Sunday, March 28, 2010

I asked God

A friend emailed me this from an unknown author and I wanted to share it with you because I really like it and a couple questions are questions that I have had for God and I find the answers frustrating, but raw and true.

I asked God

I asked God to take away my pain. God said, No. It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said, No. His spirit is whole, his body is only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No. Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No. I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No. Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked God for all things that I might enjoy life. God said, No. I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others as much as He loves me. God said..............Ahhh, finally! you have the idea.

I asked God to send me his friends...He sent you.

Thank you Emily for sharing this with me so I could share it with all my followers and hopefully shed some light on the kind of questions that I ask God everyday; like take away my pain, take away my suffering and help my spirit grow, give me patience, and these answers are not what I imagined. I like them. They somehow make me feel closer to God, and, as many of you know, I am having trouble with that.

Report on My Post-Worship Prayer Service

I have to say my post-worship prayer service went amazing. It made me cry, for many reasons. One, it was just so moving, and two, I was surrounded by people who chose to be there, people who were my closest, dearest friends and close members of the church.

What happened was everyone put their hands on me and Clay said a prayer, then a moment of silence where anyone could say anything if they felt it and a couple people did. Then Clay said a few more words and then anointed me on the forehead with real holy oil from the holy land. It was amazing. I was so touched that tears were just pouring onto my sweatshirt as my head was bowed during the prayers. I even had a dear friend who goes to another church and happened to read my blog about what was happening this morning and put her clothes back on and headed out to our church to be there for me. Thank you Jamie. but thank you to EVERYONE who was there. It truly touched my heart and my soul and in that moment with you guys, I felt God's presence for the first time since my accident.

I am so lucky to be a part of the La Grande Methodist Church and particularly to be close friends with my pastor cause he truly rocks...and so does his rockin' wife :) But all the members there are rockstars, as Clay would say. Thank you for your prayers every Sunday, even when I'm not there. How lucky am I to have such a support system.

A Post-Worship Prayer For Me

Well, it is the morning of the day that we leave for Portland and we have decided to go to church this morning before we leave. I felt that I needed to try and feel God's presence before we leave.

Last night I asked my pastor, Clay, if he would write down a prayer or a scripture that my mother and I could read together tonight, before I go to bed, to help me, once again, feel God's presence and put me at ease so I can get a good night's rest before I have to get up so very early to go to the hospital (I have to BE THERE AT 6am for a surgery at 8am). And I talked to Clay just now, this morning, through Facebook chat and what he wants to do is gather some people after worship and after everyone's gone down to the potluck for a small prayer together for me. When he said his idea I just wanted to cry. That is such a wonderful thing to think of and do for me. All he had to do was just write down a prayer but instead he's going MANY steps further in gathering people together for a post-worship prayer. How lucky I feel that I have him not only as my pastor, but as my friend, one of my dearest friends at that. And how lucky I am that I have a church filled with people who will be there at that prayer for me because they care that much about me. I will be curious to see who will be there to pray for me and how many. I'm not asking for a lot, just a few would be nice enough.

People tell me all the time that there was a reason for my accident but I can't figure out that reason. But one of those people who have said that to me also said that "God only puts you through things he knows you can handle." I don't know if she's right or not because there have been a lot of people in this world who have killed themselves because they couldn't handle something that happened to them. But I know I will not resort to that. I know I can handle this so it is true in my case. But what about the others? I'm handling it, but sometimes not very well because I just don't understand why this had to happen to me. It destroyed my life. However, another friend of mine, also a pastor, told me that it didn't destroy my life, it changed it and I must see it that way. But how can I see it that way when I can't even lay down on a bed and prop up my head with my hands? Something so simple as that, I cannot do anymore. I know that seems random but I bring it up because while my mother was putting on her make-up the other morning, I tried to lay down on her bed on my stomach and put my elbows on the bed and prop my head up with my hands and I couldn't do it. And I never will be able to. So it's so hard for me see it as "changed" rather than "destroyed" when I can't do things I used to be able to do, or that other people can do.

But I'm trying to see my accident differently through the help of my pastor, Clay, and as of most recent also the help of another pastor/friend I went to college with. It's just so hard and I try so hard to keep it together. My biggest problem is my faith in God and questioning Him now because of what happened. This accident is truly testing my faith in a big way and I'm not sure what I believe in anymore.

Well, I best get off of here and get ready for church and get ready to go. I will write more tonight to let you know how the prayer went.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Anxiety Over a Repeat of Last Surgery

I'm having a lot of anxiety concerning these surgeries coming up because I don't want a repeat of what happened in my last surgeries. They have ALWAYS had a problem intubating me but last time was a major complication when they thought they could make a small fix and it turned out to be a real major complication. And I'm having a lot of anxiety that I'm going to wake up to another complication and the rest of my operations will have been canceled due to it and I'll be back in the hospital due to intubation and neck complications.

