Saturday, with the incredible weather, we headed down to the beach. And I took off my flip flops and just walked along the beach in the shallow tide looking out into the beautiful ocean. For once, I felt positive about my life. Like everything really was going to be okay. It was like an escape from the reality of my life back home. Everything melted away and I just let the sun warm my skin, the water wash over my feet as they sank into the sand, and the beautiful sound of the ocean fill my ears as I forgot my pain.
Almost immediately when we arrived at The Agate Beach Motel, a tiny little gem of a motel with only 10 apts located on a cove looking over the ocean, I made friends with our neighbors and their sweetheart of a dog, "Jab On The Line" or "Jab" for short. He was a racing greyhound that they adopted and we became instant pals. In fact, there was one time where he actually walked over to our apt unbeknown to his owners to see me! I was constantly hanging out with Jab, petting him, smothering him with kisses and talking in doggie babble to him. When we had to say goodbye it was hard. He jumped on me and gave me a doggie hug. I am still determined to adopt a racing greyhound :)
This picture above was the front deck of our apt. It overlooked the ocean perfectly. We would just sit out on the chairs and either just watch and listen to the ocean or read. It was perfect.
(A view from our front deck)
(Another beautiful view from our front deck)
I think this was also a very good vacation for my mother. She had been having a hard time at work lately and dealing with my care that she really needed a break. And the ocean is her favorite place. I know she has dealt with some major Post Traumatic Stress, as I have also, because she is the one that found me engulfed in flames and put me out. That's not an image you can ever get out of your head and it truly hurts me deeply that she had to see that and that she still sees it. My mother does so much for me as not only as my mother but also as my caretaker. She now plays two roles for me and that is hard for me to deal with because I feel bad she has to take care of me. I feel bad when she has to take me to doctor appointments and to surgeries, especially when sometimes she leaves me at the hospital if I'm staying for an extended period and she has to go back to work and she has to travel that 4.5 hours alone. I care for my mother so much and I feel so guilty everyday for putting her through this tragedy. So I was so glad to see her happy this weekend. So glad to see her smile and hear her laugh.
(Me and Daddy on the beach on Saturday)
(Just sitting out on the deck, enjoying the sound and view of the ocean)
This vacation was truly a delight for me and my parents. Although, it is hard that being 29 years old that I was vacationing with my parents and not with a boyfriend/husband or a few girlfriends. But we all got along and enjoyed each other's company. Although I was happier than I have been in a long time (except for my best friend's wedding), somehow I still felt some depression. Since my best friend's wedding I have started to slip back into that hole. I just think about Corrie (my best friend) and her new husband and how happy they must be together and it upsets me that I don't have that, too. I couldn't be happier for her but I also wish that I had that. I am tired of being alone. I love my friends more than they will ever know, but there is just something about having a companion by your side. I'm tired of this body that the accident left me with. I'm tired of struggling. I want to be happy again. I want to feel the way that I did that Saturday on the beach, free. Free from my body, free from my struggles, free from mourning my past, free from the anxiety of my unknown future, free from my pain.