Battling

I haven't written in some time because I haven't been well, physically, mentally and emotionally.  I've been battling some dark depression for the past few months.  And I've been battling health issues.  I went back to see the Orthopedist this past Monday and he gave me another cortisone shot but this time he put it right in the shoulder joint.  Last time he put it in the front of my shoulder where the tendon hooks into the shoulder joint.  But it didn't help me any so he decided to try it in the shoulder joint.  He said if it's going to help, I should notice a difference in the next couple days.  But it's Thursday now, and I'm not any better.  I'm supposed to follow up with him in three weeks again but I don't know what he's gonna want to do next since I asked him at my last appointment and his reply was, "Well, I'm hoping this is gonna work," referring to the cortisone shots.  So, I'm still in loads of pain and I still can't use my arm any better.

I also had a diabetic three month check-up appointment yesterday and it did not go very well either.  My A1C was 9.4.  9.4!!!!  That's insanely bad.  I've never had an A1C that bad before.  I was close once with 8.6 but never this high.  My jaw dropped to the floor when my doctor told me that.  She was shocked about it, too.  But when I told her I had been getting these cortisone shots, she was then not surprised that my A1C was that high.  Cortisone shots can raise your blood sugar quite drastically.  And my blood sugars have been very high lately.  But I never imagined my A1C would be as high as 9.4!!  So we did some adjustments and changes on my insulin pump. I also found out the name of my stomach problem that I have.  I don't know if you remember but maybe a year ago I was having problems keeping food down when I ate.  I would eat a meal and the food felt like it would just sit there in my stomach and then I would get nauseous and throw up my food.  This happened almost every meal.  So, I went to my PCP about it and he thought it was this disease that diabetics get but he could not think of what the disease was.  But he was pretty sure that was it so I got put on some medication for it and ever since then, I've been able to keep my food down and get it to digest.  Well, when I explained this to my endocrinologist at my diabetic check up she knew exactly what it was - Gastroparesis.  Gastroparesis, also called delayed gastric emptying, is a medical condition consisting of partial paralysis of the stomach (paresis).  This results in food remaining in the stomach for a longer time than normal.  The vagus nerve controls the contractions that gets the food to move down into the small intestine for digestion.  Gastroparesis may occur when the vagus nerve is damaged and the muscles of the stomach and intestines do not work properly, so thus food moves slowly or stops moving through the digestive tract.  So now I have a name to this disease I have had for awhile.  Just seems to go along with everything about my body not working or healing properly.

In other news, I've been battling some heavy depression, which is why I haven't been writing.  I just have no interest in anything.  I'm bored all day long but I have no interest in doing anything that I have interests in.  Not to mention the problem with my shoulder keeps me from doing many of those interests as well because either I can't do it with the limited movement I have with my arm or I'm in too much pain.  So then I just fall deeper into depression.  It's a viscous cycle and I can't find my way out.  I hadn't gone to therapy for quite some time, several months, and I finally got back into it last week.  I go again tomorrow.  Then there's some other health issues that I may be dealing with that has got me down.  I can't get into it yet, not until I know more but, it could be another major health issue for me.  So, I'm also dealing with that.

I don't know how to climb out of this, how to help myself.  I'm so tired of feeling this way but it's not something that is easily fixed.  I've got so much going on with my health and thus so much going on in my head about it.  I wish I could just have a British stiff upper lip but that's not who I am.  I feel and I feel deeply.  I get caught up in it, lost in it.  I don't know how to bury my emotions and just slap a smile on my face.  That's not to say I go about my days overly expressing my emotions.  Most of the time I'm quiet about what I'm feeling even though I'm feeling it so deeply that my heart hurts with it.  My therapist said something in my session last week that resonated with me.  She said she wonders how long I'm gonna put up with my life until I do something about it.  Until I pull up anchor and go after what I want.  I think I'm ready to pull up anchor any time, but there are a few things that aren't allowing me to pull up anchor yet, like surgeries yet to be done and needing a lot of care.  I know my anchor will be down for at least another year but I know there are still things I could try to figure out to do until I am able to pull up anchor.  It's not about being ready to pull up my anchor because I think I'm ready.  It's about things that are not yet allowing me to pull up anchor and move on.  I've gotta make the best out of my position right now.  But being in a heavy depression halts that development.  So, I guess I got some things to work on.