During one of the workshops I attended, this question was posed: "How do we get through this moment? This hour?" We were having a discussion about how when we're having a hard, frustrating or upsetting day, how do we get through it? How do we get through that moment and even that hour where you're crying and crying or you want to punch the mirror cause what you see is not what you used to be? The hours in a day can be long so how do we get through those moments or through that hour where we're crying, angry or frustrated beyond any kind of consolation?
Well, I can't tell you cause I'm still trying to figure out how to get through my days and through the moments where I just sob and sob or am so frustrated or angry. I do get help from family and my dearest friends. But often I'm having moments where I'm beyond any kind of consolation like my family and friends trying to make me laugh or getting me out to try and get my mind off the feelings or thoughts that I'm drowning in or telling me where I used to be and how far I've come. So, depending on how long I've been feeling the way I am, I either succumb to it and sob or punch something or scream but usually it's curling up in a ball on my bed and sobbing for hours and then after I've succumbed to those feelings for however long, I get numb. I just get numb. I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not angry or frustrated. I am just without any feelings. I find no joy in anything I do and I don't even find any sadness, even when looking into a mirror in passing. I feel nothing. I have no fight inside me. And I can stay that way for a couple days before something triggers a strong emotion inside me and I succumb again. It's a cycle I go through. It's like when I succumb to the feelings I'm experiencing, I am on my knees (metaphorically) begging for a second chance, a different life and after however long that lasts, my tears, anger and frustration dry up like a dried up well and the numbness sets in. I experience these emotions so strongly that when they dry up, they dry up to the point where I can't feel anything cause I've used up all the emotions with all the strength I have. And it takes a couple days for those emotions to build back up and when they do, I repeat the cycle.
There is sometimes a day or two where the sun shines through the storm clouds of my emotions and the kind of life I'm living where I really am happy. I really feel happiness and I smile and laugh and return to myself before the burn. But even then, there is never a continuous emotion of happiness I feel. Every once in awhile those storm clouds pass underneath the sun and I remember my scars, my different body, a face I don't recognize, and the things I've been through. And those moments happen when I can't reach something, I'm trying to dress myself and I just can't do it, I'm taking a shower and my mother is there with me to help me, or it's a beautiful day and I want to strap on my running shoes and go for a run like I used to do. But those storm clouds soon pass and the sun shines again and I feel that happiness once again. But these times are few and far between. That sun that shines happiness down on me often happens when I'm with friends or things are good in my family or I just simply feel the warmth of that sun, that special sun and I am just happy.
So how do I get through those moments where I want to succumb to the horrible emotions I'm feeling that I don't want to feel? I don't want to curl up in a ball on my bed and sob. I hate the feeling of being sad, frustrated, irritated or angry. They're terrible feelings that take over inside of me that feel like some kind of flu. Then I get even more angry and frustrated because I hate the feeling of feeling angry and frustrated and I can't let them go. I want to just vomit those horrible feelings so I can rid myself of them and feel better, much like vomiting with a flu bug - you feel so much better afterwards. Sorry if that was disgusting but it's the best way I can describe it.
I learned a lot of different things in answer to the question posed at WBC but I am in the position of not being able to accept my injury and thus it makes it harder for me to use those tools I learned and listened to on how to get through those moments, that day, that hour. It was clear that those people who have been able to accept their injury or the injury of their loved one, are better equipped to get through those moments where you become overwhelmed with negative emotions. I don't know how to accept my injury yet and I don't know if I ever will be able to. But I do hope that despite not being able to learn acceptance yet, I will learn those tools and wear that tool belt around my waist so that when those negative emotions overwhelm me or come at me with force, I have those tools at the ready.
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