The Battle Inside the Silent Chamber of My Soul

"The most important of life's battles is the one we fight daily in the silent chamber of the soul."  ~David McKay

That quote is one of the most perfect and relevant quotes to my life since my injury.  My fight on this journey is a daily fight in my soul, "the silent chamber" of my soul.  It's my own self, my own soul that I am in a constant battle with.  A daily battle.  A daily fight.  And unfortunately there are more days that I lose that fight, that battle.  But so far I haven't lost so badly that the battle has taken my life with it.  Somehow I'm still here.

It is so tiring fighting inside your own self, your own soul everyday.  Some days I'm literally physically exhausted from the battle inside myself.  On those days where I've given it all I've got to not lose completely, all I can do is slip away to bed and escape to the dreams in my sleep where I rest as best I can only to get up and start the fight again.  Starting the fight for me, happens as soon as I wake up.  And I fight all day long.  It's not like a team game where I can rotate myself out and let someone else fight for awhile.  I'm the only team player who can really fight this battle.  I have my friends and family, of course, who help with the battle but there's only so much they can do.  They can't rotate into the game and replace me for awhile.  That maneuver is illegal in this battle.  All my friends and family can really do is play the role of coaches, assistant coaches, fans/supporters and even the waterboys/girls.  Ultimately, it's up to me to fight this battle and so far, I have lost everyday because throughout most of the day I'm unhappy or angry or frustrated and by the end of the day when I go to bed, I often wish there was anyway I could stay in a good dream forever and never wake up again cause I'm too tired to wake up the next morning and start the fight all over again.

I fight many things in my battle of recovery and survival and transformation like failed or successful surgeries and then the recovery that comes afterwards.  I fight the limitations in my mobility.  I fight the limitations in my activity level cause I get tired fast.  But the biggest battle I fight is inside my soul.  The fight to accept what happened to me, to accept my injury, my new body and the scars that come with it now, the possible losses in my life that I think about everyday and the fight with my mind on how I see myself.  It is hard enough to fight those outside battles like the surgeries and recovery, but the battle inside the silent chamber of my soul is a fight like nothing I have ever had to fight before and it will be the biggest fight I will face in my entire life.  And it wins everyday but so far it hasn't won enough to take me from this world.  I have thus far been able to keep that fight in me and I pray to the Universe that I will always be able to have that fight to stay alive and not lose that ultimate battle.  That someday I will rise from the ashes like the beautiful mystical bird, the Phoenix, and learn acceptance not only of my injury but acceptance of myself as I am now.