Cycle of Life is Backwards - I'm Back for a Short While

So, here I am again every body.  I am posting again.  But I don't know how long it will last.  I am still undecided as to what I'm going to do with my blog whether I'm going to make to "invited readers only" or delete it alltogether. But the whole point of making my blog public was for people to find it, read it, be inspired by the real words that I wrote because they are in some kind of situation like I am, find it thought provoking, real and true and I met a lot of people through it and became good friends with them who then became great supporters and visa versa.  If it hadn't been public, that would have never happened.  In fact, one of my top five friends right now, Mike Leventhal, is just one of those people who stumbled upon my blog and we talk everyday, mostly about Jack White cause we both share a passion and love for him :)  But we also talk about other things and he's always checking in on me, seeing how I'm doing.  Many of my friends do that, I'm just using Mike as example cause he found me through my blog.

But I wanted to talk a little bit.  After that incident after my last blog post, I went off the grid for awhile, I stayed away from Facebook, I closed off my blog and hid away in my room cause it only caused worse problems in my home which I did not need.  This person, though I am grateful they cared so much to call, obviously didn't know me so well and didn't think about something and that something was they called late at night!  So if I was going to commit suicide, that post was done in the afternoon so I probably would have done it by then and then when they called, my parents were HOME WITH ME!!!  So, if there was something wrong, the police would have already been called by my own parents.  So that pisses me off a little.  ONCE AGAIN, DON'T GET ME WRONG, I APPRECIATE THE CARE THIS PERSON SHOWED.  They just didn't think.  That last post I understand would worry a lot of people.  It was quite graphic in describing my own suicide, but that was not the intention if you REALLY read inbetween the lines of that post.  It was really a beautiful post about a beautiful fantasy that I have for myself.  And I guess maybe even somewhat of a beautiful fantasy about my own death, IF IT WERE TO COME TO THAT.  DO NOT MISREAD THAT!  I just happened to be a little real and graphic about details of my suicide and maybe I shouldn't have but I don't sensor myself here.  I just write.  I am real in person and thus I am real in my writing.  This is a sacred place for me to vent or talk about death if I need to.  So I'm sorry to that person who I worried so much that they felt they needed to call the police and I'm sorry to everyone that I may have worried above and beyond. But you must understand, if I'm writing and answering messages, I'm still here.  Maybe not great emotionally or physically, but I'm still here and as long as I'm writing, I'm not doing anything drastic.  It's when you haven't heard from me either from a blog post, or Facebook, or telephone messages (calls or text) that you REALLY should start worrying.  Cause that's when I pull back and could be in dangerous waters.  There are still times when I'm in dangerous waters even when I'm writing or on Facebook but only dipping my toe in, I'm not quite ankles deep.  And if you REALLY haven't heard from me, I'm neck deep and some of you may already have heard from my suicide note  DO NOT MISREAD THAT!!!!!!

I have also chosen not to talk about my health on Facebook because of what happened.  And I'm not really gonna talk about it now either.  All I'm gonna say is there are some things going on.  I'm under abnormal stress, extreme emotional problems and some newly developed physical ailments that we are doing tests on.  So I'm not doing well emotionally or physically.

On another note, I can't believe my father and I will be leaving for World Burn Congress, my first, in 14 days.  Two weeks.  Crazy.  I've never been to one but I know a lot of people that have gone to them and say they're life changing so we'll so how it sits with me :)  I mean, I'm sure it will be life changing at the moment but will it stick with me afterwords?  I got a full scholarship to attend so that's really exciting.  Don't have to pay for anything.  Another special thing about this trip is a very special tattoo artist to many big whigs as well as to myself, but for another reason, has his private tattoo studio right there in Cincinnati, where the WBC is this year.  If you don't know already, I'm talking about Kore Flatmo who did the woodburning artwork on the back of Jack White's "lady" guitars like the famous "Rita" for Rita Hayworth and also the famous but lesser so, "Claudette" after Claudette Colbert and his latest, "Veronica" after Veronica Lake.  They are beautiful and brilliant.  I emailed him and told him about myself and my love for Jack but never heard back.  Then my so very dear friend Jessa also emailed the studio and she heard back from them finally!  Well, turns out I mistyped the email address.  So they said that Kore is completely booked up till December but is open to squeezing me in during those September dates to do a tattoo for me because of my story and my love for Jack, they want it to be special for me.  I'M SO FREAKIN' EXCITED!!!   Only thing that will get in my way is Garrett, my reconstructive surgeon.  I'm still waiting to hear what he has to say.  But this would mean so much to me. OMG.  To have my first tattoo, my first Jack White tattoo done by the same guy that did Jack's famous "lady" guitars...oh, I can't describe the excitement.  Not to mention being able to reclaim a small part of my body (for right now) from what the fire took from me.

So in ending, I don't know yet what I'm going to do with my blog - make it to invited readers only, keep it public, or delete it all together.  If I make it to invited readers only, I will announce it and you will have to give me the email address YOU USED TO BECOME A FOLLOWER (if you are a follower) cause you will have to use that to sign in.  I will keep this post open to the public for a few days, maybe till the weekend and then I will close it off again.  Let me know your thoughts by either here in a comment, Facebook, or my phone.  Things have been abnormally tough for me lately.  Abnormally tough.


"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.  I mean, life is tough.  It takes up a lot of your time.  What do you get at the end of it?  A Death!  What's that, a bonus?  I think the cycle is all backwards.  You should die first, get it out of the way.  Then you live in an old age home.  You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You do drugs, alcohol, party, you get ready for high school.  You go to a grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend the last nine months floating....and you finish off as an orgasm."  ~George Carlin


And article RE: Jack White's "lady" or "girlfriend" guitars and what they look like:
http://www.feelnumb.com/?p=4391