Yesterday was my four year burn anniversary and it was a tough day. I hate that it happened on such a carefree holiday. While everyone else is out having fun wearing funky green apparel and drinking green beer and other green liquors, I'm burdened with thoughts of me in a near death accident and in a coma in the hospital. I'm complicated with thoughts of how that day changed my life forever and what I lost with it as well as what I have gained. I try to see it as a day I survived and a day that made me a survivor but those are only fleeting moments. It's hard to see myself as a survivor sometimes cause it's not like I took part in my own survival. My survival is attributed to the paramedics and the doctors and nurses who kept me alive. The only thing I've done is NOT done what is often on my mind.
I don't understand how this can be God's plan for me. What am I supposed to do with my life now? My life and career was based some on my appearance that I don't see a way back there with the scars that now mangle my body. I know there are other things that I can do with my life, like other ways to inspire and touch people but I wanted to do that with entertainment. I wanted to show all those small town actors with no connections like me that they can do whatever they desired in their hearts because I was able to do it. I was able to make my way through the big time city of New York, through the thousands of auditions and casting couches, through the low wage jobs of waitressing and bartending, through the days of wondering if I'll be able to eat or pay the rent and bills and not give up; make it to the Broadway stage or the silver screen and ultimately win a Tony and/or an Oscar for my talent and work. To become the next Meryl Streep and have kids with big dreams in their hearts look at me and think what I think of my acting idols - if she can make it with hard work, so can I. That's how I wanted to touch and inspire people. But I'm afraid my chance of that has been taken from me and now I'm left to find some way else to do so. And that would be fine, if the other wasn't what my heart desired so strongly. My heart is broken and I don't know how to mend it without having acting and singing in my life.
A very dear friend of mine suggested that I box up what I can of stuff that reminds me of my life before the accident and send it to her because they only bring me pain. At first I was hesitant cause it's hard to let go but I think it's time. She said she wouldn't destroy anything or even look in the box. She would just keep it for me till that pain had subsided and my anger relieved. But I told her I want her to look at what's inside so that somehow that life I led before the accident can be released. I'm afraid that if it remains boxed up, my pain and anger will remain in that box. And that's not what I want. I want to be free of my pain and anger. I want it to be released into the universe like doves from their cages on a wedding day and when I'm ready to have it back it won't be like reopening a wound. She's the type of person who has healing words and a healing spirit about her and I feel like her looking at what will be inside that box will have a healing effect on me.
I do want to thank my incredible family and rockin' friends who have given me love, friendship and support throughout all of this. I have been very blessed in that sense and I am eternally grateful for all that you have done and continue to do for me. I don't know where I'd be if it weren't for all of you. I love you all so dearly and with all my heart.
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