I'm so tired of being lonely. I want what my best friend has. I'm really jealous of her, but in a good way. She's got a really, really good guy that loves her and proposed to her finally. They are so good together and I want that too. But I can't even show my face to some of my friends so who is gonna want me? I'm like Frankenstein with all my scars. Who is gonna want that? Oh gosh, here comes the tears. I try to be tough but sometimes I just can't do it anymore. I'm so sick of being alone. So sick of crying over being alone and so tired of talking about it. I'm sure you all are tired of reading about it too. I'm sorry.
I'm tired of doing the same damn things everyday. I miss the life I once had. Life was never boring in New York. There was always a new Broadway show to see, a new concert to go to, a game to watch at a bar, a baseball or football game to go to, a street fair to go to, a parade to watch, shopping, picnic in the park, ice skating in the park, movies in the park and so much more I could go on and on. God, I mourn that life so much. I hate crying and here I am, a complete ball bag as I write this.
My last tie to New York is my driver's license and I'm going to lose that this week when I go in to get an Oregon driver's license. I need some kind of Oregon ID because I always have to have it when I go into surgery and my license is expiring in January anyway so my mom pursuaded me to get the OR license. So I'm kinda sad about that in a weird way. I can't even find half of my pictures I took while in New York and that really gets me. I'm losing New York.
What do I have anymore? I know I have my wonderful family and friends but what do I have for me? I can't run like I used to. I can't get out by myself. I can't drive. I don't really have any money. All I do everyday is color, cross stitch or read, or watch movies. I'm so sick of doing those same things everyday. I'm just so sick of everything. Why did God to this to me? Why? He ruined everything in my life! He's made me start over, which may be a good thing because he gave me good, true friends that I never had, but He took away the city I loved, He took away my physical attributes, He took away my ability to do some easy things in life because of my limited mobility.
I just don't know if I really have the fight in me some days. Today, I don't. I'm lonely and scared. And it's a beautiful day to go running and I can't.
4 comments:
Sarah, did you ever watch MASK; the true story of a young man whose disease disfigured face leaves him fighting a battle for a fulfilling life? (It stars Cher.) He thinks no one will ever romantically love him because of his disfigurement. He goes to a summer camp as a councilor, and meets a beautiful blind girl who falls in love with him for who he is!
I'm sharing this with you because God loves to do the impossible in our lives. Your love life may look impossible right now, but that is exactly when God delights in "surprising" us.
What's important is that you are attractive on the inside, and not afraid to reach out to others who need help. If Rocky (the main character of the movie) had stayed home because of his physical appearance instead of becoming a camp councilor he would never have met that young lady. If you hide away your entire life in a "safe" place you will miss out on the experience of reaching out to others in pain. And who knows what other wonderful experiences or people you'll miss out on.
I'll never forget the summers I spent as a camp councilor for disabled high schoolers. I learned so much, and appreciate my life so much more. My weeklong experiences with the blind were especially profound for me. And I'll never take my sight for granted!
Obviously, your health needs to improve, and you have a lot more healing to accomplish before you can do anything like this, but the opportunities will be there when you are physically and emotionally ready. There will always be someone worse off then you in this world. Always.
Give yourself to God. Allow HIM to work His magic in your love life.
Unable to sleep tonight. I knew you in High School and have been afraid to talk to you because back then you were too cool for even someone older than you. You may not have ever acted like you were but your presence always made me feel this way. Today I saw pics of you for the first time..and instead of being scared or afraid for you I felt at ease, I felt amazed. I think as we get older we can identify what beauty really is. It is whatever projects from the inside. I have always thought you to be a stunning person...so much I can't even really carry on a conversation with you and what's so funny is not much has changed!! I still feel the very same way. I can't sleep tonight because I've been thinking about you and all that has taken place for you. Sarah, I hope you know that God works in mysterious ways...Lord knows I'm not a religious person and sometimes I don't even believe what I'm telling you right now but I always find in the silver lining of the lesson why. For you Sarah you are set to inspire people...I wish you so much strength for your surgeries in hopes you will find you again. As for the rest of the world you haven't another soul you need to impress. With time someone will see you and fall in love with who you are. You have always been a beautiful person to me and you don't even really know me. I laid there awake tonight because something struck my mind and I couldn't shake the thought....In high school I knew there would come a day when I would tell you just how beautiful I've always thought you were. It's funny that it is now...when it means the most I'm sure...Don't worry I'm not into girls so this isn't a come-on by any means...but I just always knew you were an amazing person! Just thought I'd tell you so for what it's worth from almost a complete stranger.
I'm going to keep in touch from here on out because I'm really interested in how you fair. I wouldn't be surprised if you come out on top again someday.
Oh and I lived in Jersey for 4 years and know exactly how you feel about the East Coast and feeling as if it slips away...As you get older, sometimes I just feel time slips away...any memory really begins to fade and pieces of you no one can really understand unless they were there with you. I guess we're lucky to have lived it once!!
Always,
Christine Mino
Sarah,
I was in the class below you at LHS. We never formally met, but I remember thinking that you were very pretty, talented, and popular. I saw your pictures last night on facebook through a friends page. I was surprised to hear your story and was deeply touched when I read your blog.
I had a few thoughts that I'd like to share with you. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I believe that this life is a small part in our eternal perspective. In the millennium we are promised that we will be resurrected and that we will be restored to our perfect frame. Also, I had a thought of how one of the reasons we are on this earth is to be tried and tested and to become more like God, but we are promised that we will not be given more than we can bear.
I know what it feels like to suffer from the loss of a sibling and feel that I can relate to your sorrow in a small way. Through my experience I was able to gain more of an understanding of Gods love in my life. I learned that through the atonement, Jesus Christ took upon him the sins, pain, and suffering of the world so that he would be able to succor his people and would be a fair judge. I felt comfort knowing that the Savior understood how I felt. Soon after my brothers death I felt an outpouring of love from heaven. I know that we can receive comfort and peace for life's challenges through the spirit of God.
I recently watched a video clip on lds.org about a women who was in a plan crash and has expressed some of the same feeling that I have read from you. I have included the link below. I know that I don't know you very well, but I would be happy to help you in anyway that I can.
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?locale=0&vgnextoid=e419fb40e21cef00VgnVCM1000001f5e340aRCRD
I just realized that the link I gave you does not take you directly to the video I was recommending. It takes you to the right page but you have several video options to choose from. The video I was recommending is called "My new life".
I hope that your recovery process continues to go well. I will remember you in my prayers.
I wanted to tell you earlier that I feel like I have come to better understand God's character and his love for me through personal prayer, by reading of the Saviors life in the first part of the new testament in the Bible, and from ready the account of the Savior in the Book of Mormon "3rd Nephi".
Take Care,
Emily Gaertner
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