I am sitting here tonight thinking about my upcoming surgeries and I'm filled with anxiety. I went to the grocery store with my mom tonight after her work and on our way home, I was just staring out the window and suddenly just said, "I'm getting scared mama." My mom knew exactly what I was referring to because we've gone through this 30 times before, well maybe less since I went through 6 surgeries when I was in a coma so I guess I couldn't really be scared then, so all she had to say was, "I know," and she squeezed my hand.
I don't know why I get like this. Well, I guess I know some reasons why like my history with things either not going as planned or going wrong. And I simply hate being put to sleep cause I hate being put out so quick, so quick that I don't have anytime to really think about falling asleep. I hate feeling the sting of the anesthesia running through my veins and not having any time to really think cause I'm out in 5 seconds or less but in that 5 seconds somehow I manage to have time to get really scared. And the more surgeries I have the harder it is getting for me to wake up from the anesthesia so that worries me. And then I hate the waking up part and the first feeling of pain that hits. The best part of coming out of surgery, though, is getting to see my mom for the first time since I left her to go into surgery.
This is going to be a really hard surgery with everything that he's doing. He's doing a bunch of burn contracture releases on many different parts of my body such as my neck, my chest, and both my arms and elbow. Because he's doing so much at one time, I'm scared for the pain and I don't like the idea of being so helpless. I mean, my neck is going to be sensitive and sore, my arms are gonna be useless for awhile, and oh dear God, my chest, will definitely be the worst because you really have no idea how often you use those chest muscles, even for the smallest thing like pushing yourself into bed. And don't even get me started on the horrific pain from all the donor sites I'm going to have with all these releases and grafts he's doing.
So as time gets closer and closer I get more and more withdrawn and easy to burst out in frustration or irritability at the smallest thing. I'm just tired of the process of surgery. I'm so tired of the pain. I'm tired of fighting this battle. Cause even though this is huge forward progress, I still will have to battle the contractures once I'm healed enough to start in on physical therapy. And even with all the physical therapy I do, I still lose some of what we gained in the surgery. I hate my body. I'm tired of battling these contractures and these scar bands. It's never ending for me. And I'm getting really tired.
2 comments:
I hear you. I hear you. That's all I can think to say. And finally, of course, that I'm praying.
Thank you so much April. Thank you.
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