Saturday, October 30, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Today I took my second step in getting my psychology degree by going to meet with a psychology professor about what exactly it is that I need to do. The psychology requirements have changed a bit but seeing as how I've already done everything that was required of me when I graduated they are not going to make me do the additional requirements. So what I need to graduate is 36 of any credits. We also discussed doing a practicum in the Spring (I'm planning on returning to school in the winter term). I plan on doing my credits online and i plan on doing this very slowly as I have to travel to doctor appointments and surgeries all the time. So only a class or two at a time.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
"As a follower of your blog, I want to both hold you to comfort you and knock some sense into you to help you focus better. Your life is not over. And your dreams do not have to be destroyed. I know I left a comment on one of your previous blogs that encouraged you to change your perception…I will continue to say that to you. It is time to let go of the dreams that are holding you back, and start dreaming in the structure of now.
While faith in a deity is great, you must always remember that our deities (no matter what religion) are in EVERYTHING…that means in YOU, in the wind that blows through the trees, in the grass that grows in your yard, in the water that you consume. LIFE is in everything, including YOU.
.....It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me.
Here is where we are different, and I humbly accept this. I have never been dependent on people as you have to be in this struggle. I cannot imagine the frustration you feel even as you describe it in your blogs. The patience you must be learning can only be wondered at. It is amazing to me that you do even the few things that you do, that you are finally going out in public, that you are having coffee and dinners with friends. How amazing that there are people who love you enough to have waited for you to come out of your coma, to be by your side as you face surgery after surgery. How amazing that there is a following of people who want to know more about your life and your daily battles. And how awesome of you to share them.
I hope for you that you will learn sooner rather than later that it is not about the glory we receive for things accomplished that makes life worthwhile. It is not about the awards we could win. There is so much more to life than making it out better than the people around us. I’m afraid that the mentality of “doing better than this” is largely an Eastern Oregon mentality, and it pangs me to think that you are falling into it. Growing up in La Grande causes most kids to say “I’m better than this. I deserve better than this. I can do better than the assholes at school who thought they were better than me.” The truth about this behavior is that, sure, it could happen. But WHY does it HAVE to? Why can’t we be content with trying? Why do we have to get so angry with ourselves and try to place blame on others when we don’t quite make it out better than or even on par with the rest of our classmates? It’s a nasty and hard lesson to learn, but when we finally realize that what we have is as amazing as our perception allows it to be, then we win. This stupid game of having to prove ourselves b/c we made childish promises in high school will end, and we begin living.....
....Sarah – I don’t understand your daily physical struggle, but I understand emotional turmoil. I understand suicidal tendencies, I understand fear, and I understand anger all too well. I’ve lived all of those struggles. I am hopeful for you that your perception will change. That you will see how amazing and beautiful you are. The human beings that focus on the outward appearance, the human beings that feel only pity for you – well shame on them! What misguided, undereducated ignoramuses. Sarah, in all of your recent photos, not only are you able to lift your chin, but the sparkle is coming back into your eyes. There is evidence that you KNOW you have something worth living for. Don’t let broken promises to yourself bind all that is good and hide it away deep inside you. Continue to let yourself glow, because you do damnit! You glow! I don’t remember anything about your physical being before the accident more than I remember your eyes and your voice. You still have those eyes. Those “Lilly hazel eyes” if you will. And they speak volumes.
I would watch you acting any day because I am sure you’ve not forgotten your training. Damn, because of your charisma, I’d watch you sit and read a book aloud. It is awesome that you share your story…I pray that one day, you will be able to focus on the amazingness that is you and the beauty that you possess.
Whoever told you that you shouldn’t ask “why” could be correct. However, simply changing the form of the question doesn’t necessarily change the content. “What” might not be the better question either. Maybe instead of asking questions you could begin, like a scientist, with a theory.
“I hypothesize that as I heal, my fears will disappear.”
It’s easier to watch and make (or even let) things happen that way.
If I could wish anything for you, Sarah, it would be that you are able to let go of whatever you are afraid to speak about. Your comments sound sincere, and as I read them, I can’t help but wonder what you are hiding—that you are afraid to share.
It’s not necessarily for the world or blog followers to know what you are afraid of saying. That’s fine, I just hope that you have someone you can go to and not feel judged by, because the pain in your heart and mind is what tugs at me. I wish I had answers for you lovely lady. Please keep sharing as that is the only way some of us have of knowing how you are fairing each day.
And lastly, I hope that I can always be one of your supporters and followers."
"It was not until I realized that it wasn’t about finding blame, that it was about accepting change. It was about finding a way to use that change to rock the socks off of the world around me and to keep honoring the universe for having blessed me with the growing experience it gave me," she writes again, hitting the nail right on the head for me. I wrote about change in a previous blog post and here she reminds me of it again. I want to blame God for what he has done to me when what I really need to do is accept the change, find a way to use it and "rock the socks off of the world" with it. But what do I have to offer the world now? I wanted to offer the world the greatest entertainment they'd ever seen whether on Broadway or on film but in the great chances that I can no longer do that, what is it that I can offer now? Or maybe I should put it this way: what is it that I can offer now that I will love just as much?