My chest area and neck were burned the worst so the contractions in my neck always make intubation a difficult thing. I'm always so scared when they put the air over my nose and mouth and tell me to "take nice deep breaths" cause I hate not knowing the moment when I fall asleep and even more not knowing if I'm going to wake up to a complication. I'm so scared. I try to be strong but it is really hard some days. Some days I just want to give up, but I know I can't. I can't for my family and for my friends. But deep down, my soul is sobbing and breaking down.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Best Friend Running Half Marathon In My Honor

I met my lifelong best friend 22 years ago in the first grade and I can still remember to this day how we met. We were on the gymanstic bars and I was doing moves to try to impress her and strike up a conversation. I know, dorky right? Well, the rest is history. But we lost contact for a long time after high school but then she came to my aid when she found out about my accident and we reunited and have continued to stay in close contact ever since.

The reason why I am writing about her is not only is she a beautiful human being and one of my best friends (my first friend as well), but she is running a half marathon tomorrow in my honor. And apparently she made up some t-shirt for it. She promised me pics so I could see what she did. But how amazing is that? It may not seem like much to some people, but it's a huge deal for me and I love her so much and I feel so very, very honored.

So thank you Corrie, for thinking to do this for me. What a self-less thing to do and how precious to me. She is one of those true, real friends I have talked about in a previous blog and I am so lucky to have her in my life. I love you Corrie. I love you dearly and with all my heart.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My 2-year Anniversary

Today is the 2 year anniversaryof my accident and it is also St. Patrick's Day. You know, it really sucks that they are the same day because St. Paddy's day is supposed to be a real fun holiday and I have to be reminded of an accident that changed my life forever. So I'm having a hard time today thinking about what happened to me and why it had to happen to me.

This accident drastically changed my life and not for the better. I am disabled and scarred and have averaged a surgery a month for 2 years to reconstruct myself, totally 26 surgeries by March 29th when I am scheduled to have 6 more operations. This I hate. I hate surgeries. You'd think I'd be used to them by now and they'd be a breeze but I'm not and they're not. I mean, I'm used to the process of getting ready for surgery but when it comes down to being laid down on the table and being told to take "nice deep breaths" into the air that's put over my nose I never get used to. And particularly because they have a terrible time intubating me and have on a couple occassions had to do an emergency surgery on my neck or my mouth to get the tube down my throat. So I'm always so scared taking those deep breaths, never knowing exactly when I fall asleep and when I wake up if any complications occurred.

Also as a result of this accident, my inherited diabetes probability was realized sooner than I hoped. So now I am a diabetic and fighting the disease everyday. They believe it was trauma induced on top of it running strongly in my family. I am insulin dependent and I also take a pill for it on top of the shots.

I feel like a terrible burden to my parents everyday since they have to take care of me. I hate that feeling. I hate knowing that I AM. My poor mother does most of my care and I know it is taking a toll on her and has changed her life drastically. How this accident affected my family and how my injury(making me disabled) has affected my mother kills me inside. What they went through and continue to go through hurts me deeply and makes me feel so guilty. My mother has to work on top of taking care of me so she is exhausted everyday and it makes me feel like such a burden and just kills me emotionally.

I am an emotional wreck most everyday. I do have some good days but even on those good days I am hiding some kind of emotion underneath. I have so much guilt inside me that I feel like it's rotting my insides and is causing irrepairable damage.

The pain I go through everyday is another huge thing to deal with. There are times when the pain is so bad I break down in tears begging for it to stop. And right now I am dealing with a lot of pain with these new tissue expanders in the back of my shoulders.

So, tonight, two years ago, I almost met my maker. But for some reason I survived unbeatable odds. And for what reason I don't know but I feel it was for some reason. I have to believe it or I'll go crazy with anger for what the fire left me with. I am searching for the reason but I feel like I'm far from finding the answer. I know that I have met wonderful people who are now a part of my life that never would have been had this accident never happened. I know I appreciate the smallest of things in daily life that I took for granted before. But I want to know why I survived because the odds were completely against me. Why? Why did I beat the odds? But the question that kills me the most is why me? I guess you could say I'm looking for an answer to both those questions and I look for them everyday.

A friend told me to not be sad today but rather to celebrate this anniversary as the day that I LIVED. And she's right. But it's still tough when I took a shower today and could't do it on my own. And even tougher when my poor mother had to help me put my underwear and pants on.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Problems with My Diabetes

I am having problems with my diabetes. I am fighting the 200's daily and that's not good for many reasons. For those of you not familiar with healthy glucose levels it is anywhere from 80-120. My fasting sugar levels are in the 200's and that's terribly not good because if that is the case the morning of my surgeries, they will be canceled and I will be devastated. This has happened to me once before and it was horrible. These upcoming surgeries are very important because they will give me greater mobility in my arms. This could lead to some more independence like taking a shower by myself for once or reaching up to get a glass out of the cupboard without any help. Oh, to wash my own hair would truly be an amazing feeling that I don't know if I'll be able to describe. But none of this will happen if I don't get my diabetes under control. We think an increase in a certain medication may be at fault cause I'm not eating so badly that it would be as high as it is lately.

