Friday, February 24, 2012

Update on Health Issues

Things with my health are not so great.  First, there's the diabetes problem.  My doctor is concerned I may have been misdiagnosed in the hospital where I was originally diagnosed for type 2 diabetes.  Problem is, they never really tested me, they just assumed, after a blood test for my glucose levels, that I was type 2.  Turns out I may actually be type 1, which is a worse case scenario.  My brother has been living with type 1 for quite some time and is on the pump so I know what he goes through and I don't want to go through that.  Yet at the same time, if it is a misdiagnoses and it's type 1 instead, maybe they'll be able to better treat it.  My glucose levels have been crazy and uncontrollable so maybe getting put on the pump will be a good thing, no matter how much I really wish there was an easier way to treat it.  I have been doing 4 shots a day with my insulin but the doctor added an additional shot to be taken three times a day before meals so that's a total of 7 shots a day, including my long acting shot at night before bed.  Oi up is more blood work (yay) and a Dexcom Sensor to be put on me which is kind of like a pump but I wear it for a week so she can have access to my gluose levels 24/7 instead of the three times a day that I normally test.  In addition my A1C was pretty horrible again which is not good.  I could live with this easier if it wasn't for my burn.  The problem with having such a severe case of diabetes is it creates complications in my surgeries and particularly my healing.

Second on the list is my new diagnosis of sleep apnea.  It's a bad case for my age and I now have to be fitted for a CPAP machine to give me the proper oxygen I am supposed to have.  NOT. COOL.  I'm sure sleeping with that thing is going to be so crazy annoying but what can I do?  Nothing but wear it and suffer through yet another problem.

So my health isn't exactly good.  I'm in a bit of bad shape.  The only one of my doctor appointments that went well this week was for my foot to check on my toe, and it surprisingly looks good.  Other than that, everything else has been bad news.  Figures.  Story of my life.  Oi....

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

You Don't Choose A Life, You Live One

"You don't choose a life, you live one."  ~Emilio Estevez in "The Way"

I haven't seen this movie yet but that line out of it sure hits home.  I sure as hell didn't choose the life I'm living now.  No one would ever choose this life.  This is life-long suffering.  Not just a few years of suffering and pain but for the rest of my life.  It will never be the same for me, my body or my life.  Surgeries will happen until it's not worth it to do any more cause I'm too old and it won't make a difference in my quality of life.  I will always be in some kind of physical therapy for battling contractures and scar bands.  I will never be able to fully extend my arms over my head.  I will never be able to do what I used to do in yoga and Pilates because of the contractures that I will forever be in battle with.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to lay out on a beautiful beach of the finest sand because I fear what people will stare at with me in a bathing suit - the scars the cover my body or the large rectangular indent in my right thigh that will never fill in or both - and the fear of the possible damage the sun can do to my grafts.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to eat a hamburger again because my mouth is too tight with scar tissue to open large enough.  Should I go on?  No.  Because it's pointless.  My point, however, is to make an example of my life that it's life-long problems and life-long suffering and life-long pain.  I know it could be worse.  But this is what I'm living with and always will.  Surgeries for the rest of my life and these surgeries aren't easy.  First of all they have a hell of a time getting an IV in for one.  I have limited choices for an IV because of the scars the cover my body and then my veins are not easy to find so I can get poked with an IV needle anywhere from 3-8 times.  Then I have to go through a prep, sign away my life on papers for the doctor and the anesthesiologist so if something goes wrong, they can't be sued.  Then it's scary as all hell to be wheeled into the operating room cause I know once the anesthesia hits, which stings like crazy, I have no more control, no matter how many times I've done this.  And the pain that follows upon waking is like nothing I can explain to you.  And I have gone through this 32 prior times and have the rest of my life to go through this experience, one after another to fix this, to fix that.

