Not Feeling Alive

So, I'm getting sucked into that deep, dark hole again and it's odd because you wouldn't think I would be because usually when someone gets active physically, they usually pull out of that dark hole.  But I'm not.  I'm getting active with my treadmill by working out on it but still, nothing's changed, at least not mentally.  Perhaps it's because I'm not physically getting OUT of the house but still, you'd think the exercise I'm getting would help.  but it's not.

I always think, if I died, what song would I want to be sung at whatever kind of ceremony that was held for me (I would prefer a totally unconventional ceremony, but that's just me, I'm weird and different and well, unconventional) like the beautiful lyrics in the song "If I Die Young," by The Band Perry where they sing, "Send me away with words of a love song."  God, how wonderful is that?  I imagine my ashes being spread out in one of those three locations I chose awhile back in a blog that ended up with someone calling the cops on me and people that I love singing the words to one of my favorite beautiful songs.  God, what would I choose?  Seeing as how I'm a big fan of alternative rock, there's not much room in there for sweet love songs.  Plus we all know my favorite artist is Jack White and once again, not many songs to choose from that would be appropriate to scatter me to the winds to.  I guess I might say "We Are Going To Be Friends" might be kind of sweet and it would be easy for everyone to do a little sing-a-long to.  I'll have to think about it.  It may  have to be something other than Jack but I couldn't imagine any other way to be spread to the winds and into the oceans than with the words of Jack.  Well, I digress....

To live the kind of life that I'm living is hard.  It may not be as hard as many others, like paraplegics and quadriplegics but it's hard nonetheless for me.  I count my lucky stars that I was not burned in the 4th degree which usually ends up in amputation.  I almost did in my arms and that would have been devastating not to have arms.  I almost lost my breasts as well.  Sometimes I wish I had as you all know how I feel about that...I talked about it in one of my blog posts where I told you all something I had never told you before.  It might have been easier to fix them if they had just done a double mastectomy but my mother begged through tears to save them.  And with great skill, my doctor did.

But I think I've had enough time and lived through quite enough to know what life is really all about.  I just don't know if I have the strength to get me through the rest of my life.  You all think I'm so strong and I don't know where you see it cause I certainly don't feel it.  I had a friend text me something the other day that said this:

ALWAYS REMEMBER
YOU ARE BRAVER
THAN YOU BELIEVE
STRONGER THAN YOU SEEM
SMARTER THAN YOU THINK
AND TWICE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOU'D EVER IMAGINE

It was ultimately sweet of her as she knows I don't see any of that in myself but she's trying with all her heart to help me see it.  But will she make it in time?  I'm here for now.  But I certainly don't feel alive.  So why should I be?