I hate having diabetes. I prayed and prayed that it would never happen to me after it hit my brother so badly and almost killed him and here I am, a diabetic. They think it was trauma induced with the help of my high hereditary chances of getting it. I am insulin dependent and have to take a pill on top of it too. Looks like that prayer was ignored.

So please for those of you reading this and believe in the power of prayer, if you could please pray for my diabetes to get under control for surgery. I would truly be forever in your debt.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

My Irish boy Colin

I am sitting here searching the web hoping to earn some swagbucks and i'm listening to my itunes. Oasis comes on and I immediately break down. My first year in New York one of my bar spouses and best friend took me to an Oasis concert. He's Irish and I love them Irish men :) But we were kind of a combination of dating and best friends. Anyway, we worked in the theater district so he had regulars that would hook him up with tickets to whatever he wanted. So the one time he took me out was to an Oasis concert cause he knew I loved Oasis and he got us box seats to the concert! It was such a special night. We had a blast. He was like that though, always taking me somewhere or doing something with me that I had been wanting to do. He did it several times. There was another time he knew how much I love Billy Joel so he got hooked up with front row tickets to Billy Joel's musical, "Movin' Out." He also took me to my first baseball game at the Yankee Stadium where he rooted on the yankees and I rooted on the Mariners, drank beer and I zoomed in on Rodriguez's butt on my camera :) LOL. We had some very special special times together and I miss my Irish boy Colin. I miss you Colin. I miss you New York.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Surgeries #20-26

I just had another doctor appointment yesterday for another expansion so I'm in a lot of pain but I thought I'd take a moment to update you on what's going on.

My next surgery is March 29th, 2010, and I am having about 6 operations done. They are going to release both my shoulders, my left elbow, regraft my mouth (where it didn't take), release my breasts and work on reconstructing them, and lastly, liposuction my thighs and use that skin for all those releases.

I will be in the hospital for aobut 9-10 days and i'm gonna be hurtin for certain, like always i guess. but I'm gonna really be laid up with both my shoulders done. I'm gonna be relying on the nurses a lot. I'm really excited they're going to work on my breasts cause they are very scarred and don't hang like normal breasts due to the scar bands. Because of that I haven't felt like a woman in a long time. I haven't worn a bra in 2 years because the scar bands hold them down so tightly I don't need one and two, they don't fit right.

I am also excited to get my shoulders released because maybe now I will be able to shower myself! This will be a big feat for me. Maybe even reach something out of the cupboard and put my underwear and pants on myself! This is going to be major surgeries because they mean greater mobility.

I am however, very very scared about the intebation process. I don't know what they'll do if they can't get me intebated again and a repeat of my last surgery happens. I dont know where they'll get the skin. They've never been able to intebate me easily but this last time was really bad and I'm scared it's gonna happen again. I'm so very scared.

I have another appointment next week for another expansion. The surgery that these expansions are preparing for will probably happen a month or so later than these scheduled surgeries. So that's the news.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I Took a Walk Alone

Yesterday I did a major thing. I did something all by myself. I went for a walk alone...well, my dog was with me but other than that, all by myself. You're probably thinking, "what's the big deal about that?" The big deal is I don't do anything by myself. Nothing. I am assisted with everything I do, except go to the bathroom. So to set out on this walk by myself was a big deal.

While I was on my walk I thought about a lot of things. I first thought about being on my own again cause going on this walk by myself made me feel like I was on my own again and I could take care of myself. But I also thought about God and about a prayer we said in church last Sunday. it basically was a prayer saying sorry for not believing in Him when we are scared or not believing that He will take care of us if we just let Him into our hearts. That is me. I am so sorry, God, for not letting you in my heart and believing that you will take care of me. I just have to let go and believe. But I must firstly be forgiven for being so angry, which I still am. But yesterday I wasn't so angry. I felt free, I felt ok about my life and believed that it was only going to get better because for that 45 minutes I was on that walk, I think I let God into my heart. And boy did it feel good.

But when I came home, it didn't take long before I was angry again and almost like I ripped God our of my heart and told Him to piss off. I'm having such a hard time lately with being angry. I'm so angry all the time. I don't know what to think about God because of what happened to me. Why would He let something so horrible happen? I almost feel as if He ruined my life. These thoughts make me so angry. But while I was on that walk, I wasn't so angry and it felt really good. I almost felt at peace with God, and most of all, myself.

So today, I'm going to go on another walk and see if my anger goes away and if that peace comes again. Maybe talk to God and let him in my heart for however long it takes me to walk because it seems that when I come home, I shove Him out. Don't get me wrong, I love my home. But I feel like it's an assisted living home for me. I love my parents more than anything and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for all they have done and sacrificed. And that's another thing I get angry at God about. Is why did He have to hurt my family along with me? I get so angry about that too. Why am I so angry all the time lately? Why can't I let God into my heart and believe that He will take care of me and my family. I'm so sorry God for not letting you into my heart and believing. I'm trying.