Anyway, my point is I didn't choose this life.  I chose a much different life, or at least I thought I did.  But in all reality, I didn't choose that either.  Like he says, you don't choose a life, you live one.  And this is the one I've been dealt.  It sucks, no doubt about that.  But I must start living it.  I didn't choose any part of my life because you don't get to choose.  I made choices within it, but I didn't get to choose any part of it otherwise my life would have turned out very differently.  A lot of people's lives would have turned out differently if we got to choose.  But we don't.  No one does.  The choices we make lead us down different paths whether we realize where it's taking us or not.  Most of the time we think we know, but we really don't.  I once believed in things that were meant to be would be.  But it's hard to believe in that when something bad strikes in your life because who wants to believe that my accident, anybody's accident, was meant to be?  But maybe I should look at it from a different perspective in that what was meant to be was not the accident, but the positive changes in my life that have happened since the accident, though those are hard to come by right now.  But I don't know what further positives are going to come out of this whole thing but I have to start believing there will be a rainbow at the end of all this.  I will have my fairy tale.  I demand it.  I will just arrive at it from a different path than I originally planned.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Fancy Another, Even MORE Wicked Chat With Linda?!

I had another great, GREAT chat with Linda that changed my day.  Her advice and commentary is brilliant and wicked and I love her for all that she is.  She's an amazing woman and friend and I don't know how to thank her for lifting my spirits in just the right moments and in just the right way.  I don't know how to thank her for the brilliant way she lifts my heart and my spirits except to say, I love ya, Linda and I thank you for being such a great, amazing, beautiful, WONDROUS friend, SISTER!  You mean so much to me.  I present to you our conversation today:

LINDA: tough day doll? *hugs*

SB: Oh Linda, good to talk to you. I've missed you. yeah, it's a tough day. and a tough day yesterday. I'm tired of it.

LINDA: what's goin' on sweetie?

SB: I'm just excruciatingly lonely and upset all the damn time.  and angry

LINDA: sigh. i'm sorry angel... this too shall pass. doesn't help that the national holiday for gagging people with forced "love" is upon us.  you need something to distract you. something to tie up your mind... writing?

SB: yeah, I was attempting to write something earlier this morning but I got distracted by my anger and being upset

LINDA: well we need to find you something to get all lost and immersed in. maybe a great book would help you ...

SB: yeah but I'm having a hard time emersing myself in a book cause I'm having emotional/mental problems.  I can't focus.  I can't calm my mind

LINDA: exercise is vital,even if you just do what you can. do you have resistance bands? they're awesome.

SB: yeah, I have some really nice resistance bands.  I been taking care of myself for an awfully long time. even before the accident.  that's what's even sadder.  god, I'm crying now

LINDA: it's not sad. it's life doll.  crying is okay too. needed sometimes.

SB: then why are almost all of my friends, older and younger, married or engaged?

LINDA: oh who knows. and who cares.  sorry...didn't mean that to sound insensitive.

it didn't

LINDA: but what i'm saying is that i know plenty of people, older and younger, who are NOT with anyone.  we tend to put our focus on the people who seem to have what we lack, or desire.  it's perspective.

SB: I know, but I want to be with someone. I'm tired of being alone.

LINDA: why don't you try some different kind of therapy.
how about...
writing your story with a happy ending.
fairytale shit
write it like you want it to happen.
write it in full detail.
the successful surgeries
the healing
the return to the stage
the meeting of the great guy you thought you couldn't get
the romance of it
the passion of it
all of it.
the happy fucking ending!

SB: yeah

LINDA: it's not a pipe dream is your life.  the way you see it, the things you tell yourself every single day matter.
i have a trick.


LINDA: imagine yourself as a beautiful little girl
full of hope
limitless possibilities...
got that?
can you picture her?

SB: It's hard.

LINDA: no just do it.  this is part of the trick.


LINDA: take yourself back to being like, 13.
full of wonder
i'm just asking to to visualize her


LINDA: now tell that beautiful girl that she's unworthy.
tell her it'll never happen.
she's ridiculous.
yelll at her
tell her she's ugly
tell her to stop dreaming
you see her crying?

SB: yes

LINDA: you see the damage you're causing that girl?
that's what you do to yourself every day.
by believing the bullshit
don't do that to that beautiful girl.
you wouldn't dare do it to your own child.
remember yourself as a child... someone loved and adored, encouraged and supported.
you need to keep your eyes on that girl all the time.  give her what she needs.
tell her everyday that she is amazing.
completely capable of exceeding her wildest dreams.

