I watched this movie the other day and that quote stuck out to me. Is this really true? I have been through ruin. A horrible ruin. All I can hope is that she (well really Elizabeth Gilbert, the author) is right in that it is the road to transformation because I am in desperate need of some kind of transformation. In some ways, I have been on that road of transformation in a literal sense with all my reconstructive surgeries but what about in a non-literal sense? A road to transformation with my life? A road to transformation with my acceptance of myself? These non-literal ways are much harder. Or are they? Every time I go through a surgery, my body is beat up, battered, in pain and scarred. Though I have been through 27 surgeries so far, it has yet to get easier. My father said he had a dream the other night and though he cannot remember the whole dream, he said that we were talking and he looked over at me and suddenly my face had changed to almost the way it was pre-burn. My lips were back to normal, the skin around my mouth was a normal skin color and the skin around my cheeks were not scarred. I had my face back. What a wonderful dream to have. I wish that physical transformation would come true.
Though the transformation of my body, fixing my face and the rest of my body is highly important to me, it is the road to transformation in my life and self acceptance that I think is what troubles me the most. How do I get on that road? Or am I already on it and aimlessly wandering? Why is this so hard for me? Maybe it's because I don't believe that this ruin I have gone through was not a gift. It took so much from me and I'm so angry about it. I am lost on this road to transformation. I have been through the ruin, now please God, help me find the road to transformation. Please. I don't want to be lost anymore. I don't want to hate myself and my life anymore. I want a new, better, fuller life. I don't want to feel alone anymore. And most of all, I want to be happy again. Please, God, help me find this road to transformation.