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"SB, for some reason, I've not been able to post comments on your blog but I just caught myself up on it and I wanted to tell you that I am so proud of you. You are doing an amazing job and your words are so healthy. Even the angry ones. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by finishing your Psychology degree. And even by considering the burn nursing. Because what you have, my dear, is a voice. You don't pretend like everyday is easy and you are humming your way through the pain. You are real. You thank the Lord and you question him. Both are very real feelings that you could absolutely share with others that are struggling with physical pain as well as mental/emotional pain. Whether you are counseling someone, or physically helping them with their injuries, you would be perfect. And this doesn't mean that you'll never get back on that stage again. Who says you can't have two dreams??? :) Trust me, there are days when I wonder why in the heck I joined the military. It makes me move away from family and friends, and I don't get to express myself creatively. (one of the problems with a military of ONE....no individuals) My true passion is with decorating and with fitness. I've gained ten pounds since being in Seattle because my job makes it hard to get in a routine. But I can only take one day at a time and try to do my job well and proudly. And then do what I can, when I can with my other dreams. You've got a long life ahead of you sweetie. Don't give up on any of your dreams. I love you more than anything and can't wait to see you again. I pray that God eases your pain each day and you feel the love that is pouring towards you from all of your friends, family, and followers. If nothing else helps you today...I hope knowing that you are my ultimate inspiration does. You help me each and every day, my friend. Thank you.
Love, Corrie (Your Besty)"
Both her and I wear rings that read, "Anam Cara" which means, "soul friend." She is truly my soul friend and her email this morning really helped me get through my day today because i knew it was gonna be a hard one after the night i had with no sleep whatsoever. She is truly an amazing human being and I'm so lucky to just even know her, let alone be her best friend. She says that I am an inspiration to her and that still brings tears to my eyes because that is my aim with telling you all my hurts, pains, anger, and sometimes the happy times in my life exposed here on this blog. But she inspires me in return. That is one of the reasons why we make such a good pair: We inspire each other. I hope I inspire you other readers and followers as well otherwise I'm not achieving my goal with this blog.
Corrie, thank you for that beautiful email this morning. It got me through my day and it made me realize that it may be possible for me to hold on to my acting dream. I love you Corrie and I miss you everyday.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Live your life to it's very best everyday of your life for your life can change in a split second and your world can come tumbling down on you. Such is what happened to me. Unfortunately, I did not live my life to it's very best everyday before my accident so it's hard for me to be at peace with my new life because I can't look back on my life and say, I did the best I could, I tried everyday, and I lived to the fullest everyday. I took advantage of a lot of things. I took advantage of living in a great city like New York after a couple years of living there. I got used to it and stopped taking advantage of this great city that had so much to do in it. I began to hate my life because I didn't know where I was going. I had lost sight of my goals, my dreams. I began just working my job and going to auditions less and less with each passing day. I began going to see Broadway shows less and less and stayed home more and more. I slept a lot, I became depressed. Very depressed. And that's why I came home; was to get my priorities in order and turn my life around but I never made it. My accident happened before I was able to make those changes and really re-evaluate my life.
My life changed in a split second. I went into a coma for a month and when I awoke, my life was changed forever. Everything I knew about my life would never be the same. I cannot describe to you the first time I saw myself in the mirror. For the longest time, they covered up the mirrors in the bathroom so that I wouldn't have such a shock without being prepared. But when the time finally came for me to face the burn it was devastating. They took down the paper that was covering the mirror and I kept my eyes to the floor for what seems like forever before I finally lifted my head to see a monster. I had no idea who was looking back at me. I was so scared that I would forever look the way I did that day. I have never cried like I did that day. I felt as if my life and my world was over. I even felt sorry for my family to have such an ugly and disfigured family member. I felt I would embarass them.
My life has never been the same since. I have gone through 24 surgeries and am heading into my 25th November 8th (I just found out). And my life will never be the same. And that scares me to no end. I cry often and with all my heart poured out in tears. What did God want me to learn from all of this? Was it simply to live my life better? Because if that was His intention He could have found a better grand plan than to hurt me so badly, inside and out. I just don't understand yet what He wants me to do with my life now. I've sent in a re-admittance form to go back to school to finish my Bachelor of Science in Psychology but is that where I belong? I still feel like I belong on the stage and on film. I can't get rid of that feeling. Everytime I watch a movie my heart lurches to be in front of that camera and it sinks at the same time knowing that dream may never come to pass.
So please, my dear friends and followers, live your life everyday to it's very best for it can change in a split second, like mine did. Even if it's a bad day, just be happy that you're alive. And make sure you tell those people that you love, that you love them everyday for you never know when yours or THEIR lives can change in that split second. A split second is all it takes.
