. And more than that, he said she knew that I loved her and wanted to be there to to support them and celebrate with them. He said no one else who had tried to calm her down could have done what I did just by showing up; that I was "a saintly presence, a breath of grace, an avenue for God's presence at that wedding." I was very humbled by that. And Jessie has said that that moment ranks in her top 5 of most moving moments of her life. I'm humbled even more that I could do something like that for her. She's my dear friend and I love both her and her husband so dearly that it makes me cry good tears to think I could do that for her just by showing up, just by giving her a hug without saying anything. It gives me hope and I'm in desperate need of hope.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Twenty Seconds of Insane Courage
"We Bought A Zoo" is one of the most inspiring stories and films I've seen in a long time. There's a lot in it that I can relate to. If you haven't seen it yet, you should tonight. What I relate to in the story is the trauma that can happen in one's life, how we handle that trauma when it happens and the aftermath of it, and the need to wanna either take it back or be able to start new from it. I have both those needs on different days. But in the film there's something that really hits it home for me and that's when Matt Damon talks about sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage and it can change your life. Twenty seconds. Of insane courage. If you can do that, you never know what great things could come of it. I think about that heavily and wonder what I could really do with twenty seconds of insane courage. Makes me wonder the possibilities that could come of my own twenty seconds of insane courage. Making the commitment for my PhD when the time comes to apply? Going out and meeting someone? Taking this meeting to talk to a personal trainer? Just twenty seconds of courage to get through a moment in my day where I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in my life.
If you applied this to your life, what could you do? It doesn't have to be just one twenty seconds. It can be several twenty seconds of courage in a single day. Which is what I'm going to need for my days. These past several weeks have been real tough, a real struggle. So what twenty seconds of insane courage can I do to get me out of this funk? Twenty seconds is all I need....twenty seconds....oh God if You're there, please help me. Twenty seconds...
If you applied this to your life, what could you do? It doesn't have to be just one twenty seconds. It can be several twenty seconds of courage in a single day. Which is what I'm going to need for my days. These past several weeks have been real tough, a real struggle. So what twenty seconds of insane courage can I do to get me out of this funk? Twenty seconds is all I need....twenty seconds....oh God if You're there, please help me. Twenty seconds...
Monday, July 2, 2012
Hard Days
There are some days in the month I seem to go through (and I'm not talking about PMS) where it seems impossible to get through the day. Even to get through an hour of that day it's excruciating. This past weekend and so far starting this week it is those days. So I was listening to Coldplay's recent record on vinyl that was bought for me off my wishlist and I like to play it because it reminds me of the concert my mother and I went to. It reminds me of a happy time in my miserable life. The second song on the record is "Paradise" and it always makes me think of how I feel everyday listening to the lyrics. It talks about a girl and how she expected the world to be but it flew away from her reach and for whatever reason it does not say but in my case, my world flew away from my reach March 17th, 2008. I feel like I have nothing for a future, nothing to look forward to. And as in the song, the only place I can run away to from everything is in my sleep and dream dreams of paradise and life gone right. The lyrics, "Life goes on, it gets so heavy, the wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall," are so much of my life everyday. Life feels so heavy on my shoulders and I feel like when I cry, I cry waterfalls of tears because I cry so deeply and so hard. I cry for what I lost and I cry for what may never be.
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach so
She ran away in her sleep
And dreamed of
Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise, Para-para-paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth
Life goes on, it gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear a waterfall
In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes
In the night the stormy night away she'd fly
And dreams of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
She'd dream of
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
La-la-la-la-la-la-la
La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
And so lying underneath those stormy skies
She'd say, "oh, ohohohoh I know the sun must set to rise"
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Para-para-paradise
This could be
Para-para-paradise
Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-oh-oh
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)