SB: but she was beautiful and amazing back then. not anymore

LINDA: no. she still is.  as if you were a mother to your own child self.
you wouldn't say... yeah, forget it dear. might as well phone it in.
you'd say ... whatever it takes, i will help you get there. you will arrive at where you want to be. i promise.
because you would feel innate to protect her, guard her and love her no matter what.

SB: I don't know how. I've hated myself for almost four years now
My four year anniversary is coming up.

LINDA: you can't just allow yourself to see what was. you have to remember you're still her.
i know angel, and i'm sorry for such a sucky anniversary. but god i'm glad you're here.  i won't let you be a victim of this tragic shit. i just won' are amazing. i pray every day that you'll see it and believe it. see with your heart. believe with your very soul.

SB: You're such an amazing woman, Linda. I wish I had your woman power.

LINDA: you do. you are stronger than i am my dear.

SB: no I'm not.

LINDA: you say that, but the proof is everywhere.  seriously.  why do you think i rally behind you so strongly?  for fun?  no.i'm not like that.  i'd give "atta girls" to someone who'd been through such a horrific incident as you, but to really rally, cheer, pray, champion for someone.... that's because of what i see.
you're unbelievable.

SB: because I'd like to think you're my friend. my good friend

LINDA: in a great way.
i am.

SB: Thanks for saying those things.

LINDA: but my point is, what i have seen in you since we "met" has impacted my life too.  i've never wanted someone to succeed as much as i want it for you.  you're this dazzling talented woman. so much to offer. so much to give. so many places to go and worlds to conquer.  i just won't let you give up on you.

SB: aww Linda, those are amazing things to say to me

LINDA: it's clear you have so much to give.  it's true doll.  i've nothing to gain by saying it. it's my heart, it's what i believe.  it's what i KNOW.  i feel lucky to know you.  i just know one day i'll be saying... "shit, i know that girl, and look at her now - what an amazing woman!"
you'll invite me to your wedding.  hehe
and i'll swoon over your amazing man.
and i'll probably still be single
but whatever.

: lol

LINDA: seriously though, you are so fucking smart... look at how far you came in such a short time before your accident.  that's crazy amazing.

SB: I would invite you to my wedding in a heartbeat if i was lucky enough to get married.

LINDA: you have such gifts... such talent.
you will be.
no "ifs" anymore.
it's so not healthy.
when i get married i will invite you to my fabulous wedding so you can shag the groomsman.  hehe

SB: You're such a good friend and an amazing woman yourself

LINDA: that's what you need to say to me!

SB: lol Thank you.

LINDA: oh gee... yeah well whatever. we all have our issues right?

: oh, of course! you know it!

LINDA: i'm a mess of my own making. but i don't dwell on it.  no point.

SB: well, when you look in the mirror you get to see a beautiful woman.  who's HIGHLY intelligent.

: yes, i'm guilty of blowing a lot of sunshine up your ass...i'm rather positive in general. but that's hard wiring.
thanks doll.
looks are fleeting and we both know that.

SB: it's just sunshine?

LINDA: no...but i'm sure you might feel like it's sunshine

SB: not from you.

LINDA: here you're all wrapped up in feeling blue and uh oh, linda's here - blasting you with cheerleading positive shit

SB: lol, no I like it when you talk to me

LINDA: but i looooooooove you and want you to be happy. happy can't come from sad. kick sad's ass.  sad needs to fuck off.  nothing gets accomplished with sad. angry - well at least that can motivate you.  i always choose pissed over sad when i can.
at least i'll get something done.

SB: yeah well what happens when you're upset, sad and angry all at the same time

LINDA: i know.  but it's like a hole.  you have to get out of it.

SB: I don't know how.

LINDA: whatever works. baby steps.  one thing makes you smile.  one thing distracts you long enough to lift your mood for a moment, or two and so on.  pretty soon you're as happy as when you're watching tennis.

SB: lol

LINDA: then you take the moment when you're feeling not so blue and do something with it. something to promote more happy. that's what drives the sad away

SB: does someone tell you how brilliant you are EVERYDAY? Cause we all should.

LINDA: don't be so fucking hard on yourself doll. oh geeesh, hahaha! no, brilliant hardly!

SB: You are. You say the most amazing things.

LINDA: Thank're too sweet...

