I Took a Walk Alone

Yesterday I did a major thing. I did something all by myself. I went for a walk alone...well, my dog was with me but other than that, all by myself. You're probably thinking, "what's the big deal about that?" The big deal is I don't do anything by myself. Nothing. I am assisted with everything I do, except go to the bathroom. So to set out on this walk by myself was a big deal.


While I was on my walk I thought about a lot of things. I first thought about being on my own again cause going on this walk by myself made me feel like I was on my own again and I could take care of myself. But I also thought about God and about a prayer we said in church last Sunday. it basically was a prayer saying sorry for not believing in Him when we are scared or not believing that He will take care of us if we just let Him into our hearts. That is me. I am so sorry, God, for not letting you in my heart and believing that you will take care of me. I just have to let go and believe. But I must firstly be forgiven for being so angry, which I still am. But yesterday I wasn't so angry. I felt free, I felt ok about my life and believed that it was only going to get better because for that 45 minutes I was on that walk, I think I let God into my heart. And boy did it feel good.

But when I came home, it didn't take long before I was angry again and almost like I ripped God our of my heart and told Him to piss off. I'm having such a hard time lately with being angry. I'm so angry all the time. I don't know what to think about God because of what happened to me. Why would He let something so horrible happen? I almost feel as if He ruined my life. These thoughts make me so angry. But while I was on that walk, I wasn't so angry and it felt really good. I almost felt at peace with God, and most of all, myself.

So today, I'm going to go on another walk and see if my anger goes away and if that peace comes again. Maybe talk to God and let him in my heart for however long it takes me to walk because it seems that when I come home, I shove Him out. Don't get me wrong, I love my home. But I feel like it's an assisted living home for me. I love my parents more than anything and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they have done and sacrificed. And that's another thing I get angry at God about. Is why did He have to hurt my family along with me? I get so angry about that too. Why am I so angry all the time lately? Why can't I let God into my heart and believe that He will take care of me and my family. I'm so sorry God for not letting you into my heart and believing. I'm trying.