Monday, October 4, 2010
So I am trying to move forward in my "what now" part of my life. I think that's really healthy and important for my psyche; to focus on the "what now" and try to push past the "why me" for awhile. However, I don't think I am ready to move on from "why me" because I am still upset with God for what has happened and don't understand why it happened but at least I can focus on something else for a little while and feel like I'm moving my feet forward. Key words: "a little while." I'm sorry but I'm afraid wondering "why me" will stay with me for quite some time. But at least I have taken action on the "what now."
I can't wait to tell you what classes I'm going to have to take! I hope this is the right thing to do right now. Actually, I feel it in my heart that it is, but am I really ready? I sure hope so cause the motions are set in place.
I can't imagine what it would be like if one of my own personal Burn Doctors such as Dr. Pulito or Dr. Vangelisti (Dr. McDreamy) were to be killed. Particularly Dr. Vangelisti as he is the one who is making great advances in my reconstruction. If I lost him I don't know what I'd do.
It is a terrible time in the Burn community. Please pray for all those who wear his work on their skin and/or were affected by him in some way in their lives. He was a great man and this is a great, GREAT loss. I'm so sorry Haley and Michael.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
My brothers and sisters, when you have many kinds of troubles, you should be full of joy, because you know that these troubles test your faith, and this will give you patience. Let your patience show itself perfectly in what you do. Then you will be perfect and complete and will have everything you need.
I wanted to share it because I found it a most perfect scripture that I have never heard of! I like it very much because it pertains to me almost perfectly. My troubles are testing my faith, and my patience for that matter. I am in pain again today. I had a pain-free day yesterday but it has returned and it kept me from going to church today and I fear it will keep me from going to a meeting I so desperately need to go to tonight, but I am going to try with all my might to make it to this meeting.
As a follow-up from my last post, I have been thinking a lot about the question, "What now?" I got a Bachelor of Science in Music (vocal performance) but was sooo close to getting ANOTHER Bachelor of Science in Psychology as well but was short a few credits. My mother thinks I should finish up that psychology degree but I don't have the money to do so. But I also want to finish it up so I think I'm going to look into any disability programs or disability financial aid they might offer and see if I can get it for cheaper. With my mother's kind pressure, she has got me to thinking about burn nursing. Since I have been there and AM a burn survivor, she thinks I would make a fabulous burn nurse, and deep down I do too. But a part of me feels like I am betraying my dream of being a performer if I think seriously about doing something else with my life. Because there is nothing I want more than to be a performer on Broadway or on Film. That is my dream. But is it realistic now because of my injury? Because of my scars?
So, what now? Do I at least go for finishing my psychology degree? And do I go for nursing and at least have it for a real career to fall back on in however many years it takes for me to re-enter the world on my own again? That thought scares me half to death. And does it betray my dream? Does it mean that doing those things is the death of my dream?
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3: 5-6)
Friday, October 1, 2010
"I believe that when we go through a trial which wounds us so deeply, God can use it to teach us valuable lessons. Some of those lessons are a deeper understanding of who He is, of who we are and of what we truly believe. Our faith grows in the petri dish of struggles in the laboratory of life. One of my most valuable lessons, through all my wounds and scars, was a decision to stop saying 'why me' and to begin asking 'what now?'...During the difficult months that followed the loss of our child, I strugged with God. Just as Jacob wrestled with God through his dark night of the soul, I wrestled as well. How could He love me and allow this to happen? Why would God withhold my dream? Is He able? Is He kind? Is He really there?"
I know that God is trying to teach me a valuable lesson through my accident but I still struggle so deeply with those very questions Sharon Jaynes (the author) also had. I know I should stop asking "why me" and start asking "what now" as Sharon realized but I don't know how to understand the "why me" and I don't understand how God could withhold my dreams and possibly even destroy them. How can He be an all-loving God then?
I have a dear friend, well he is actually my acting manager, and I talked to him today and he said, as I cried on the other end, that he made a deal with God that he would never ask "why" as long as I survived. Well I did survive and he has kept that deal. He refuses to ask why or respond to me when I ask him why. he told me, "It was a terrible, horrific thing that happened to you, but you lived and I believe you lived for a reason. I believe you lived to tell you story to help others and one day you will look back on all of your suffering and understand." Well, how long will it take for me to look back and understand? I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain, as I posted last night. Today I am still in pain and I sit here crying again it hurts so bad. None of my painkillers seem to be strong enough to overpower this strength of pain.
I am tired of asking why and I'm sure you're tired of hearing it. So instead, I will ask, what now? What do I do now? I am suffering greatly and I just don't understand how this God of yours can let me sit here, in relentless pain and crying my eyes out. I don't know what to do now. I'm so confused and ANGRY! of all things.
Please stop the pain, I beg of You.