SB: it's just hard to keep it stuck when I pass a mirror or look down at my arms

LINDA: seriously. now if we are sisters (which we are) then you'll follow my advice.

SB: I'm going to try.

LINDA: well shit. i don't know what to say about that. at least you're not the 600 lb woman on some reality show

SB: lol. ha!

LINDA: look... if it bothers you to notice your scars then just don't look at them. i understand that from the inside you're exactly the same person as you were before the accident. so it must be irritating and shocking to catch a glimpse of the evidence now and then. but the thing you must remember is that you are the same person. only better - stronger - wiser. you have survived and you delight people in the most inspiring and honest ways. you do realize how much power you have to impact people don't you?

SB: no I don't. I really don't.

LINDA: perhaps because your choose a vocation that was reliant not only on talent, but on appearance - now you associate acceptance with something flawless. fuck that. so not true.

SB: but what do I do in that position?

LINDA: look at some of the most amazing people in the business. they aren't perfect. the perfect looking ones fade in an instant. the people with talent are often noted for that, way beyond being recognized as some poster child for perfection.
gosh, you could do a hundred things with your power.

SB: who in the business has scars like I do?
who in the business is going to hire someone with scars like mine?

LINDA: go back on stage if you want. or write and help others with your own experience. go off on a tear and be a forensic expert or turn to writing crime novels. stop comparing yourself to other people. we all have to stop doing that. period. no one has your exact scars, no. and yet some people are born with ugly faces (yours is stunningly gorgeous) and yet they have careers. please, please tell me you won't define yourself that way love. you're so much better than that. and besides, i'm totally confident that you've yet to see the full impact of how much better you'll look to yourself once you've finished your surgeries. don't dwell on the contractures, fuck them. let's decide they aren't going to plague you anymore. your body is going to start responding the way you want it to from now on. you're going to feed yourself well, and work out, and your body will respond better than it ever has in the past. you've got the power to be a huge voice for a hundred things... it's all up to what you want to do. if you feel confident enough to return to the stage then you shall. i know you don't want to be known as that actress with the scarred up body. and you won't be. you'll be that damn talented actress that people can't forget because you dazzle them.  and if curiosity leads them to do stories on your story then you'll blow them away in another realm by the sheer inspiration of all you've been through and accomplished to get to where you are.
ramble ramble. sorry.

SB: oh goodness Linda, you have a way of turning a girls head. Really, thank you for saying the brilliantly wicked things you say. They make me want to believe.

LINDA: i just know there are hundreds of people out there, if not thousands... who have had their lives completely changed by upended by stupid accidents. cars, fires, guns, whatever. people longing for what they lost. you can show them how to rise above it. you're a phoenix remember?

: yeah,I wish

LINDA: oh if i thought i could turn your head a little it would be worth it. worth it!!!!
no wishing.
there is no try. only do.

SB: You do.

: Spoken from Yoda. hehe.

SB: lol

LINDA: dude, you're lucky i don't live close. i'd be dragging you out of bed every day and making you work out with me, go cruise the cafes for cute men, force you to talk to guys you think are hot... haha
i think you spend too much time alone.  you need to make yourself get out there.  volunteer somewhere or just go sit on the internet at a starbucks a couple times a week and meet people....

... well guess what? you don't know who you might meet who would do that for you, who would love to have your company and feisty wit and banter.  you just might meet a "me" at a cafe. today!  you never know.  that's what's lovely about life. you could meet the man you'll marry someday, just by ordering a coffee.

SB: if I could meet a "you" in male form, I'd be the luckiest woman in the world.

LINDA: but that's not going to happen if you don't go out for coffee.
oh thanks! hahaha  hmmm... me as a dude.  hehe

SB: I don't have many friends here and the ones that I do are working
ha, I didn't mean that in a weird way. You got what I meant, right?  lol

LINDA: yes
that's an excuse. i don't want to hear that. do you need a friend to go to coffee with you? no. go get a coffee and meet some new people. whoever is in the cafe either works from home, works at night or is unemployed. who cares. go meet some people!

: I don't have the confidence I once hadl

LINDA: confidence isn't required. just a desire for caffeine.

SB: I have that.

LINDA: it will just happen organically. don't need to force it.

SB: there aren't many NEW people to meet in my small town.

