Thursday, April 26, 2012

Coldplay Concert

Well I had an amazing day on April 24th, 2012.  Well, it was a disappointing day that ended with an amazing flair.  My mother and I got tickets to go see the band Coldplay, which we both love immensely, when they went on sale just after Christmas and we'd been looking forward to that night for four months and it finally arrived.  Since I was gonna be in town, my burn doctor wanted to see me for a pre-op so I had an appointment at 2:00 to see him the same day of the concert.  So the morning of April 24th, we headed out for the trek to Portland and headed directly into the hospital to see him.  This is where the disappointing part of the day comes in.  First of all when he saw me, he just goes, "wow.  You look amazing my girl," and that made me smile cause I just love my doctor and when he says stuff like that to me makes me feel all super inside.  But then after a little bit of chit chat, he drops a bomb on me...he's not going to work on my lip.  Reason is he saw how bad my neck has gotten and since it's all connected between my lip and my neck, he doesn't want to do work on my lip just to have my neck fuck it up so he's pushing the lip back for another surgery date.  My heart sank.  I've been waiting for this lip to be worked on and fixed finally for four years now and my hopes really got put up there because he aimed to really finally get it done but hopes were dashed on Tuesday after seeing him.  So he's going to work on my neck again and release contractures around the corners of my mouth.  And he's bringing in my original burn doctor, Dr, Pulito to assist him on this next surgery.

So after that appointment I was feeling irritated and upset because my lip was not going to get done.  Even looking forward to the concert wasn't helping and I was trying hard not to ruin this evening for my mom.  Or myself.  I was still in a mood when we were walking down to the Rose Garden from our hotel and even when we got in our seats and still even when the two support bands played.  But that quickly dissolved when Coldplay took the stage.  When the doors opened to the Garden and they scanned our tickets they handed us all these bracelets that we were supposed to wear during the concert as it was part of the bands act.  And as soon as they took the stage and started their first song everyone's bracelets lit up with twinkly lights.  It was so much fun and so beautiful looking out over the audience seeing all the lights twinkling different colors.  And my God, Coldplay rocked.  Chris Martin, the lead singer has energy to no end and he puts on a performance.  He runs around, jumps up and down, spins.  And they are truly such a gracious band.  I smiled and screamed and sang the whole time.  It had been awhile since I'd been to a concert, four or five years actually, so it felt amazing and good to do something big like that.  For four hours, I kinda forgot my life as it is now and almost felt free of my sorrows.  It was an amazing feeling.  I enjoyed it so much.  What a night.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Clutching The Past Too Tightly

"You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present."  ~Jan Glidewell

I am reminded of this quote as I was going through some pre-burn pictures of myself to put away in a box and send off to one of my dearest friends.  Once again it was hard going through those pictures.  Damned hard seeing what I used to look like, how happy I was in every picture.  Tears welled up in my eyes until they eventually tipped over my lower lid and streamed down my cheeks, around the corners of my mouth.  It was a quiet cry, a quiet sob.  Gentle heaves rocked my chest and body as I went through each picture, lingering on each one for just a moment or two before putting them away.

I have been clutching the past so tightly to my chest that I haven't been able to fully embrace the present.  I'm hung up on what was and that in turn makes me angry with my present, unable to live my life for each moment.  I'm wasting days, moments of the present because I can't get over the past, both the good and the bad.  But when I look at those pictures I see only what was good in my past, the good memories flooding my mind so fast that it's difficult to keep up in my own head.  I don't know how to let go.  Four years later and I still don't know how to let go.  It's impossible for me to accept what happened and push forward, making the best out of what I have now.  When I think about accepting the accident, it's like solving a complex physics equation.  I look at it like it's an ancient Egyptian language and I can't comprehend the thought of accepting what happened.  I'm wasting my life doing this.

So how does one come to accept a horrible happening in their life?  Something that ruined the way of life that they knew?  I think it helps if they aren't as alone as I am.  Sure, I have my family and my friends, but I don't have my own family, a husband, or even a boyfriend.  I'm on my own, alone, and it proves to be difficult to meet people so I hide away most of the time.  And by hiding away, time passes me by as I clutch to past memories of a happier time.  And before I know it, four years have passed, I've turned 30 years old, and I don't have anything to show for it except 32 surgeries.

I continue to pack up my past so that maybe I may find myself free to embrace the present....