Sunday, January 9, 2011

Finding Your Own Wind

I know I haven't blogged in quite some time. Over a month actually. And I must explain why. So here it is: I have been having troubles lately with my life. I have just been so SO unhappy! And it's ALL THE TIME. There are spells where I sleep for days and can't get myself out of bed. Days where I just cry and cry. Why can't I be happy? Oh yeah, I'm a burn survivor and an accident nearly 3 years ago now has ruined my life. The big question is how do I fix my unhappiness?

I was watching a movie last night with my parents. The movie is called "Wind." It's about sailboat racing and The America's Cup. Anyway, the main character, Matthew Modine, is talking to another character in a scene about finding your own wind. I was quite drawn to that particular speech because I do need to find my own wind in this world. Everyone does. He says the trick is to not let the other boats smother or steal your wind from you. What I'm doing is letting the accident steal my wind from me and I've got to stop. Problem is, I don't know how to stop it, how to find my own wind. I so admire those people that can get up every morning and carry on with their day and be happy, let that wind of theirs catch in their sails and not let anyone smother it or steal it from them. It's beautiful and amazing.

I feel like my wind has been smothered and stolen by my accident. That I will never be an actress again. Is it over for me? Has that wind been smothered and stolen by the fire? Let me give you an example of what I fight. I had to get a new passport picture the other day to renew my passport before it expires. And just looking at the picture, oh God, I'm so UGLY! So disfigured. The picture practically brought out every unsightly feature the burn left me with. I wanted to cry right there. Looking at that picture, it's almost a done deal that my acting career is over. I can't ever go in front of a camera again. I think I know that now, despite what my manager constantly reassures me of. My wind has been smothered. Stolen. Can you imagine your despair if your dream since you were so very small had been stolen by a freak accident and you were never able to get it back? My dream that I was destined for, MY WIND! SMOTHERED in a matter of minutes.

So how do I go on? This is why I've been so unhappy lately. I wake up every morning to look forward to what? Another surgery? Another day spent hiding out in the house cause I'm too embarrassed for anyone to lay eyes on me? Another day of crying? I know what you're all going to say, I've got to find a new wind. But I can't. I can't move on. I can't stop crying over my smothered and stolen wind. I can't stop thinking about everyone else's seemingly perfect and happy lives. No accident to smother and steal their wind.

I know, there are many people and families out there whose lives have also been broken by an accident. I know I'm not the only one. So I admit, I may be dwelling in some self pity. but can you blame me? I WAS BURNED BY FIRE!!! I WAS ALMOST KILLED! My career dreams gone in a blaze of fire that consumed me, burned my flesh. Is it really over? Or is there some small chance that that wind will come around again and find me? Or does thinking that just make me delusional? I don't know anymore. But I do know this. Do find your own wind and do your best to protect it from being smothered or stolen. Protect that precious wind and let it catch in the sails of your life.