LINDA: but you have to change your situation by getting out. no one can find you in your house.
you don't know that. you're assuming that. you're allowing that presumption to be your excuse for not going.

SB: lol I'm only laughing cause you're so obviously right.
yes, you're right

: people visit. people travel through. people move. do you know everyone in your WHOLE town? hehehe

SB: No, but almost, lol.

LINDA: no... get my point here - the joke about the flyer is just that people won't come knock on your door. doesn't matter if you live alone. you have to actually change your routines if you want a different outcome

SB: yeah, I know your point but what I'm saying is I don't really have a place to bring people to to hang out in a more intimate setting.

LINDA: so what? they'll invite you over. or you'll just be cafe sluts. no big deal.

SB: lol
cafe sluts

LINDA: again... stop thinking of the walls. there isn't a damn thing you can't overcome.

SB: but then what am I supposed to say, oh yeah hey, oh these scars? yeah I was burned and now I live at home for the time being and I'm 30 years old. thats hot

LINDA: we don't hop in our cars and go out to the store thinking...well shit, what if my car dies. or what if i get hit by a bus. or what if i get a flat and i'm stranded for four hours. or what if i get carjacked. we just go to the fucking store.
seriously? of course you live at home right now. but you're excited to be back on your own once this is behind you. no one would bat an eyelash.

SB: I beg to differ. In his mind it's going to go, "30 years old and living with mom and dad.....not interested."

LINDA: why not say... what if i meet a great new friend. what if i get offered some amazing job. what if someone shares something with me that totally changes the way i've been thinking. what if i meet a super great guy and we become friends. no. i'll argue you into the ground on the living at home thing.

SB: no you're right on the above comment. before you said you'd argue me into the ground

LINDA: so many people have moved back in with their parents because they lose jobs or can't afford it. they go through divorces or whatever. not like you're some slacker living in the basement buying dolls on the home shopping channel when you should be working and being a productive member of society. you have a legitimate reason for living at home and it's temporary. you don't need to validate shit to anyone.

SB: wow, you can make me feel better about living at home. you're right. you're absolutely right.

LINDA: besides, unless romeo is living with his parents then just go hang at his place. and if he is living at home... then he can't talk!

SB: lol

LINDA: so what if people ask about your scars. it gives you the opportunity to share your story. it's a brilliant (albeit sad) story that is so amazing sarahbeth. seriously. you've got to trust. you've got to let people in. otherwise they're missing out on you. and you rock!

SB: thanks, Linda

LINDA: you never know who you're gonna meet... have you seen the film sliding doors?

SB: yes

LINDA: well i love that film because it illustrates just how minute details can make a huge difference. what if the person you're supposed to marry is sitting at a cafe right now? you make a choice not to go out. you miss meeting him? hehe

SB: yeah, it is a wicked film, particularly about choices

LINDA: not trying to use scare tactics. but you know what i'm saying
i just think the bottom line is you need to change it up.

SB: I know what you're saying.

LINDA: when we spend too much time in our heads it gets loud and crowded. i like my space as much as the next person. but i need people in my life too.

SB: yes!

LINDA: Helps give you perspective.

SB: yes yes!!

LINDA: so make a plan girl...and stick to it.  make a chart. go buy some neon poster board and shiny stickers...hehe...whatever it takes.  you're on a mission.  no one will get in your way.

SB: lol, I kinda like that idea hehe

LINDA: i'm big on lists. hehe

SB: lol

LINDA: makes me feel like i'm actually getting shit done.

SB: yes, they do. True.

LINDA: i want to hear about the weirdos you meet.

SB: lol, I'll tell you about them all.

LINDA: i want stories from sarahbeth that have nothing to do with anything but stupid cafe people.

SB: You've helped my day a lot.

LINDA: i love observing people and then creating little stories for them. oh, he lives in the house above the coffee shop. he's banging the barista with the mohawk but she thinks he's to nerdy looking to admit that she's having sex with him. so he sits here, every morning, looking at her out of the corner of his eye. waiting. hoping she'll come visit him after her shift.
oh i have? yay!!!!
two second stories. try it. they're fun

SB: But you're a writer, I'm not.

LINDA: bullshit. we're both writers.

