Owning My Story

"Owning our own story can be hard, but not as difficult as spending our lives running from it.  Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.  Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light."  ~Brene Brown


There were many things during the closing ceremonies (as well as all the workshops we attended) that really struck a chord with me and that was, "Owning our own story is hard, but not as hard as running from it."  So I looked that quote up and what I found is the quote at the top by Brene Brown.  Now it didn't strike a chord with me because of the latter part.  I don't run from my story.  My story is out there, I write about it many times monthly.  But the "owning" part, owning my own story and not giving up on love and belonging and joy.

It's hard to own a story like mine, not to mention how hard it must also be for all the other burn survivors I met while at the WBC.  I still can't accept what happened to me so how can I possibly "own" my story?  It's like I want to give it to someone else despite how bad that sounds.  Any good person wouldn't ever want to give it to someone else cause that would be cruel.  And as I write this tears have begun diving off my bottom lid to swim down my cheek, because I don't want to be cruel and give such a horrific thing to someone else, but yet, I do.  I don't want it and I don't know if I'll ever have the true strength of courage to own it as long as I can't accept it.  I think those two things go hand in hand, like a pair of hands in love that find each other naturally to hold.

Also at the closing ceremony, the same speaker talked about courage, the definition of courage which is: "the ability to face danger, difficulty, uncertainty, or pain without being overcome by fear or being deflected from a chosen course of action."  When I read that dictionary definition of courage, I don't have it when all along I tried and tried to believe that maybe I did because my friends and followers would tell me I was.  But I'm not.  The key phrase being "without being overcome by fear."  I can't possibly have courage during this journey when I am filled with fear about so many things EVERYDAY.  I'm not courageous.  I'm not brave.  I am filled with fear for my future and all that goes with a future including a career, finding the love of your life, a marriage, a family of your own, loving your life.  I also become fearful during surgeries despite how brave I may appear.  I am fearful that something will go wrong or they weren't able to quite do what they intended to do as so many times that happens.  I'm not fearful of the surgery prep and heading into the surgery room but when I feel that anesthesia hit my veins I suddenly become fearful cause there's no turning back and in about 6 seconds I'm going to be out and the first words I say when I wake up is, "How did everything go?  Did anything go wrong?"  And so many times the answer to that last question is, yes.

But I can tell you that while at the WBC, I met so many people who had the definition of courage and I admired them.  So strongly admired them, with all my soul.  These people who possessed the courage I so strongly wish I had definitely "own" their story and don't run from it.  They own it with all their strength and with their courage they say, "this is who I am.  I may be a burn survivor, but I am no different on the inside.  So don't treat me any different."  What amazing people I met who were able to own their story, not run from it, and have the kind of courage I so desperately wish I had.  Bravo to all you burn survivors who are able to do that and who have such strength and courage to be who you are despite the burn.  Bravo.  I look up to you and I wish I had the kind of courage the dictionary presents to us, but even more so, I wish I had the courage that you all do.  I wish I could accept and own my story and still believe in love and joy for myself.  But I just can't.  I can't forgive myself for putting my family and friends through what happened.  And I don't think I ever will.