Pursuing Happiness

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet."  ~James Openheim


"The Constitution only guarantees the American people the right to pursue happiness.  You have to catch it yourself."  ~Benjamin Franklin

I thought those two quotes were fitting for how I'm feeling.  To put it simply, I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.  I'm unhappy most of everyday and I can't get those days back to change them.  They're lost in the past and they were a waste.  I didn't do anything with them and I wasn't happy.  I think I have been the foolish man in that I seek happiness in the distance with thoughts of a grand future instead of what makes me happy right now, under my feet.  Benjamin Franklin, who is accredited with that quote but it is really actually unknown who said it, is also a wise man in that he put the word "pursue" in there.  Not that we the American people have the right to happiness without effort.  No.  But we have the right to "pursue" it and catch it ourselves.

Problem is, I don't know where to start to pursue this happiness that I seek.  I am such that foolish man in that so much of my happiness is stuck in a grand future I don't even know if I'll get to live one day.  I can't find the happiness in the now.  I don't even know if I know how to pursue happiness or if I did, could I catch it?  Or would I just be clumsy and have my eyes set somewhere else and let it slip through my fingers when it was right there to catch.  I feel like a deep sea fisherman in that I have the big fish, "happiness," on the hook and I'm trying to reel it in as hard as I can by doing things like seeking out schools for a Masters and doing surgeries to better my life but my rod just keep bending further and further because my happiness is just so hard to bring in.  And sometimes when I'm trying so hard to reel in that happiness out there in the future, it pulls so hard that it breaks off the hook and I'm left with a broken fish string as my happiness swims away.

I'm sitting here being unhappy as usual when I read online that there was another shooting at VA Tech.  How. Fucking. Sad.  And I'm not being sarcastic.  It's seriously fucking sad.  Just makes me more depressed about this world.  What reason is there for me to be in it when I'm unhappy all the time and my future is unknown so I don't even have that to look forward to and I'm unhappy at home and VA Tech has another shooting with two people dead.  Do I really inspire any of you?  Do I really make a difference in any of your lives?  I certainly don't make a difference in my own life right now.  When will I pull my head out of my ass and pursue that happiness that Benjamin Franklin speaks of instead of just sitting around being unhappy?  But what do I have to be happy about?  Yeah, yeah, I'm happy to be alive.  I am.  And I'm happy for the few friends I have and family.  but I'm so overwhelmed with being unhappy that can I find the strength to cast my fishing rod back out there and give it another chance.  Pursue it and catch it.  And  hold on to it for dear life.