SB: oh oh oh don't put me in the same class as a brilliant writer like you

LINDA: oh pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease. no no no. you're not going to do that. honey i read your blog for starters. so whatever.  you have a deep creative side and great talent. just put it somewhere in the fiction realm for awhile and see what comes of it.   could surprise you

SB: ok, I'll try.  you're right.  absolutely right

LINDA: no. you'll write. no one tries to write. it is what it is
i think you'd enjoy playing's fun.

SB: I'll do it. maybe I'll even try today.

LINDA: yes!  omit try from your thoughts.  edit it out
today i will write.
today i will go for a drive and see where i end up.
today i will work out. even if it only lasts 5 minutes.
today i will be good to myself.
today i will choose to shove negative thoguhts out of my delighful mind.

SB: you're good. you should be a life coach.

LINDA: hmm....that's a scary thought! hahaha

SB: no it's not actually! Look at what you do for me?!!!!!!

LINDA: i always wondered what the resume would say for a life coach.

SB: ha, yeah.

LINDA: eduction: life. skills: life. experience: life. hehe
objective: to cheer you on to be the best you possible. hehe
oh boy...

SB: lol, exactly.

LINDA: well if i've made you smile then that's definitely the best part of my day. and my day is going well

SB: you did, you did make me smile

LINDA: love you girl.

SB: oh man, I love you too.

LINDA: mutual admiration society. hehe

SB: lol

LINDA: i'm expecting to hear of adventures the next time we chat i'll have you know. so you'd better start working on that plan.

SB: I will.  You've inspired me. you inspire me every time we talk

LINDA: well now you know how i feel. cause you do the same. even when we don't talk.

SB: awww. Thanks Linda.

LINDA: you need to remind yourself something pretty huge... not everyone in this self absorbed society is lame. people are capable and searching for real people. people with stories. people who have to deal with crap daily. people who struggle and still sparkle.
go sparkle.
you'll meet lame people too... but they're just good for reminding you how amazing the cool people are.
i write the lame people into my stories... they are the ones who need a clue. you've already got the clue. now just go be you. scars and all. you're amazing.

SB: thank you, sincerely.

LINDA: don't let anything stop you love. nothing. no one. no way.
you're welcome.
well i've got to dash. need to print out this script and bind it and send it off to the book author.
so lovely to chat...always is.

This chat with Linda was even more insightful and even more inspiring than the conversation I posted a few weeks ago and even any conversation I've ever had with her. She's incredible and I love her so, not just for the insight she gives me but for being a remarkable and unique friend. I'm lucky to have her on my side of life. I'm so very lucky to have her as my good friend.

Friday, February 10, 2012

My Own Reverie

"To lose one's self in reverie, one must very either very happy or very unhappy.  Reverie is the child of extremes."  ~Antoine Rivarol

I'm on the unhappy end of that quotation.  I know I feel defeated most days, where I feel like I have no future, I'm lonely as hell, and I can't look in a mirror cause I hate what I see.  But then there are days, rare days, where I day dream of my very own fairy tale where my scars are minimal, my reconstruction is done (for the most part) and it looks wonderful, I'm back to acting and singing, and I'm not lonely anymore.  Wow, that's one big day dream but it's my day dream and no one can take it away from me.  And just as Antoine Rivarol said, I lose myself in it.  It's wonderful there, in my daydreams, my reverie.  Always my reverie happens when I'm involved in my own activity, like crafting or listening to music or most usually, both at the same time where I forget my scars, I forget the accident for just a few moments out of my day, my reality.  It is in my reverie that I find peace and solace.  But unfortunately, it is short lived.  But during that time that is so short lived, I live a wonderful lifetime full of happiness and success and smiles so big they hurt my cheeks.

Do you think I have the power to make my own daydreams come true?  Or have they been shattered with the accident?  Do I even have the courage anymore to even try to make my reverie a reality?  I'm tired of living this hell.  I'm tired of being God awful lonely.  I'm damn tired of watching shows with love in them cause I don't have it in my own life but I can't stop because it's becomes a new part of my own reverie.  And I know that's unrealistic but my whole life has been the stage and movies so the shoe fits for me.  I don't think my daydreams are so out there.  I dream of a life filled with success, happiness, and love.  Is that so hard to obtain?  Maybe when you're me.  It takes a very special person to love someone like me with mangled scars that cover my body.  It takes a special director and producer to take a chance on an actor with scars like I have.  So what do I do?  Continue to live in my own reverie where my fairy tale comes true while my reality is a living hell?  What kind of life is that?  Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, "I want more.  I want the fairy tale."

