"There is no greater sorrow than to recall happiness in times of misery." ~Dante Alighieri
This was the end quote on a new episode of Criminal Minds last night, which was utterly wicked btw, and I found it to be so deeply true. I know it's true in my life. I do it all the time to myself. I've blogged about it many times - talking about times of happiness when I'm in a miserable state.
Last night's episode not only brought that quote to the round table for discussion but also something else. I have talked about how I feel I have let my mom and dad down with things that have happened in my life including my accident but I've never really talked about someone else that I feel I have let down - myself. One of the biggest discussions in my therapy is my feelings of guilt, mostly just with my parents but we've never discussed my feelings of guilt towards my own self which I find odd now. Because I do feel like I've also let myself down. I do also feel guilty to myself over things that have happened in the past. I feel like there's so much more I could have done with my life, that I was headed to do great big things with my life before my accident derailed me.
I'm coming up on 30 and I look back on the past four years since my accident and think, what have I done? Nothing. I've lived in my parents home where I've been taken care of and have had 32 surgeries. But what opportunities have I had to do more? None. I have almost constantly been in surgery/recovery mode for the past four years so does that excuse me? I just feel like I have barely lived these past four years and now suddenly I'm entering my 30's and it's like it snuck up on me before I could do something with my life. I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that turning 30 is still young and I still have time to do something wonderful with my life but I just feel like the past decade has been a waste. What really gets me is New York. I really could have done more with my time in New York. But I feel like the past two years spent there were wasted as well. What am I doing to my life? This is a decade I promise myself I'm not going to waste away like the last.
1 comment:
Nothing you have done has been a waste; it's all leading up to something huge. You are going to do phenomenal things with your life, SB. There are so many people behind you who have faith in you and your deep, inner strength. I see you as being a professor, a published writer and a speaker - there are many ways you can (and will) make an impact on this world. Look at the impact you've made with just your blog! Look beyond these past 10 years and see it as something you've learned from and how you can use it toward your future.
Love you,
Erin (Your Toe Twin)
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