I am having a hard time lately believing in anything. I look at old pictures of myself and I cry because right now I don't recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. Though the fire only got the bottom half of my face, it was a good bottom half. The fire burned my lips and cheeks and chin and it's so hard to believe that those things will be fixed, according to the doctor. My lip is big and pulled down and out by my neck, which was the most severely burned. So I feel like I look lik ean idiot when I smile or even just let my mouth be relaxed. That is one of the most embarassing things the fire left me with.
The scarring on my face the doctor has said he will essentially "sand" off (i can't remember the right word he used). And as for my lip, well hopefully it will help be released when he finishes my neck and then he will probably release it again so maybe there will be hope that I'll have a normal looking lip again.
But when I look in the mirror, or at old pictures of myself, I feel a vengeful, mean God for how could he do this to me? I will bear these scars forever. My skin will never be the same. The only good thing that came out of the accident was that I have changed...for the better. I now know what it feels like to be stared at for my disfigurement. I now know that there are more to people than what you see and beauty is much, much deeper than the skin. It goes deep into the soul. It's funny though, because even though I know that beauty runs deep in the soul and hides behind the eyes, I still don't feel beautiful. I feel ugly. And I'm finding it hard to believe that the doctor will be able to repair and reconstruct me to my old self, despite his confidence that he can. I'm scared. I'm real scared that I'll never be beautiful on the outside. I have so far to go yet.
Sometimes I actually hate God for what He did to me. Why? What did I do to deserve such a horrible punishment? He ruined everything in my life. Yet, despite that, He did show me what family and real true friends are because I have the best family and the best friends in the world. He also changed me for the better. I no longer take things for granted because I have had to start all over and still am unable to do the simplest things in life. I know a much different life than I used to. And it's a life that questions even the existance of a God. For if He loved me, couldn't he find a better way to teach me a lesson? One that wouldn't have disfigured me and left me to question my own faith. I cry to myself all the time asking why. why, why, why? I hope someday I will find the answer. And I hope someday I'll be able to look at myself in a picture or the mirror and see the girl I once was, only a little better.
Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead! 1 Peter 1:6
Be content with what you have, for God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." Hebrews 13:5,6
3 comments:
So, my question for you is have you seen any of your Doctor's work?? Is there another who has gone thru the same and you can see there is reason to believe in this man?? Just wondering. I'm willing to bet if he says he can...he will. I have seen Doctor's bring my father back to life when they said he should've been dead!! 3 times! They said he'd never be without a feeding tube. He eats just fine....The impossible (or what seems impossible) is alllllwwwwayyyyysss possible!! Mind over matter Sarah!!! Mind over matter! You never know...what if it's up to you and that Doctor to get you where you would at least feel comfortable...1/2 the obstacle will be your diligence in being positive...which equals out to be a lot of work...but it's nothing you can't handle. Look how far you have come this far! You should be sooooooooo proud of yourself!!! If I could reflect what I see in you...You would be looking at your old pics!! Truly!! You got this!!!
yes Christine, I have seen his work...on myself. I look back at pictures before he began working on me and it's a miraculous difference. He is one of the best doctors in Oregon. So I do know that he can continue to make me better, but it's just at low times in my day and my life that I wonder if I'll ever be able to look the same, as he promises. The problem is, I'm a very bad healer in the sense that contractures form very bad on me. it is because of these horrible contractures and keloid scars that do things like limit my mobility in my arms and neck and pull my lip down. That is what I'm most afraid of, is that these contractures will always get the best of me and my healing and because of that, I will never look the same and will go through surgery after surgery for the rest of my life only to surrender to the contractures.
There is a great music group called Relient K. They are a christian rock group and they have some great lyrics. On their 'MMHMM' album there is a song called "Which To Bury, Us Or The Hatchet".
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I think you know what I'm getting at
I find it so upsetting that
the memories that you select you keep the bad but the good you just forget
and even though I'm angry I can still say
I know my heart will break the day
when you peel out and drive away
I can't believe this happened
And all this time I never thought
that all we had would be all for not
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far
Make your decision and don't you dare think twice
go with your instincts along with some bad advice
this didn't turn out the way I thought it would at all
you blame me but some of this is still your fault
I tried to move you, but you just wouldn't budge
I tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge
I think you know what I'm getting at
you said goodbye and I just don't want you regretting that
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
And wisdom always chooses
these black eyes and these bruises
over the heartache that they say
never completely goes away
(I just can't believe this happened
and one day we'll see this come around)
[x2]
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
No, I don't hate you
don't want to fight you
know I'll always love you
but right now I just don't like you
cause you took this too far
What happened to us
I heard that it's me we should blame
what happened to us
why didn't you stop me from turning out this way
and know that I don't hate you
and know that I don't want to fight you
and know that I'll always love you
but right now I just don't...
---
This post made me think of this song when you said that sometimes you hate God for what He did to you. If you can find it listen to it with the music. It's great!!
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