"I live my daydreams in music."  ~Albert Einstein

Thursday, February 9, 2012


"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.  A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with."  ~Harry Crews

When I post a quote it's usually to agree with it but this quote I found makes me believe this American novelist never met a burn survivor.  That is not to say the scars are not beautiful in some way, but it does not mean the hurt is over or done with.  The wound may literally be closed and healed but scars like I have from a burn and so many surgeries does not mean the hurt is over or done with.  Something remains.  For me, what remains is both physical and emotional.  What remains physically is of course the battle against contractures and scar bands.  What remains emotionally is a whole slew of hurt from the wound that I believe never truly heals.  It may heal mostly but there will always be an underlying emotional scar that you'll never quite get over the hurt from it.  Some emotional scars will heal and close all the way  but there are certain emotional scars like those that come from a serious injury or loss that never quite stop hurting.  I don't believe in the saying, "Time heals all wounds." Time doesn't heal ALL wounds, maybe some, or most.  But not ALL.  

Every time I look at my skin, my scars, I am always reminded of that night and the months in the hospital and years of surgeries that followed the accident.  I can't escape it.  And I can't escape the hurt I feel when I look at them.  It's like looking at a shattered world and shattered dreams.  Many people find scars sexy but I don't have "sexy" scars.  "Sexy" scars come from a bicycle accident or a knife or even a bullet and sometimes a little scar from a surgery.  But scars that cover your whole body and in different stages of healing so they're different colors, are not considered "sexy" scars.  But maybe someday I'll be able to see my scars as something beautiful because they make the statement, "I survived."  Maybe someday.

"God will not look you over for medals, degrees or diplomas, but for scars."  ~Elbert Hubbard

Monday, February 6, 2012


It's very early in the morning on Sunday morning.  I couldn't sleep.  I'm wondering, how have I gotten through each day since the accident when there are so many days that I want to end the fight?  When there are so many days where I plan to end the fight and something stops me.  What is it that stops me?  Sometimes I envision my mother's face and her reaction when she would find me and that hurts my insides like a twisting knife.  I don't want to hurt her but I don't want to hurt anymore either.

Pain is a unique thing, isn't it?  I mean most people think of pain as physiological, something you actually feel but there is also emotional pain and sometimes, that's worse.  Because with physiological pain, at least there's an enemy to fight.  With emotional pain, however, it infects your mind, your heart, your soul and it festers until the worst can happen and that's taking your own life because it's the only way to stop the pain.

The emotional pain I feel comes in many forms.  At first, it's like a soul and heartache - my soul and heart aching for so many different reasons.  When your heart is broken or aching it can be the saddest thing in the world.  All your energy leaves you and life loses all meaning.  And then it's like an infection in the mind.  And when your mind gets infected with pain, that's when it can become particularly dangerous cause you get the idea that there's no other way out of the situation, out of the pain, but to do it.  My dreams have been ripped to shreds in one split second.  I was told the other day that I have a "fighting spirit" but my spirit is hurting, it's in pain.  How do I explain to you what it feels like to cry my tears?  How do I find hope in a new day?  I live in a grey and black world with no peace and filled with loneliness and pain.  I am given the gift of sorrow and despair every day and night.

So, back to the original question.  What stops me?  I'm tired.  I don't want to fight anymore cause I don't see a future for myself and my present is a hell.  So why do I still fight when I don't want to anymore?  I feel defeated.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Chat With A Dear Friend

I had an interesting and most fantastic conversation with someone who is becoming a most dear friend of mine the other week.  She's brilliant and funny and beautiful and kind.  And a great friend.  But we were chatting last week and our chat was so wickedly brilliant that I told her I had to blog about it.  It came about over a story about a crazy fan over Jack White and it just went from there taking on a life of it's own.  Here's clips of how it went...

