There have been a lot of things I have been thinking about for change in my life. I've been thinking about first and foremost the exercise I currently DON'T get in my daily life and what I could be doing. I used to be a work-out machine running 50 miles a week and curling 25 lbs on my bicep curls. I was doing some pretty heavy weight lifting but I wasn't going for that bulky muscle look which is why I was running around 50 plus/minus miles a week to stay lean but keep strong with the heavy weight lifting. I also wanted my heart to be cardiovascularly fit so not only did I run that many miles a week, I boxed and cycled. In addition to weightlifting to sculpt my body, I was heavy into yoga and Pilates. And then there was what I was eating - mega healthy meals and snacks. I was the perfect portrait of fitness and health. I continued with this heavy habit into my first year of New York and then I started to slip because I couldn't afford gym memberships anymore or the healthy foods I was eating. My flexible average weight of 98-102lbs got heavier and heavier and then my accident happened and my weight really hit the roof for me because they were tube feeding me 2500 calories a day PLUS what I was forced to eat in my three daily meals. Then I did nothing but lay in bed for about two months until I finally got out of bed and went for short 1mph walks around the halls of the burn center. Once I got home, the contractures in my neck and my arms got worse and worse so that going for a walk was a danger because if I fell I wouldn't be able to put my arms out to brace myself or lift my head up and I could really get hurt. So I started a sedentary life that has continued for 3.5 years to today. Then I would constantly be going into surgeries and then I'd be in heavy recovery and just when I thought I was ready to get active again, I'd be headed back into surgery. So this weight gain has not been good on my physically, particularly with my diabetes, but also emotionally. To have once worked so hard to be so fit at 98-102lbs and have it be replaced with blubbery fat is emotionally intense. This is one of my biggest changes and challenges I face with the coming of the new me, the new SB.
Something I don't think many of you may quite realize is I fight contractures and scar bands on a daily basis, every hour. Sine my last neck surgery I posted several times on Facebook about the progress I was making with my stretching and then you may or may not have noticed that I kinda quit posting about it. Well I did not quit posting about it because I wasn't stretching as much because I was, I just quit posting about it cause I figured you'd probably get bored reading them. But I fight the contractures and scar bands daily and hourly. And you know what's horrible? Even still laying down on the floor on two pillows and a half bolster, hanging my neck over the edge, contractures are forming. They're that aggressive in my body. And it's so frustrating cause I work so hard that it brings me to tears everyday that I can never win against them. Now with this surgery, I had 8 different releases so it going to be imperative everyday that I fight and fight and fight the contractures that will without a doubt want to form, particularly in my axilla and elbow areas. But there's a fine line I have to balance on and that fine line on which I balance is to stretch aggressively enough that I make progress but not stretch too aggressively to where I tear or rip the graft and I'm forced to quit stretching that joint. I have gone too far in stretching my axilla after it was released for the second time and I ripped underneath the axilla and I ripped it so bad that tissue was just falling out of it and we had to make an emergency drive down to Portland to see my doctor. But with the kind of gain and progress and success they had with this surgery, I refuse to lose the gain they made so I'm going to do intense physical therapy but walk that fine line with grace.
Then there is the subject of finding my faith again and healing emotionally and mentally. Now in this area, I have a long way to go with a lot of different things. So as I have said before in earlier blog posts, I know it is ultimately me who has to do the work, but it is often helpful to find a helping hand grab tight onto yours and help lift you up through the dark, muddy slope.
There is a lot I need to work on in myself and I'm going to need help here and there from the wonderful people who I am blessed to call my family and friends. Thank you for standing by me with all your friendship, and all your endless love and support.
"I have had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has me made what I am." ~John Arbuthnot Fisher
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