My 2-year Anniversary

Today is the 2 year anniversaryof my accident and it is also St. Patrick's Day. You know, it really sucks that they are the same day because St. Paddy's day is supposed to be a real fun holiday and I have to be reminded of an accident that changed my life forever. So I'm having a hard time today thinking about what happened to me and why it had to happen to me.

This accident drastically changed my life and not for the better. I am disabled and scarred and have averaged a surgery a month for 2 years to reconstruct myself, totally 26 surgeries by March 29th when I am scheduled to have 6 more operations. This I hate. I hate surgeries. You'd think I'd be used to them by now and they'd be a breeze but I'm not and they're not. I mean, I'm used to the process of getting ready for surgery but when it comes down to being laid down on the table and being told to take "nice deep breaths" into the air that's put over my nose I never get used to. And particularly because they have a terrible time intubating me and have on a couple occassions had to do an emergency surgery on my neck or my mouth to get the tube down my throat. So I'm always so scared taking those deep breaths, never knowing exactly when I fall asleep and when I wake up if any complications occurred.

Also as a result of this accident, my inherited diabetes probability was realized sooner than I hoped. So now I am a diabetic and fighting the disease everyday. They believe it was trauma induced on top of it running strongly in my family. I am insulin dependent and I also take a pill for it on top of the shots.

I feel like a terrible burden to my parents everyday since they have to take care of me. I hate that feeling. I hate knowing that I AM. My poor mother does most of my care and I know it is taking a toll on her and has changed her life drastically. How this accident affected my family and how my injury(making me disabled) has affected my mother kills me inside. What they went through and continue to go through hurts me deeply and makes me feel so guilty. My mother has to work on top of taking care of me so she is exhausted everyday and it makes me feel like such a burden and just kills me emotionally.

I am an emotional wreck most everyday. I do have some good days but even on those good days I am hiding some kind of emotion underneath. I have so much guilt inside me that I feel like it's rotting my insides and is causing irrepairable damage.

The pain I go through everyday is another huge thing to deal with. There are times when the pain is so bad I break down in tears begging for it to stop. And right now I am dealing with a lot of pain with these new tissue expanders in the back of my shoulders.

So, tonight, two years ago, I almost met my maker. But for some reason I survived unbeatable odds. And for what reason I don't know but I feel it was for some reason. I have to believe it or I'll go crazy with anger for what the fire left me with. I am searching for the reason but I feel like I'm far from finding the answer. I know that I have met wonderful people who are now a part of my life that never would have been had this accident never happened. I know I appreciate the smallest of things in daily life that I took for granted before. But I want to know why I survived because the odds were completely against me. Why? Why did I beat the odds? But the question that kills me the most is why me? I guess you could say I'm looking for an answer to both those questions and I look for them everyday.

A friend told me to not be sad today but rather to celebrate this anniversary as the day that I LIVED. And she's right. But it's still tough when I took a shower today and could't do it on my own. And even tougher when my poor mother had to help me put my underwear and pants on.