Linda:  if i much time do you spend looking at the big picture?
SB: oh boy...looking at the big picture...not much I guess. It's always the past, the immediate present and the near future.  well, the far away future too.
Linda: to clarify...sometimes i get very overwhelmed when i look too far ahead, especially when i'm in the middle of a shitstorm. i don't like the day by day attitude so much because i am goal oriented. but say in your case - if you took a look at the next challenge you have ahead, and just focused on that - maybe you'd feel differently.

Linda: oh and i know you can't escape your past - no one can. but you can't move forward by looking behind you... without falling.  sorry if that sounds too... lame.
SB: yes, I get exactly the same way and I'm assuming you read my blogpost today because you said sorry for my breakdown and I hate that day to day shit
Linda: yes
SB: but yes, you're right about looking at the next challenge.  it might help
Linda: it's hard not to remember and relive your past - but maybe you need to just pretend this is all you've ever known in order to appreciate how far you've come.  lame? ugh...i'm trying here
SB: NO!! not lame at all actually. That's pretty insightful
Linda: i just think you are tremendous.  awesome!  this wil be your decade!
SB: aww thanks Linda. I think you are too.
Linda:  i know so.  believe it.  you need to start evisioning your success. personal, emotional, professional.
SB: yeah, I do. I know. I don't do it at all
Linda: yes, i have a bit of a pollyanna attitude, or so i've been told.  i just really believe we are how we think.  as women we already deal with a mountain of insecurities every day. why add to the mountain?
SB: it's so hard NOT to add to the mountain
Linda: why tell ourselves we can't do this or that, or why bother...the mind is so powerful

SB: yes it is. you're absolutely right there

Linda: i mean, we all have days. shit, loads of 'em even. but at the end of the day we are usually victims of our own self deprecation.  we need validation from mirrors or men... pfft!  sick of that shit!  sorry...i'm on a soapbox now

SB: no I love it!  you're so right

Linda: happiness is innate. we are born happy and we spend our lives searching for things to keep us in that place. be it food, or men, clothes or music. i just believe that true happiness needs to come from within, it can't be dependent on anything but ourselves.

SB: yes absolutely. 
Linda:  and therin lies the ongoing problem of us believing that we are worth it. worth being loved for not being perfect, or famous, or whatever. with a healthy dose of self love - not arrogance mind you - we can move closer to accepting the love that might come our direction without questioning motives....

so how do we arrive at true self love and acceptance? that is what we all must figure out how to do... individually.

SB: that's the hard part
Linda: all we see is always all we think we should be in order to be loved. so sad.  if we believe that every person struggles with this then maybe we can move closer to narrowing the gap.
(some small talk about Jack White for a bit)

so here lies a beatiful person who is likely just as questioning of everyone as we are. trapped behind the image of himself as the world has portrayed him and made him. locked inside of celebrity. that's fine if all you're searching for is the next fan to fuck, but if you want someone to be there when you go bankrupt, or lose your hands in an accident, or go bald and get fat... then what?

SB: then it can suck if you're trapped in that
Linda:  i want the guy who loves me enough to carry me to the toilet if i can't walk. or who reads me our loveletters when i lose my mind and hopes that i'll remember!  hehe
SB: lol oh god, me too, me too

Linda: (curse of the notebook!)
when society forces us to consider everything from marriages to cars disposable - it's hard to believe there are people out there wanting something that lasts.  everyone trades in, trades up.  always looking for something better. pfft!

SB: that's so fucking sad

Linda: nothing distinctive about them.  i like distinctive cars and people!  character is where it's at.  I think it all correlates. it's like wanting to be loved for who you are, period. not what you drive, what you wear, etc.  i don't want to be homogenized. i'm not generic, i'm me dammit!....but if you think about it, it's the distinctive things in life that really capture our attention.  music, looks, personalities...
SB: that's absolutely true

And then there was some more small talk and then I had to go.  But she brought up some good points that all definitely applied to me like when she talked about being victims of our own self-deprecation, happiness, the outside validation we seek.  I especially seek outside validation because I can't find it in my own self cause I'm too busy being self deprecating.  And it especially hit home when she talked about believing we are worth being loved for not being perfect.  To believe I'm worth being loved and to give myself self-love is one of my biggest challenges.  Thanks, Linda.  It was a stimulating and interesting conversation and provided me with some insight that I haven't stopped thinking about.