It really sucks. I have spent so much of this holiday season since Thanksgiving being unhappy, upset and angry. And today is no different. But it sucks simply because it is the holiday season. It's Christmas time!! I should be happy with holiday cheer. There's a couple things in particular that have made me those three horrible feelings:
First of all my right eye, along with the corner of my mouth, is pulling again when I turn my head. The surgery that was on my eye alone, #30, has helped when I'm looking at you straight on but it still pulled when I turned my head. So we progressed to surgeries #31 and #32 where along with several other areas, he did a release on the sides of my neck that released into my axillas as well. And after the surgery, when I turned my head, my eye was much better. It still pulled a little but not nearly as much. It felt much better. But my damn body....my eye has developed another contracture or strengthened one that was there already. And while we're at it, I might as well mention that my lip seems to be getting worse for some reason. I'm hard to understand because of my lip and this is gonna be embarrassing to say but I find I develop drool when I'm talking that can slip out. And not to mention but eating is hard, keeping things in my mouth to chew them. That's so embarrassing. Makes me sound like a fucking baby. But there it is. And I know, my lip is scheduled to get fixed here in the next couple months but who knows if it will work this time? I've had it worked on once before and boy did that turn out to be a disaster and then the second time technically it didn't get worked on because there wasn't enough skin in my tissue expander to reach it. So what's he got in mind this time? I'll find out on the 27th of this month when I have a follow-up appointment with him and to schedule to the surgery.
Another reason I'm upset, unhappy and angry is because I don't think I'm gonna make it to school this next fall for my Masters. I gotta take the GRE's and the deadline for most schools, pretty much all good schools, is the 15th and I haven't had enough time to study. The GRE's are like the SAT's but instead of trying to get into college, you're trying to get into Graduate School. I was really hoping to have something big to look forward to but I don't think it's gonna happen and that's just another year waiting for school. And Graduate Schools are different than Undergrad in that most Graduate Schools don't allow you to just start up any term, unless you're transferring. So I'm most likely gonna have to wait a whole 'nother year and I'll be a whole 'nother year older.
I just feel like my body will never agree with me and my future will never work out. I'm sick of things not working out. God, I feel like all I do is talk about how unhappy I am. Well, I'm sorry but I am so I've got to write about whatever is bothering me. When I find myself happy, I write about happy things. But right now I'm in an unhappy and angry place. I don't understand God's plan, if there is a God or some kind of higher power. With the way things AREN'T working out for me, I'd say he has no plan for me. I feel so forgotten.
1 comment:
Sarahbeth, I gotta tell you something I've been thinking about for a long time. The suffering that's been going on in your life (the fire, the physical, mental and emotional torment) is Satan's plan, not God's. This earth is Satan's domain until Jesus returns. Until that time Satan wants to reek as much havoc as possible, and put people in as much bondage as possible. Then Satan stands back watching and laughing as people become angry and bitter, blaming God.
Have you thought about the possibility that if God exists so does Satan!?! Have you thought about the idea that all your torment is Satan's plan to get you to curse God!?! In the Old Testament book by the same name Job comes to this exact conclusion during his terrible ordeal. I LOVE the way the book of Job ends! Satan is defeated completely because of Job's faith at the end of his trials. Job is NOT a make-believe story. The book of Job is based on a real person's life, and Satan's attempt to bring him to ruin with suffering.
You remind me sooooo much of Job! Job questioned God. Job begged God. Job screamed at God. But in the end Job came to understand who was really behind all his pain and suffering. In the end . . . well, I'll just say you've got to read the story of this man's life for yourself! You are just like Job and THAT'S A GOOD THING!!!
I've got an easy to understand version of Job called "The "Message" if you want it. It's much easier to understand, but if you'd rather "slug" your way through an older version that's good too. I just know you will totally relate to everything Job went through, felt, thought and at times yelled!
I love you and continue to pray daily for you! April
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