"There are certain things that attach to you that you can never wash off." ~Matthew Gray Gubler on Criminal Minds
I think grief is something that has attached to me that I'll never be able to wash off. And this isn't just your normal grief that I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is a grief so deep and complex it cuts into your heart and torments your soul. It comes to me in waves and takes residence for days, sometimes weeks. And then it leaves for awhile until it returns again but even when it's not taking up residence in my heart, soul and mind I can never fully wash it away. It always finds it way back into my life to torment and twist me again.
My grief works like an umbrella covering the everything that I have lost (and gained) because of the accident such as the loss of my way of life, the loss of a physical beauty, the loss of independence, the loss of mobility, the loss of a dream future, the loss of happiness and smiles and laughter. And then there are the things I gained because of the accident like a body covered in scars, dependence, anxiety, tormenting grief and deep, dark depressions.
I don't know how many more years I'll make it to but I do know that this grief will never truly wash off. I may find a snippet of happiness here and there but this grief is so deep and complex that it will always be there, even if only just a little bit. Sooner or later it will manifest itself into full, robust form and send me spiraling downward into darkness like Alice down the rabbit hole.
This whole experience of the accident is something I'll never be able to wash off.
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