Well, it is the morning of the day that we leave for Portland and we have decided to go to church this morning before we leave. I felt that I needed to try and feel God's presence before we leave.
Last night I asked my pastor, Clay, if he would write down a prayer or a scripture that my mother and I could read together tonight, before I go to bed, to help me, once again, feel God's presence and put me at ease so I can get a good night's rest before I have to get up so very early to go to the hospital (I have to BE THERE AT 6am for a surgery at 8am). And I talked to Clay just now, this morning, through Facebook chat and what he wants to do is gather some people after worship and after everyone's gone down to the potluck for a small prayer together for me. When he said his idea I just wanted to cry. That is such a wonderful thing to think of and do for me. All he had to do was just write down a prayer but instead he's going MANY steps further in gathering people together for a post-worship prayer. How lucky I feel that I have him not only as my pastor, but as my friend, one of my dearest friends at that. And how lucky I am that I have a church filled with people who will be there at that prayer for me because they care that much about me. I will be curious to see who will be there to pray for me and how many. I'm not asking for a lot, just a few would be nice enough.
People tell me all the time that there was a reason for my accident but I can't figure out that reason. But one of those people who have said that to me also said that "God only puts you through things he knows you can handle." I don't know if she's right or not because there have been a lot of people in this world who have killed themselves because they couldn't handle something that happened to them. But I know I will not resort to that. I know I can handle this so it is true in my case. But what about the others? I'm handling it, but sometimes not very well because I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. It destroyed my life. However, another friend of mine, also a pastor, told me that it didn't destroy my life, it changed it and I must see it that way. But how can I see it that way when I can't even lay down on a bed and prop up my head with my hands? Something so simple as that, I cannot do anymore. I know that seems random but I bring it up because while my mother was putting on her make-up the other morning, I tried to lay down on her bed on my stomach and put my elbows on the bed and prop my head up with my hands and I couldn't do it. And I never will be able to. So it's so hard for me see it as "changed" rather than "destroyed" when I can't do things I used to be able to do, or that other people can do.
But I'm trying to see my accident differently through the help of my pastor, Clay, and as of most recent also the help of another pastor/friend I went to college with. It's just so hard and I try so hard to keep it together. My biggest problem is my faith in God and questioning Him now because of what happened. This accident is truly testing my faith in a big way and I'm not sure what I believe in anymore.
Well, I best get off of here and get ready for church and get ready to go. I will write more tonight to let you know how the prayer went.
1 comment:
What a coincidence that OUR church had a special time of prayer for the sick this morning too! God wants to work mightily in our lives. All we have to do is humbly lay ourselves before our creator, and He will do amazing things. God loves us so much. If we believe that our lives will be impacted in ways we can't even imagine. I'm thinking of you, and praying for you Sarah.
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